Happened Upon Heaven
#1
Happened Upon Heaven (changed)

Epiphany at 12

While on my way to church
I was often tempted
to wander by the creek
to scare up some green snakes.

But I sat in pews choked
by unholy perfume,
tried my best to believe
You could be in that room.

Not even Our Father
could save me, Hail Mary!
I forgot half the words,
and heard Hell was scary.

I was praying that You
were well rested that day,
and hoped that You’d listen
to the way that I prayed.

I tried hard to believe,
so I thought we should speak,
went to meet after church,
down the hill, by the creek…

But a young girl was there,
sitting at the creek bed-
my prayers were answered
by an Angel instead.
Reply
#2
(01-04-2022, 11:13 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Happened Upon Heaven (changed)

Epiphany at 12

While on my way to church
I was often tempted
to wander by the creek
to scare up some green snakes.

But I sat in pews choked
by unholy perfume,
tried my best to believe
You could be in that room.

Not even Our Father
could save me, Hail Mary!
I forgot half the words,
and heard Hell was scary.

I was praying that You
were well rested that day,
and hoped that You’d listen
to the way that I prayed.

I tried hard to believe,
so I thought we should speak,
went to meet after church
down the hill, by the creek…

But a young girl was there,
sitting at the creek bed-
my prayers were answered
by an Angel instead.
This reminds me of the story of the poor elderly lady who prayed to God for a fridge full of food. As a joke, her landlord (who overheard her prayer) fills her fridge then is delighted to tell her that it was him and not God who answered her prayer. Of course, that's down to perspective.
Reply
#3
This is really good. I particularly like the use of Cross-Rhyme. I see: creek/green, pews/perfume, believe/be, words/heard, day/way, and speak/meet. Since there is so much of it, I assume it is intentional. If so, very well done.

Maybe could tighten up the end rhyme scheme so that they are all the same. All end rhymes seem to be ABCB, except the first and penultimate stanzas. The first one is ABCB if you count the cross rhyme as the second "B", but it may seem a bit forced. Why draw attention to the fact the snake was "green" other than to force the rhyme? I still like that part though. The penultimate is AABA.

May want to keep it as is, as I am overly OCD at times.
Reply
#4
Thanks for the eyes on it, Torkel-

I wasn’t thinking of rhyming with “green. I was more thinking of the harmless aspect of those snakes.

At 12, I was rather “green” myself, and this rather obliquely will refer to the “young girl” at the end; also at that “green” age.

I was at the age when I was becoming more interested in real “angels” than more abstract deities.

One device that was quite intentional was to keep each line at 6 syllables, for no other reason than I wanted to do that without drawing attention to it (though I guess I have now.)

I mainly wanted to convey/remember what going to church meant to me at age 12, when I was beginning to question that aspect of my young life, while becoming very curious about down to earth, physical attractions that were drawing my attention.

And I wanted to attempt it in a lighthearted way.

Mark
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!