Beacon
#1
I don't often remember dreams.

The liquid evaporates in the shower,
or else it remains at the bottom
of the plastic yogurt cups
I toss in the bin
beneath my leaky sink.

The faintest remnants
get trapped in my pores
and stored in the liver
to fester.

Every few months
while driving to the dentist
or waiting in line for groceries,

scaling Kailash in flip flops
after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl
on the subway at the stop
near my old college dor
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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#2
.
Hi Wj,
are you missing (at the very least) a final 'm'?

Kept on mistaking the first line (I don't ...) for the title. Why is it out on it's own?


I don't often remember dreams.
The liquid evaporates in the shower,

or else it remains at the bottom
of the plastic yogurt cups I toss

in the bin beneath my leaky sink.
The faintest remnants get trapped

in my pores and stored in the liver
to fester.

                Every few months
while driving to the dentist

or waiting in line for groceries,
(or) scaling Kailash in flip flops

after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl
on the subway at the stop

near my old college dor ........


(where's the rest of it? Every few months while driving ... what? And what happens to the festering remnants? I'm assuming that verses 3 and 4 are the 'dreams/remnants' but still ... what?)


Best, Knot


.
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#3
Hey Wj-
Some in-line comments below:


Beacon  seems to suggest something giving guidance, or hope

I don't often remember dreams.  most people don't, but, OK

The liquid evaporates in the shower,  don't think you need the shower part.  Why not "water" instead of "liquid"?
or else it remains at the bottom
of the plastic yogurt cups
I toss in the bin
beneath my leaky sink.

The faintest remnants remnants of this mysterious liquid
get trapped in my pores 
and stored in the liver  maybe "my liver" instead of "the liver"
to fester.  hmm?  now the liquid festers, so it must not be water

Every few months  sudden shift here, and the mysterious liquid unceremoniously dropped outta the picture
while driving to the dentist I'm veering off course from making any sense of this now; becoming more obscure
or waiting in line for groceries,  ain't sure at all where you're heading with this

scaling Kailash in flip flops
after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl
on the subway at the stop
near my old college dorm

Ya lost me Wj. The end of the list doesn't seem to be the end of the poem.  Sorta like you just quit writing; ran out of gas.
And it definitely left me stranded.  If the "beacon" is quiding me somewhere, then I have no idea where.

This one requires more work in order to give this reader some clue as to what may be clear in your mind, but doesn't work as a beacon toward my understanding.  You don't need to yell out directions, but I feel like you crashed me into the rocky shore.

If it is about a dream you're trying to remember, I can see vagueness, or surrealism, but this drifts into obscurity, and is very difficult for a reader like me to latch on to.  While dreams can prove elusive, they can provide an excellent, if tricky, opportunity to convey via poetry. 

That said, ya gotta help me out here, Wj....

Mark
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#4
Thanks for the thoughts here, basically the poem is just about long forgotten dreams suddenly popping into your head months or years after dreaming them - often they're single images for me, or they could be multiple dreams combined into one - I love that. I wanted the last stanza to be the dreams popping in out of nowhere, beautiful incomplete fragment memories.

I think it could be made more clear, but dreams aren't clear, so should it be clear? It's probably not the best poem, I might try and improve it but I don't know how to do it in the spirit of the idea.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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#5
(01-03-2022, 03:54 PM)Wjames Wrote:  I don't often remember dreams. I'm sort of indifferent to this line. The idea doesn't do enough to really capture me but it seems necessary to the theme the poem is trying to convey



The liquid evaporates in the shower, We have an image here, but as the poem's first image it, again, isn't doing enough for me. And I think it's because of (1) the way it is written and (2) the lack of just a little more detail. Maybe try something like "Liquid mists in some warm showers..."

or else it remains at the bottom I think "it" can be omitted

of the plastic yogurt cups

I toss in the bin

beneath my leaky sink. I love the progression and line breaks of these last 3 lines, it really adds movement to the poem



The faintest remnants

get trapped in my pores

and stored in the liver

to fester. This stanza isn't adding anything to the poem for me



Every few months

while driving to the dentist

or waiting in line for groceries, I imagine the N buying more yogurt Big Grin



scaling Kailash in flip flops So the N is dreaming of breaking from the mundane rituals of day-to-day life. Can the mundane be considered sacred in the way this mountain is and in what ways? This is an interesting question I feel you might want to explore more in depth, but we're already at the end of the poem

after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl

on the subway at the stop

near my old college dor I like this ending. I'm assuming this is where the N wakes up, takes a shower or eats breakfast, before the poem (or dream) ends.


This sounds like a silly thing to point out but the dream being described in the last stanza sounds more like a daydream, which seems easier to remember than an actual dream, and the poem's first line was about how the N can hardly remember their dreams. Maybe it's my personal experience that's confusing my reading? Or is this in some way intentional?

Best,
Alex
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#6
(01-03-2022, 03:54 PM)Wjames Wrote:  I don't often remember dreams.

The liquid evaporates in the shower,
or else it remains at the bottom
of the plastic yogurt cups
I toss in the bin
beneath my leaky sink.

The faintest remnants
get trapped in my pores
and stored in the liver
to fester.

Every few months
while driving to the dentist
or waiting in line for groceries,

scaling Kailash in flip flops
after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl
on the subway at the stop
near my old college dor

This is a clever little poem
Doing impossible things in flip flops, a pixie haired girl, and the old college dorm - these are relatable dreams
The only part I didn’t like all that much was the metaphor of the yogurt cups 
Is a simile more appropriate?
And the part from pores to the liver…not only is it hard to follow the metaphor, but it’s too visceral for the theme IMO
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