Old Shoes edit
#1
Old Shoes



A life can look tattered and worn,

like old shoes sitting in the corner.



Laces frayed, covered in dirt and holes;

Soles worn and loose.

Every scuff and stain a story.
The story of a life well lived.
 
Old shoe tattered and worn,

sits in the corner,

maybe forgotten, so forlorn.

 

Laces frayed, covered in dirt and holes;

Sole worn and flapping.

But this old shoe sits not sad.

 

Every scuff and stain a story to give.

A story of steps taken, roads well traveled.

Longing for the shiny and new

is to deny a life well lived.

 

Battered and torn, such a shoe

might sit sad and alone,

but shoes never do.

The best part of such a life 

is that shoes come in sets of two.

The hide previous isn't working for some reason.  comments appreciated!
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#2
(05-10-2022, 11:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
Old Shoe
 
Old shoe tattered and worn,

sits in the corner,

maybe forgotten, so forlorn.

 

Laces frayed, covered in dirt and holes;

Sole worn and flapping.

But this old shoe sits not sad.

 

Every scuff and stain a story to give.

A story of steps taken, roads well traveled.

Longing for the shiny and new

is to deny a life well lived.

 

Battered and torn, such a shoe

might sit sad and alone,

but shoes never do.

The best part of such a life 

is that shoes come in sets of two.

Thanks in advance.

There's a lot of, what is unaffectionately known, as Yoda-speak to force a rhyme. And, although you might have a relatively nice idea for a poem, it makes reading it feel silly—which, I assume, isn't the intention. For example, "every scuff and stain a story to give". Better you can do.

I would suggest either scrap the rhyme and concentrate on the concept, or work more on the rhyme.
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#3
(05-10-2022, 11:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
Old Shoe
 
Old shoes tattered and worn,

sit in the corner,

maybe forgotten, so forlorn.

 

Laces frayed, covered in dirt and holes;

Soles worn and flapping.   loose                         this is sort of a still life, so the sole(s) wouldn't be flapping,,,,

But this old shoe sits not sad.   

 

Every scuff and stain a story to give.

A story of steps taken, roads well traveled.

Longing for the shiny and new

is to deny a life well lived.

 

Battered and torn, such a shoe


might sit sad and alone,


but shoes never do.


The best part of such a life 


is that shoes come in sets of two.

Rather than giving the shoes human feelings, I would cut that and focus on what remains.  I think your third stanza makes for a better ending.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#4
Hello bryn-
My wife has a picture of old shoes- a still life that evokes emotion from the viewer. Your poem could work in very much the same way, as a still life.

I suggest letting the description of the shoe evoke emotion from the reader, instead of conveying emotions on it. Since readers infer that shoes come in pairs, describing a singular shoe could be worked to better effect, leaving readers to wonder what became of the other shoe.

Below I have subtracted words, without changing any, and left those that formed a mental picture for me:


Old shoe,
tattered,
sits in the corner,
laces frayed,
sole worn.

Every stain a story
of steps taken.
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#5
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. I like the still life angle making it cleaner. The thought behind my version is the idea that a life can look/be tattered and worn from the outside but those marks tell our story and often that which looks most worn is also the most comfortable. Layered on that is the idea that it's nice to go through that with a partner, hence the point of the last stanza. That said, I have always felt that if you have to explain yourself then something isn't working. I'll keep trying!

Thanks again.
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#6
Old Shoe

A life can look tattered and worn,
like old shoes sitting in the corner.

Laces frayed, covered in dirt and holes;
Soles worn and loose.

Every scuff and stain a story.
The story of a life well lived.

Tried to thread the needle between the still life and my original vision.
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