Mother
#1
Thread and needle;
a patchwork,
spanning farther,
longer, wider–
times passage
filtered through it.



Frail fingers delicately
loop and contort,
quietly mulling over every stitch.
Eyes rolling like a coma patient
dreaming vividly.


Children and animals,
inhabiting the squares
smiling, cheering, 
romping through dandelions–
like they used to.


After years melted over
She draped the finished quilt on her bed
and climbed in, spent and tired,
resting so deeply,
she didn't wake up.
"My mongoose is coming."
Reply
#2
Hi Semi,

I don't have a line by line critique for you.  I will say my favorite lines are ll.8-9.

I have one comment.  My wife is a quilter, and I think your poem needs a line or two emphasizing just how much time a quilt takes.  As in a LONG time.  Your poem as it stands makes it sound like it can be done quickly, at least to my reading of it.

TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#3
Thread and needle;
a patchwork,
spanning farther,
longer, wider–
times passage
filtered through it.   ? seems to me time's passage is "illuminated by" the quilt, not filtered, no?

Frail fingers delicately
loop and contort,
quietly mulling over every stitch.
Eyes rolling, like a coma patient dreaming vividly.  Unless this means something, to you the coma reference is too much.

Children and animals,
inhabiting the squares
smiling, cheering, 
romping through dandelions–
like they used to.

After years melted over   Don't think you need this line.  I think the time spent is well implied
She draped the finished quilt on her bed
and climbed in, spent and tired,
resting so deeply,
she didn't wake up.  she sleeps. ?


Not sure if you are still working this poem, but I really like it.  I have to disagree with TqB in that the time spent seems implicit to me.  The poem reads like the quilt is the story of her life that wraps around her in her final sleep.  I do wonder if you could make that more apparent, maybe by reworking the second to last stanza. hope this is useful.
Reply
#4
(05-11-2022, 09:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Thread and needle;
a patchwork,
spanning farther,
longer, wider–
times passage
filtered through it.   ? seems to me time's passage is "illuminated by" the quilt, not filtered, no?

Frail fingers delicately
loop and contort,
quietly mulling over every stitch.
Eyes rolling, like a coma patient dreaming vividly.  Unless this means something, to you the coma reference is too much.

Children and animals,
inhabiting the squares
smiling, cheering, 
romping through dandelions–
like they used to.

After years melted over   Don't think you need this line.  I think the time spent is well implied
She draped the finished quilt on her bed
and climbed in, spent and tired,
resting so deeply,
she didn't wake up.  she sleeps. ?


Not sure if you are still working this poem, but I really like it.  I have to disagree with TqB in that the time spent seems implicit to me.  The poem reads like the quilt is the story of her life that wraps around her in her final sleep.  I do wonder if you could make that more apparent, maybe by reworking the second to last stanza. hope this is useful.

appreciate it brynmar, I'll see what I can do!
"My mongoose is coming."
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!