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Chambers whirring
behind their eyes
slowly tracing mine.
Lights flickering,
features hard to define.
Separated by grate
and iron plate;
searching for a sign-
until swallowed,
with a rumble and flicker,
down the subway line.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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(05-18-2022, 11:26 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Chambers whirring, - no need for the comma
behind their eyes
as their's
trace mine. - the rest of the stanza reads awkwardly to me especially with the repetition of 'their', firstly we don't know who 'they' are.
'behind passengers eyes
as they trace mine' -- might work better. But I get the feeling that you are wanting to keep the big reveal to the last line?
It poses a problem of sorts.
Lights flickering,
features hard to define.
Separated by grate
and iron plate;
digging for a sign- - I like this stanza, although unsure about 'digging' as a word choice, and also not sure what the dash is for at the end.
until swallowed, - 'swallowed' by the tunnel?
by a rumble and flicker, - would 'with' work better than 'by' -- repetition of flicker from above
down the subway line. - nice ending - I like the reveal
I enjoyed this poem, not so sure about the title and what it refers to, eyes? windows?
Cheers for the read
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
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wae aye man ye radgie
wae aye man ye radgie
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(05-19-2022, 03:46 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: wae aye man ye radgie
"Whenever is a really long never"
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Really like this one SC. Great title.
My only quibble is why did you take "their" out of second line? I read it as your eyes until I got to second line, so I was a bit confused.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.” Kurt Vonnegut
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Thanks TB and Mark, appreciate the critique (:
"Whenever is a really long never"
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It's an good poem and a good edit.
I love it when the site works like this.
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 147
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(05-20-2022, 01:19 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: It's an good poem and a good edit.
I love it when the site works like this.
I apologize for being unappreciative and also insensitive.
You have been a great help to me.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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Semicircle Wrote:Chambers whirring
behind their eyes
slowly tracing mine.
Lights flickering,
features hard to define.
Separated by grate
and iron plate;
searching for a sign- "craning", as in their necks. just a thought.
until swallowed,
with a rumble and flicker,
down the subway line.
Great as always. Thanks!
