New Yellow
#1
Swaying, deciduously,
bobbing in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Adrift in an ocean of honey,
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know when it ended
or when it will begin.


Whispers calling me
fall away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.


"My mongoose is coming."
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#2
(02-14-2022, 03:51 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Swaying deciduous
bobbing up and down in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Set adrift in an ocean of honey,
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know where it ended
or when it will begin.


Whispers calling me back
dissipate away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.


Some good images here - my general suggestion is to economize even further (for example, "up and down" is implied by "bobbing," so could be cut).

Your gradual introduction of rhyme is interesting - none in S1, partial in S2, and full in S3.  Fits nicely with the wide net of images at the beginning which then centers progressively on the speaker - more rhyme, more self-focused.

Without wishing to be too intensive in basic, two word choices made me scratch my head:  "deciduous" in L1 and "dissipate" in S3.  For "deciduous" I itch to say "deciduously," making it an adverb for "swaying."  You don't use punctuation - the line can be read with implied commas ("swaying, deciduous,") framing "deciduous" as an adjective, and that works.  "[D]issipate away" is another case, like "up and down," where the elaboration seems unnecessary to me.  The line might end with something which describes how they dissipate  (though it's true, they might dissipate but remain, making "away" relevant).

On the whole, it has a theme and mild images that make a mood.  Nice.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(02-14-2022, 03:51 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Swaying, deciduously,
bobbing in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Set adrift in an ocean of honey,  feels more timeless this way fitting with the next two lines.
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know where it ended     "when"?  not sure if you are trying for a specific effect here or not.  Also tenses are different
or when it will begin.          


Whispers calling me back  I kept leaving it out as I reread.
fall away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.



thanks for sharing.  You are very prolific!  What do you do with all your poems, if anything?  just curious.
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#4
(05-14-2022, 06:03 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(02-14-2022, 03:51 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Swaying, deciduously,
bobbing in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Set adrift in an ocean of honey,  feels more timeless this way fitting with the next two lines.
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know where it ended     "when"?  not sure if you are trying for a specific effect here or not.  Also tenses are different
or when it will begin.          


Whispers calling me back  I kept leaving it out as I reread.
fall away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.



thanks for sharing.  You are very prolific!  What do you do with all your poems, if anything?  just curious.

I agree with your revisitations. Very helpful.

What I do when making poems is try to go for the abstract while still trying to be tangible in a way that leads the audience along.
"My mongoose is coming."
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#5
(05-16-2022, 11:09 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  
(05-14-2022, 06:03 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(02-14-2022, 03:51 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Swaying, deciduously,
bobbing in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Set adrift in an ocean of honey,  feels more timeless this way fitting with the next two lines.
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know where it ended     "when"?  not sure if you are trying for a specific effect here or not.  Also tenses are different
or when it will begin.          


Whispers calling me back  I kept leaving it out as I reread.
fall away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.



thanks for sharing.  You are very prolific!  What do you do with all your poems, if anything?  just curious.

I agree with your revisitations. Very helpful.

What I do when making poems is try to go for the abstract while still trying to be tangible in a way that leads the audience along.

Hi Semi,
Glad you liked my suggestions.  What I meant by my question is literally, what do you do with them?  Do you just stick them in a drawer or try to compile and publish somewhere?
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#6
(05-17-2022, 01:34 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(05-16-2022, 11:09 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  
(05-14-2022, 06:03 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  thanks for sharing.  You are very prolific!  What do you do with all your poems, if anything?  just curious.

I agree with your revisitations. Very helpful.

What I do when making poems is try to go for the abstract while still trying to be tangible in a way that leads the audience along.

Hi Semi,
Glad you liked my suggestions.  What I meant by my question is literally, what do you do with them?  Do you just stick them in a drawer or try to compile and publish somewhere?

Thoughts are only good for a moment, better to discard them; before they spoil.
"My mongoose is coming."
Reply
#7
(02-14-2022, 03:51 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Swaying, deciduously,
bobbing in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Adrift in an ocean of honey,
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know when it ended
or when it will begin.


Whispers calling me
fall away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.



Love it!  It would be a shame to let it drift away.
bryn
Reply
#8
(05-19-2022, 03:47 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(02-14-2022, 03:51 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  Swaying, deciduously,
bobbing in ripples of yellow.
Whirlpools of leaves and night lamps
in a starless sky.


Adrift in an ocean of honey,
with a yellow-toothed-grin.
Don't know when it ended
or when it will begin.


Whispers calling me
fall away.
Yellow thoughts
are all that stay.



Love it!  It would be a shame to let it drift away.
bryn

although, it fits the theme pretty well
"My mongoose is coming."
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