a simple plea
#1
my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese

who’ve shown up to fill the void.
my wife doesn’t seem concerned.

she just wants me to be happy.
is this how things are supposed to end?

it’s okay, if so,
but a little definition would be nice.




my dog barks incessantly

at the Egyptian geese



who’ve shown up to fill the void.

my wife doesn’t seem concerned.



she just wants me to be happy.

is this how things are supposed to end?



if so, then that’s okay

but a little definition would be nice. 



you see, I've misplaced my life,

if you find it, please 



return it, maybe

these night sweats will stop.











i’ve misplaced my life



if you find it



please return it here







maybe if i get it back



these night sweats will stop







my dog barks incessantly



at the Egyptian geese



who’ve shown up to fill the void







my wife doesn’t seem concerned



she just wants me to be happy







is this how things are supposed to end?



if so, then that’s okay







but a little definition would be nice

“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#2
.
Hi TqB.

I appreciate the sentiment.  Perhaps change the order?  The first verse makes the rest feel largely irrelevant.


my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese

who’ve shown up to fill the void
my wife doesn’t seem concerned

she just wants me to be happy
is this how things are supposed to end?

if so, then that’s okay
but a little definition would be nice

I've misplaced my life
if you find it, please

return it, maybe
these night sweats will stop


Best, Knot

.
Reply
#3
Hi TqB, i agree a lot with knot so sorry for too much duplication

(03-23-2022, 10:52 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  i’ve misplaced my life
if you find it
please return it here  - this feels more like a conclusion than a beginning for this poem

maybe if i get it back
these night sweats will stop

my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese  
who’ve shown up to fill the void  - best stanza, excellent imagery and probably should be the start of the poem

my wife doesn’t seem concerned
she just wants me to be happy

is this how things are supposed to end?
if so, then that’s okay

but a little definition would be nice

it's all there i would say - it just needs slightly rearranging

cheers

mark
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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#4
Thanks Knot and Mark, the re-ordering makes sense, going to revise it that way.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#5
.
Hi TqB,
now all you need is an ending to match the beginning Smile
I wonder if the plea isn't implied and whether you could cut the last three lines?
Alternatively ...


my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese

who’ve shown up to fill the void.
my wife doesn’t seem concerned.

she just wants me to be happy.
is this how things are supposed to end?

it’s okay, if so,
but a little definition would be nice.

you see, I've misplaced my life,
and not for the first time.



Best, Knot


.
Reply
#6
(03-25-2022, 03:12 AM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi TqB,
now all you need is an ending to match the beginning Smile
you are ruthless  Smile
I wonder if the plea isn't implied and whether you could cut the last three lines?
Alternatively ...
but also right.   Dodgy  I really think there are no more times to be had, so the definition line is a good end.

my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese

who’ve shown up to fill the void.
my wife doesn’t seem concerned.

she just wants me to be happy.
is this how things are supposed to end?

it’s okay, if so,
but a little definition would be nice.

you see, I've misplaced my life,
and not for the first time.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#7
Revision 3
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#8
(03-23-2022, 10:52 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese

who’ve shown up to fill the void.
my wife doesn’t seem concerned.

she just wants me to be happy.
is this how things are supposed to end?

it’s okay, if so,
but a little definition would be nice.




my dog barks incessantly

at the Egyptian geese



who’ve shown up to fill the void.

my wife doesn’t seem concerned.



she just wants me to be happy.

is this how things are supposed to end?



if so, then that’s okay

but a little definition would be nice. 



you see, I've misplaced my life,

if you find it, please 



return it, maybe

these night sweats will stop.











i’ve misplaced my life



if you find it



please return it here







maybe if i get it back



these night sweats will stop







my dog barks incessantly



at the Egyptian geese



who’ve shown up to fill the void







my wife doesn’t seem concerned



she just wants me to be happy







is this how things are supposed to end?



if so, then that’s okay







but a little definition would be nice


I don't have any problems with this poem
except for an oddly placed "but" in the last strophe.

I appreciate how you have shortened the poem
I think it has greatly improved it.

Thanks for the read
Sc.
"My mongoose is coming."
Reply
#9
TB,

"Egyptian" seems unnecessary as it conjures images unrelated to the poem, thus unnecessarily disrupting the reading of the poem.

It is the best version and very concise. I applaud this version.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#10
(03-23-2022, 10:52 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  my dog barks incessantly
at the Egyptian geese

who’ve shown up to fill the void.
my wife doesn’t seem concerned.

she just wants me to be happy.
is this how things are supposed to end?

it’s okay, if so,
but a little definition would be nice.




my dog barks incessantly

at the Egyptian geese



who’ve shown up to fill the void.

my wife doesn’t seem concerned.



she just wants me to be happy.

is this how things are supposed to end?



if so, then that’s okay

but a little definition would be nice. 



you see, I've misplaced my life,

if you find it, please 



return it, maybe

these night sweats will stop.











i’ve misplaced my life



if you find it



please return it here







maybe if i get it back



these night sweats will stop







my dog barks incessantly



at the Egyptian geese



who’ve shown up to fill the void







my wife doesn’t seem concerned



she just wants me to be happy







is this how things are supposed to end?



if so, then that’s okay







but a little definition would be nice


I really like the "misplaced life" idea so was sorry to see it go.  Could you work it in in some form early with the dog barking and the void.  I feel like it would help set the tone and theme early.  thanks.
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