High sun
#1
High sun
settles   everyday the streets flooded
colours    student’s
backpacks        joy and terror    go on
monotonous hours
hunger and heave
over idle feet
full with standing
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#2
(06-05-2022, 04:20 PM)Miley Wrote:  High sun
settles   everyday the streets flooded
colours    student’s
backpacks        joy and terror    go on
monotonous hours
hunger and heave
over idle feet
full with standing

In moderate critique, first off, I like the images and delicate use of white space in lines 2-4.  There is also some nice ambiguity ("colours" as either a stand-alone plural noun or a verb), and the extra space setting off "settles" from the rest of its line, connected or not really connected.

A few small nitpicks which I might not mention in Basic:  "student's" being possessive singular rather than plural does not agree with "backpacks" (plural) next to it after the line break.  It doesn't have to, of course, since the words could be merely items in a list rather than implying (as they do now) that one student has more than one backpack.  Or, inverting word order, "colours" (noun) cold be owned by one student.  So here again is ambiguity, but could it be improved or widened by moving or eliminating the apostrophe?

My other nitpick is, oddly, the sole capitalization ("High") in both title and line 1.  I'm not a fan of e e cummings, but given the format of the poem (list/phrase assembly) not resulting in a complete sentence and not ending with a period, you might consider lower-casing "[H]igh."  Of course if the purpose is to emphasize the word/concept's significance, no problem.

Other than that, some of the juxtapositions of both words and phrases are striking.  For example, as I age one of the fears/effects is that "idle feet/full with standing" suggests the need for support stockings and easy shoes.  For kids, more like full bladders... which is less a problem for them than for me, though they may fidget!

One of my favo(u)rite juxtapositions is "monotonous hours/hunger and heave" - the concept of hungry, heaving hours is pleasing.

So in the end I have only praise and a few small suggestions, to be considered and/or disregarded as desired.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
High 
sun
settles   everyday the streets flooded


if everyday is a play on everyday things being every day



colours    student’s


probably not a play on singular and plural. mostly 


backpacks        joy and terror    go on

it's a case where joy and terror says little, and reminds of little children

monotonous hours
hunger and heave
over idle feet

heaving idly is good play



full with standing

The last line, you get to, and can reassess whatever may have bothered you above it.
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#4
(06-05-2022, 04:20 PM)Miley Wrote:  High sun
settles   everyday the streets flooded
colours    student’s
backpacks        joy and terror    go on
monotonous hours
hunger and heave
over idle feet
full with standing

So I'm not sure if you meant this on purpose, but the white space you used sort of made me read the poem in a columnar way, like "high sun/settles/colours/backpacks" and "everyday the streets flooded/student's/joy and terror"

That created for me a fun little juxtaposition, I think, where it wasn't really a compare-and contrast so much as it just felt like a scene in a movie that cuts through several shots really quickly in order to build an increasingly-frantic atmosphere, like in a "moments before disaster" kind of way. The feeling is absolutely emphasized by recent events in America (I'm not sure if you're American), the sort of idyllic scenes of childhood shot through with threads of growing horror.
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