Gravity edit1
#1
Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.
 “Only a theory,” she thinks,
 
keeping her from her 
cotton-candy clouds. 
 
Struggling to get above,
it pulls her down
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know.
 
Where the truth of it waits 
behind closed doors that rattle in the dark.
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she hopes.
Gravity won’t let her go.

Gravity weighs on her.
 “Only a theory,” She thinks.
 
Struggling to get above ground,
it pulls her down.
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know.
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks.
Gravity never let her go.
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#2
(05-14-2022, 07:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.
 “Only a theory,” She thinks.        she shouldn't be capitalized
 
Struggling to get above ground,
it pulls her down.                         drop period, let the line continue into next stanza
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know.
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks.      comma instead of period?
Gravity never let her go.                 but gravity never lets go



My wife doesn't like the cliche of "ignorance is bliss" but I think it works here.  What do you all think?

I think it being in quotes makes all the difference, as you are quoting a thought

Poem could be improved with more elaboration, I think, more specifics about "the places she doesn't want to know".
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
(05-15-2022, 01:05 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(05-14-2022, 07:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.
 “Only a theory,” She thinks.        she shouldn't be capitalized   oops! typo
 
Struggling to get above ground,   curious why you don't like "ground".  "stay"?
it pulls her down.                         drop period, let the line continue into next stanza   yes, I have been feeling that too.  Just hadn't gotten there yet.
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know.   I can't think of how to elaborate without losing the link between "..doesn't want to know" and "ignorance is bliss"
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks.      comma instead of period?
Gravity never let her go.                 but gravity never lets go   yes, but I don't like the "but".  seems weaker.  Original was "Gravity won't let her go."



My wife doesn't like the cliche of "ignorance is bliss" but I think it works here.  What do you all think?

I think it being in quotes makes all the difference, as you are quoting a thought

Poem could be improved with more elaboration, I think, more specifics about "the places she doesn't want to know".

As always, thanks for your time.  I am very grateful for you input.  This is a huge learning process for me so any insight is helpful.
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#4
(05-14-2022, 07:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.
 “Only a theory,” She thinks.
 
Struggling to get above ground,
it pulls her down.
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know.
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks.
Gravity never let her go.



My wife doesn't like the cliche of "ignorance is bliss" but I think it works here.  What do you all think?

I struggle to follow the argument here.
If she thinks that gravity is only a theory, then she won’t think that ignorance is bliss because in doing that she is admitting to herself that thinking gravity to be ONLY a theory (and ignoring for now the implication that theories don’t somehow work to get rockets up and apples down). It is an unwarranted self awareness that here is illogical rather than ironic.

While gravity, which catches up with us all, has a vast number of metaphorical associations, none of tj are relevant if the central conceit of the poem is flawed.
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#5
(05-15-2022, 02:14 PM)busker Wrote:  
(05-14-2022, 07:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.
 “Only a theory,” She thinks.
 
Struggling to get above ground,
it pulls her down.
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know.
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks.
Gravity never let her go.



My wife doesn't like the cliche of "ignorance is bliss" but I think it works here.  What do you all think?

I struggle to follow the argument here.
If she thinks that gravity is only a theory, then she won’t think that ignorance is bliss because in doing that she is admitting to herself that thinking gravity to be ONLY a theory (and ignoring for now the implication that theories don’t somehow work to get rockets up and apples down). It is an unwarranted self awareness that here is illogical rather than ironic.

While gravity, which catches up with us all, has a vast number of metaphorical associations, none of tj are relevant if the central conceit of the poem is flawed.

Hi Busker,

The "only a theory" phrase has two aspects here.  The first is trivial and that is there is a "Theory of Gravity" in physics so it a bit of a play on that. Second, in this situation she is using it dismissively, refusing to accept the reality of her situation.  So rather than being self aware, she is choosing to turn away.  Which is also the central conceit of the second phrase, that she would rather not know or confront whatever it is that is weighing on her. Anyway, that is what the poem means to me. Thanks for taking the time to read and post.
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#6
Only to add to your dilemma here's another opinion that may or may not have anything to do with what you were thinking


(05-14-2022, 07:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.  The gravity of the situation, 
 “Only a theory,” She thinks. I like the sound of this line, the rhythm and alliteration.  Together the two lines are almost too short.  Maybe start with this line, if you need the first line maybe put it last.
 
Struggling to get above ground,
it pulls her down. Cause to weigh on her would push her down maybe?  Is it gravity keeping her buried? She not underwater, it's not a sheer cliff.
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know. Is this a fragment sentence? The center is multiple places? The center is under ground that she's trying to leave because she doesn't want to know?
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks. The repetition of she thinks is fine but I keep wanting to substitute something like 'she tells herself' for variety, for a change in air, but what exactly would fit I don't know, 
Gravity never let her go. The gravity of the situation is a buried trauma that always holds her but she refuses to scientifically (therapeutically) understand to use and conquer the universe or the center of herself.  I'm running with it, but it's almost a short form poem.  I keep coming back to it because I've had similar thoughts but don't know how to say, thanks for sharing



My wife doesn't like the cliche of "ignorance is bliss" but I think it works here.  What do you all think?
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#7
made some changes. let me know.

Thanks mind hive.

bryn

(05-15-2022, 11:27 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  
Only to add to your dilemma here's another opinion that may or may not have anything to do with what you were thinking


(05-14-2022, 07:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Gravity

Gravity weighs on her.  The gravity of the situation, 
 “Only a theory,” She thinks. I like the sound of this line, the rhythm and alliteration.  Together the two lines are almost too short.  Maybe start with this line, if you need the first line maybe put it last.
 
Struggling to get above ground,
it pulls her down. Cause to weigh on her would push her down maybe?  Is it gravity keeping her buried? She not underwater, it's not a sheer cliff.
 
To the center of herself,
the places she doesn’t want to know. Is this a fragment sentence? The center is multiple places? The center is under ground that she's trying to leave because she doesn't want to know?
 
“Ignorance is bliss,” she thinks. The repetition of she thinks is fine but I keep wanting to substitute something like 'she tells herself' for variety, for a change in air, but what exactly would fit I don't know, 
Gravity never let her go. The gravity of the situation is a buried trauma that always holds her but she refuses to scientifically (therapeutically) understand to use and conquer the universe or the center of herself.  I'm running with it, but it's almost a short form poem.  I keep coming back to it because I've had similar thoughts but don't know how to say, thanks for sharing



My wife doesn't like the cliche of "ignorance is bliss" but I think it works here.  What do you all think?
thanks for your comments.  I have tried to give a little more fill in but still feel I need to keep it pretty vague.  I was thinking of having the poem turn the corner from dark to light but haven't gotten there yet.
bryn
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