Days departed
#1
Days departed

Do you recall
the days departed,
time’s flotsam 
dropped in the drink?

In the breakers hear 
at night, incanted,
distant songs 
the sirens sing?

The roots run deep
of what we planted,
but the bole withers,
the fig tree shrinks.

Young love’s moon
still shines enchanted,
but you and I 
aged in a blink.
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#2
Enjoyed this read.  I'm pondering the "fig tree" as a symbol, but other than that, loved the rhythm and imagery all the way through. I'm touched by its assemblage of the dare I say cosmic effects of time.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
(01-09-2022, 08:02 AM)busker Wrote:  Days departed

Do you recall
the days departed,
time’s flotsam 
dropped in the drink?
I like the alliteration, haven't seen flotsam in a while
In the breakers hear I feel like something's not right here, comma after breakers perhaps?
at night, incanted,
distant songs 
the sirens sing?

The roots run deep off topic but roots don't normally go more than three feet underground, they mostly spread out and wrap up with other roots. The expression though is timeless there's no problem
of what we planted,
but the bole withers,
the fig tree shrinks.

Young love’s moon
still shines enchanted,
but you and I 
aged in a blink.the moon as an eye is neat idea, it's got a slow blink.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#4
Thanks, gents
I had actually used the “report” button to request a mod to take down this post because I didn’t think it was quite ready.
But now that there are two comments, I won’t ask for it to be taken down

This was written and posted in haste. Will be revised.
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#5
Hey busker-

I'm glad you didn't have this one taken down because it is very well crafted.

I like that you split the lines into quatrains instead of couplets, as that slows down my reading and emphasizes the words that you break the lines on. In fact, those words are the gist of the poem:

recall
departed,
flotsam
drink?

hear
incanted,
songs
sing?

deep
planted,
withers,
shrinks.

moon
enchanted,
I
blink.

The meter holds up very well, and the variations add emphasis in appropriate places.
The anapests: --/ in the drink , --/ in a blink
The spondee: /// fig tree shrinks

The rhyming is subtle and effective. There is subtle assonce and consonance throughtout: "d" "i" "s" sounds: my favorite being "...distant songs the sirens sing?"

Of course, you can continue to revise this one, because, to paraphrase that saying, "poems are never finished, there're only released."

I suspect that the abrupt shift in imagery from the "breakers" to the "roots" is where you may need a smoother transition/connectiion.

That said, thanks for releasing this one,
Mark
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