Exodus
#1
Empty robes
floating down cobble roads,
processions of torches
light greasy hair.

Hunched exodus
abandoning of homes,
mass silence,
broken by screams
stinging the air
like scorpion tails.

Empty robes lurch
off the cliffside,
turning,
to watch them spill over.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#2
(06-09-2022, 03:49 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  Empty robes
float down cobble roads,
processions of torches
lighting greasy hair.

Hunched exodus
abandoning homes.
Mass silence,
broken by screams
like scorpion tails.

The robes lurch
off the cliffside,
turning,
to watch them spill over.    (themselves?)

I like this processional of phenomena.  Not sure how else to describe it.  The people have vanished.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
(06-09-2022, 03:49 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  Empty robes
float down cobble roads,
processions of torches
lighting greasy hair.

Hunched exodus
abandoning homes.
Mass silence,
broken by screams
like scorpion tails.

The robes lurch
off the cliffside,
turning,
to watch them spill over.

There are some nice images in there, with robes floating down streets and spilling over a cliff
Some of the word choices could be improved - an exodus could be the ‘abandoning of homes’, but not ‘abandoning homes’
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#4
To my ear it would sound better if the verb tenses were the same in S1. “Float” can also be a continuous action “floating”, or torches “light” greasy hair--in order to make it consistent. I think the stanza is more of a compound sentence and not a participial phrase (L3 and 4).

I don’t quite get the simile in S2. It seems incomplete. I know you want to try and keep unnecessary words to a minimum, but this seems to be missing a detail to clarify what you’re comparing. How is a scream like a scorpion tail? Is it “stinging” the air or ear by breaking the peaceful silence? If so, may want to say that such as, “silence, broken by screams stinging the air like scorpion tails” or something. Otherwise, it sounds a bit like a mixed metaphor.
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#5
Thanks burger, busker, and base.

Appreciate the critiques! Wink
"Whenever is a really long never"
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