As animals
#1
As animals

I lived out other peoples’ dreams
of a better life. Pack horse,
guard dog, sheep to be shorn,
bull to be whipped into drawing the plough,
milch cow. 
Now, out to pasture,
the heath is bare. Lightning’s in
the air,
and kings consort
with fools.
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#2
I lived out other peoples’ dreams
of a better life. Pack horse,
guard dog, sheep to be shorn,
bull to be whipped into drawing the plough,
milch cow. 
Now, out to pasture,

Out to pasture now.  . . . Or simply leave the Now a phantom rhyme that people feel rather than see, or necessarily hear, or think about. 


the heath is bare. Lightning’s in

That cross-out didn't rise high enough to get that pesky apostrophe. 

There is a sense of "lightning's in the air", as you have written, that fits the kings consort bit, or . . . 

the air,
and kings consort
with fools.

Out to pasture,
the heath is bare. Lightning in 
the air, 
and 
now kings consort with fools.

Putting king and fool on the same level. 
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#3
Me likey cutting out the now, and the apostrophe (for the price of a coffee)
The fool on the next line was for the epiphany with the king and the heath and the lightning
Thanks for the feedback, Rowens.
Michael Owen(s).


I think Eminem wrote all there was to write about dead animals and antelopes…
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#4
Hi busker - Incorporating the title into the first line, I read it as:
I lived out other peoples’ dreams
of a better life, as animals.


As animals

I lived out other peoples’ dreams
of a better life. Pack horse,
guard dog, sheep to be shorn,
bull whipped to draw the plough.

Out to pasture, heath now bare,
cracking lightning
splitting air.

I don't need the final lines. Also compressed the images and left white space to imply the passage of time.
As you know, I do like short poems.  Especially when plenty of room is left for the reader to fill in.

Thanks,
Mark
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#5
Thanks, Mark. I like the white space.
And removing 'milch cow' is sensible. I did it for the rhyme, but it does come across as too much complaining.

Looks like the Lear allusion didn't get any love :-)
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#6
(07-24-2022, 11:26 AM)busker Wrote:  Looks like the Lear allusion didn't get any love :-)

Hi busker,
I completely missed the King Lear allusion, mainly because I'm not too familiar with the play. That's why those last lines seemed to be "off" for me.
Mark
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