Abiding Legacy
#1
Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way
the wind remembers breath.
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#2
(04-30-2022, 04:07 AM)Velasco Wrote:  Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way
the wind remembers breath.
Hey Velasco. Very well done. I'm not ready with a line by line at this moment but I'll be back. Just wanted to say that "smell of hose water" immediately transported me back forty years. Fantastic image. I just wrote 4 haiku ending with that line and I'm a little jealous it belongs to you.  Thumbsup I'll be back.
Paul
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#3
Hello Velasco-
some in-line comments, below:


Let conquerors who taste every spring, upon re-reading this seems archaic in light of what comes after
expecting youth, turn to dead marblestrong image, esp "dead"
I'll leave your memory  The entire last section could be a poem on its own.
in rainbows that smell of hose water  Yes! Great image- I've seen those rainbows, too.
to forget you in the way I'm a bit confused by the word 'forget', because we don't really forget.
the wind remembers breath. The bolded part is outstanding.

I'd like to like this piece more, yet the opening doesn't seem to resonate for what follows (for this reader.)
'Conquerors' just seems out of place, and the word "every" is not specific enough: I'm thinking along the lines of people who chase after spring expecting to stay young forever.  Or at least be immortalized, in dead marble, thereafter. 

I'm confused by "forget you" because the "rainbows that smell of hose water" seem to me to convey a strong sense of endearment.

Unless I'm way off base this poem says (to me): many people (conquerors) choose elaborate head stones for their graves, whereas your subject has chosen creamation. And you are watering the ashes.

Thanks for sharing this,
Mark

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#4
Hello again Velasco-

Your poem struck me in such a way that I needed to revisit it.

If I change two words it felt very much closer to my heart: instead of "forget you", perhaps "remind me" ??

That said, I still think the opening needs work. The more I read it the less I like "conquerors who taste every spring"

Also- finding a rhyme/slant rhyme for 'breath' would also make that last word pop.  I can bet that you already tried, and rejected the word 'death'.  (Perhaps, "memory to rest" ?? or something like that.)

You are on to a very powerful piece here, Velasco.  You've obviously thought this one through, and I hope that my suggestions can add a spark toward its completion.

Thanks again,
Mark
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#5
(04-30-2022, 04:07 AM)Velasco Wrote:  Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way
the wind remembers breath.

Hi Velasco,
In regard to MB's comments about the first line, I agree that "conquerors" lacks something.  Even though it is less specific maybe use "those who" and change "every" to "the", ie "Let those who taste the spring".  The caveat would be if you are thinking of something very specific when using "conquerors". then try to come up with another term that gets that idea across.  My only other suggestion to try would be changing "I'll leave" to just "I leave".  To me, it make the act more definite, immediate.  thanks.
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