Balanced Polarities
#1
Betwixt and between is where we would walk
Allowing the equilibrium to rock
Listening to the quiet voice within
Answer queries from where we would begin
Necessary deviation from a path we know well
Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale
Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind
Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.
 
Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight
Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light
Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception
Articulating our diction to ears of conception
Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts
Intricately designed and created by us to be passed
Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch
Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch
Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers
Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers
 
                                Balanced Polarities …
Write On & Peace Out~
)O(
DragonBlue

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#2
My feedback would be to make the lines more intelligible, and drop the forced rhymes.
It’s very difficult to follow what’s being said, and the artifice is apparent.

This might help: http://www.firesides.ca/poemtips.htm
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#3
I lost you in the second stanza.  I am lousy at rhyme, but it does feel like, in that second stanza, the rhyming is driving the poem, rather than your intended meaning.  The poem is interesting enough that I want to know what you are getting at.  Second stanza also seems a good deal more abstract (at least the first 6 lines) than the first, also diffusing your meaning.

All that said, enjoyed the promise of the poem.

TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#4
Thank you for replying to my work.
Write On & Peace Out~
)O(
DragonBlue

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#5
Hello Maylynn-
The poem needs flesh and blood characters, human or animal.  It also really needs concrete images (plants, buildings, etc). 

When a poem is full of abstractions it's very hard for a reader, like me, to grab on: I need concrete scenery and characters.

I find that the end rhymes are driving the lines, when they need to fall naturally.  Otherwise they feel forced.

Some comments:


Betwixt and between is where we would walk
Allowing the equilibrium to rock
Listening to the quiet voice within
Answer queries from where we would begin
Necessary deviation from a path we know well I'm mostly OK up to this point
Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale I have no idea what this means
Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind
Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.  Starting to get too preachy for me now

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight
Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light I follow what you're saying here, but the forced rhyming detracts
Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception
Articulating our diction to ears of conceptionThe rhymes are forcing the lines here, and don't make sense to me
Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts
Intricately designed and created by us to be passed
Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch This is where characters (our progeny) are really needed
Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch
Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers No clue as to what those "dark laws" are
Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers I have no idea what "syncopated chains of secrecy" are

I'd really like to help you out here: if you must stay married to the rhyme scheme, then the lines need to be less abstract.  That is where characters and concrete images come in. 

Perhaps if you read this aloud you will begin to imagine characters and settings that can better articulate your meaning.  This poem is all "telling" and no "showing".  That makes it hard for me to latch on.  And I always want to engage with a poem; for a poem to engage me.   

Hope that was a little bit helpful,
Mark

ps. The link offered by busker offers some great tips.
Also- I have been working on poems for several decades, yet always find myself re-reading tips like those, lest I think that I've "made it". I still struggle mightily to craft images and characters. I have found great benefit in the critiques offered on this site, and always try to humble myself to understand what works, or not.

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#6
(01-13-2022, 07:09 PM)DragonBlue Wrote:  Betwixt and between is where we would walk
Allowing the equilibrium to rock
Listening to the quiet voice within
Answer queries from where we would begin
Necessary deviation from a path we know well
Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale
Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind
Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.
 
Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight
Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light
Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception
Articulating our diction to ears of conception
Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts
Intricately designed and created by us to be passed
Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch
Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch
Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers
Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers
 
                                Balanced Polarities …
 
Overall this is a songy poem which is fine if that’s what you want to make, however I think the rhyming scheme is off. You have perfect rhymes and imperfect rhymes in the poem but there is no reason. I’m also not loving betwixt and between. It sort of seems like you used the phrase as a brainstorming jumping off point for your poem but never edited it out.

I think also the poem could be more concise. You should consider what each line adds to the poem, and if it doesn’t add a new layer or idea, maybe consider cutting it.

Sing songy poems certainly have a place in our society but they should be brief and fun and concise; think “there once was a man from Nantucket”
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