Embers
#1
A slash like smile,
cleaves faces in two.
Predators;
bait the killing room.

Like freaks at a carnival,
with words that disembowel.
Feigning to be civilized,
"O how politely they growl.

A nightmare breathed life,
Like true monsters Grimm.
Waiting in the shadows;
torturous, is their offering.

The darkness is unbending
As like blackest obsidian.
Fires that once burned;
embers flicker and dimm.
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#2
(04-13-2022, 09:42 AM)Stash Wrote:  A slash like smile,
cleaves faces in two.
Predators;
bait the killing room. You want the punctuation to be like there's no line breaks.  Forgive the rewrite but this is how I read it:

A slash-like smile
cleaves faces in two;
predators
bait the killing room.

Like freaks at a carnival,
with words that disembowel.
Feigning to be civilized,
"O how politely they growl. Quotation at the beginning here where does it end? Also compared to the rest this lines inversion seems forced even though I like the rhyming.

A nightmare breathed life,
Like true monsters Grimm.
Waiting in the shadows;
torturous, is their offering. Now I'm hearing a fairytale voice and want some mark Twain kind of styling offerin' to rhyme with grimm

The darkness is unbending unbendin'
As like blackest obsidian.
Fires that once burned;
embers flicker and dimm. I like the last line too

I'm interested to see what else you have thanks for sharing
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#3
(04-13-2022, 09:42 AM)Stash Wrote:  A slash like smile,
cleaves faces in two, comma would work better here.
predators;
bait the killing room. 

Like freaks at a carnival, carnival freaks  .... just for the sake of brevity
with words that disembowel.
Feigning to be civilized,
"O how politely they growl.

A nightmare breathed life,  It is implied that this is nightmarish by 'the true monsters grimm'
Like true monsters Grimm.
Waiting in the shadows;
torturous, is their offering.

The darkness is unbending   unbending darkness... btw how does darkness bend?
as like blackest obsidian.
Fires that once burned;
embers flicker and dimm.     

I will come back with more critique, 
revise and I sha'll return.
"My mongoose is coming."
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#4
(04-13-2022, 09:42 AM)Stash Wrote:  A slash like smile,
cleaves faces in two;   I agree that it reads better with different punctuation.  I like the imagery of the first two lines.
Predators
bait the killing room.

Like freaks at a carnival,     Also agree that this can be trimmed for better effect.
with words that disembowel.
Feigning to be civilized,
"O how politely they growl.     This is good in to context of the stanza and the juxtaposition of "politely" and "growl".

A nightmare breathed life,    try to shorten here to one word.  Maybe "incarnated"?
Like true monsters Grimm.
Waiting in the shadows;
torturous, is their offering.  i don't like "torturous" here.  it's an adjective maybe modifying offering but too awkward, discordant.  But I like the phrasing.

The darkness is unbending   I think you are going for something like "relentless".  Need new term and shorten. "Darkness unbending"
As like blackest obsidian.     two simile terms here, pick one or go another way.  may be just "the"
Fires that once burned;
now embers,
flicker and dimm.  I like the double "m" to connect with Grimm.  Didn't notice is consciously at first.  Probably unnecessary, but I like it.

Overall I like this poem.  I think the last two stanzas are the strongest and I think it ends strong.  I am not a fan of gore type poems, but that's me.  One other mention is that I am not sure exactly what your message is, but again, this isn't my thing.
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