Wait for yours
#1
What's hurtin' honey?
Could it be all the sugar
causing your blood booger?

All the tears you're feigning,
if I had a quarter for each,
happiness would be just out of reach.

You wait for yours, son
it's coming.
Yes, wait son,
it's coming.

What's following after curfew nephew?
Must be that trail of smoke
your starting to toke.

All the screaming that will follow,
well, it's a bit tough to swallow.

You wait for yours, son
it's coming.
Yes, wait son,
it's coming.

Behind the folds
and the corners
where we went
and remain,
you'll trace our steps
in your head,
over and over,
and regret like we did.

We know better than to stop you,
so go ahead.
Yours is coming son,
like I said,
yours is coming.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#2
(02-27-2022, 08:01 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  What's hurtin' honey?
Could it be all the sugar
causing your blood booger? It's cute, but blood booger is a stretch, like someone trying to be cute in a condescending way.  

All the tears you're feigning,
if I had a quarter for each,
happiness would be just out of reach.  out of reach is cliche, cheap rhymes

You wait for yours, son
it's coming.
Yes, wait son,
it's coming. I don't think the repetition helps in writing

What's following after curfew nephew? 
Must be that trail of smoke
your starting to toke.  Curfew nephew is my favorite rhyme throughout.  A trail of smoke seems like the toking has been happening, not just starting

All the screaming that will follow,
well, it's a bit tough to swallow.  Funny cause it is hard to swallow while screaming

You wait for yours, son
it's coming.
Yes, wait son,
it's coming. Again repetition doesn't help

Behind the folds
and the corners
where we went
and remain,
you'll trace our steps
in your head,
over and over,
and regret like we did. I would split this line at regret.  'like we did' as a separate strophe even

We know better than to stop you,
so go ahead.
Yours is coming son,
like I said,
yours is coming.
Sounds ominous, yours is coming, but too lighthearted with the rhymes, I'm not sure how I feel
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#3
(02-27-2022, 08:01 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  What's hurtin' honey?
Could it be all the sugar
causing your blood booger?

All the tears you're feigning,
if I had a quarter for each,
happiness would be just out of reach.   I agree that this seems forced here.  seems a little contradictory having all those quarters and not reaching happiness.

You wait for yours, son
it's coming.
Yes, wait son,
it's coming.

What's following after curfew nephew?
Must be that trail of smoke
your starting to toke.

All the screaming that will follow,
well, it's a bit tough to swallow.

You wait for yours, son
it's coming.
Yes, wait son,
it's coming.

Behind the folds
and the corners
where we went
and remain,
you'll trace our steps
in your head,
over and over,
and regret like we did.              "finding only regret."

We know better than to stop you,
so go ahead.
Yours is coming son,                      nice ending.
like I said,
yours is coming.

I know a lot of people don't like repetition but I think it works here by adding to a sense of foreboding and inevitably.  Thanks
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