Vitreous glance
#1
Chambers whirring
behind their eyes
slowly tracing mine.

Lights flickering,
features hard to define.
Separated by grate
and iron plate;
searching for a sign-

until swallowed,
with a rumble and flicker,
down the subway line.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#2
(05-18-2022, 11:26 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Chambers whirring, - no need for the comma
behind their eyes
as their's
trace mine. - the rest of the stanza reads awkwardly to me especially with the repetition of 'their', firstly we don't know who 'they' are. 

'behind passengers eyes
as they trace mine'  -- might work better. But I get the feeling that you are wanting to keep the big reveal to the last line?
It poses a problem of sorts.

Lights flickering,
features hard to define.
Separated by grate
and iron plate;
digging for a sign-  - I like this stanza, although unsure about 'digging' as a word choice, and also not sure what the dash is for at the end.

until swallowed, - 'swallowed' by the tunnel?
by a rumble and flicker, - would 'with' work better than 'by' -- repetition of flicker from above
down the subway line. - nice ending - I like the reveal

I enjoyed this poem, not so sure about the title and what it refers to, eyes? windows?

Cheers for the read
Mark
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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#3
wae aye man ye radgie  Thumbsup
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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#4
(05-19-2022, 03:46 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  wae aye man ye radgie  Thumbsup

Cool
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#5
Really like this one SC.  Great title.

My only quibble is why did you take "their" out of second line?  I read it as your eyes until I got to second line, so I was a bit confused.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#6
Thanks TB and Mark, appreciate the critique (:
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#7
It's an good poem and a good edit.
I love it when the site works like this.
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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#8
(05-20-2022, 01:19 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  It's an good poem and a good edit.
I love it when the site works like this.

I apologize for being unappreciative and also insensitive.

You have been a great help to me.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#9
Semicircle Wrote:Chambers whirring
behind their eyes
slowly tracing mine.

Lights flickering,
features hard to define.
Separated by grate
and iron plate;
searching for a sign-              "craning", as in their necks.  just a thought.

until swallowed,
with a rumble and flicker,
down the subway line.

Great as always.  Thanks!
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