Critique my critique intensive
#1
The Alley Ends 

with over run- interesting run-on with the title
ning vines and loose debris from dec- rhythm, 
ades of decay and redirec- mid word rhymes, enjambed 
ting energy sent, From the sun comma and capital, is this one breath?  New sentence?  

and circling sky in- weather changes, time
habitants shift with the rains a- why an alley would be over run with vines, inhabitants leave with the weather and animal life changes
bandoning their hunger pains, a- cheap rhyme 
nother day to stay Is dyin' another cheap rhyme, I like the last three syllables of each stanza being the start of the next stanza

though the final voy- these enjambments are crazy
age? Hind sight's just as blind as fore- I like the 'age' repetition here because of the time
sight.  Calculating ancient stor- hindsight and foresight are pretty forced, 
age, El Dorado's, Even Troy's fictional ancient places, 

ruins had been un- very bouncy rhythm
earthed, revealing nothing extra- I think it's funny this line still counts as an enjambed rhyme
ordinary.  In context, tra- so forced but I get it
dition's are scholar's Opinions right?  Who's to really say what was going on way back when

sway, cultural lend- cultural lenders, I like that, it's like the scholars are putting their own culture into historical findings, able to take it back later
ers walk the streets, between the buil- in the alley
dings.  Leave their thoughts with broken pill- how about 'leaving thoughts on broken' instead
ars as they reach The alley's end. Back to the beginning

I did really like this, it's a fun funny exercise, what's the point?  Does the enjambment have anything to do with the reason we have ancient digups?  Could you do this again with a different subject?  I think in some ways you were just showing off but I didn't mind.  Thanks for sharing
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#2
Currently this posted 3 times.
I clicked in and out of it enough times to make it 666.

Then I posted this. 7
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#3
(08-22-2021, 11:50 PM)rowens Wrote:  Currently this posted 3 times.
I clicked in and out of it enough times to make it 666.

Then I posted this. 7

I try to comment on every line for intensive, to show how I analyze the process from beginning to end, then a synapse of what I think they're getting at as a whole piece.
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#4
Do you think I think about the poetry I write? You guessed right.
I'm not allowed to post in the Practice Thread. I understand that. My own wife would want that distance from me.
What is your goal? Have no goal. Humor? Be humorous and intense.

Do you think that poems you write make sense to you all at once?

Here's some unasked for advice. And this is how famous poets of the past operated revisions over years. : Music.
If it's musical, it means something. You can revise it, words, all you want. The music is what lasts.

How a politician speaks is more resonate than what is said. In politics, that is despicable. In poetry, it is poetry.

(08-22-2021, 11:53 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  
(08-22-2021, 11:50 PM)rowens Wrote:  Currently this posted 3 times.
I clicked in and out of it enough times to make it 666.

Then I posted this. 7

I try to comment on every line for intensive, to show how I analyze the process from beginning to end, then a synapse of what I think they're getting at as a whole piece.

I'm longwinded. When I post something, give me breadth. I'm usually not done.

You have a musical skill/talent Whatever.
Writing poetry, you're coming from an instinct of musicality.
Your mind works that way. You think I haven't noticed?
That is your strength.
You are strong in analysis. I'm not. I'm too forgiving. Analysis plus Music is a Strength in you. It works for You.

Would you like to continue this conversation?
Because I'm Up.
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#5
(08-22-2021, 11:59 PM)rowens Wrote:  Do you think I think about the poetry I write? You guessed right.
I'm not allowed to post in the Practice Thread. can you not, really?  If it fits the thread I don't see a problem  I understand that. My own wife would want that distance from me.
What is your goal? Have no goal. Humor? Be humorous and intense.

Do you think that poems you write make sense to you all at once? Me yes, but I can often recognize how it couldn't make sense to others, I just need help seeing from another perspective, understood or not

Here's some unasked for advice. And this is how famous poets of the past operated revisions over years. : Music.
If it's musical, it means something. You can revise it, words, all you want. The music is what lasts. This makes sense with most music, how many songs do you sing along to and actually know all the words

How a politician speaks is more resonate than what is said. In politics, that is despicable. In poetry, it is poetry.

(08-22-2021, 11:53 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  
(08-22-2021, 11:50 PM)rowens Wrote:  Currently this posted 3 times.
I clicked in and out of it enough times to make it 666.

Then I posted this. 7

I try to comment on every line for intensive, to show how I analyze the process from beginning to end, then a synapse of what I think they're getting at as a whole piece.

I'm longwinded. When I post something, give me breadth. I'm usually not done. Some of your critiques take a rambling nature which I don't mind because I think I follow your narrative, some of your poems are SUPER structured and seem written by someone else, those poems really help me appreciate the rest of your ramblings.

You have a musical skill/talent Whatever.
Writing poetry, you're coming from an instinct of musicality.
Your mind works that way. You think I haven't noticed?
That is your strength.
You are strong in analysis. I'm not. I'm too forgiving. Analysis plus Music is a Strength in you. It works for You.
Stream of consciousness seems like a Strength that works for You, not the easiest mode to work in for others, I don't like my own streams very often
Would you like to continue this conversation?
Because I'm Up.
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#6
What does work for you?

What do you use when you are writing?
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#7
Honestly I use images for the structure when writing. When I play guitar I'm not thinking about which chords I'm playing and how they match the melody, I'm watching the way my hands and fingers move along the frets like a paintbrush, and then fit the melody and words on top of it. The words I write are usually something I made up singing that I couldn't get out of my head, that I had to elaborate on in order to move onto something else musically. The poetry exercises I just pick a subject and a form and see what happens.
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#8
My coordination skills are fucked. I used to play guitar and other instruments. Now I can't drive, or do many things that involve hand-eye coordination. I know guitar doesn't require hand-eye coordination. I don't have five finger coordination. I'm also a lousy thief.

Do you think when you write? Do you organize? Do you study?
Do you have a singular rhythm that courses through you's songs and your writing?

(08-23-2021, 12:59 AM)rowens Wrote:  Do you have a singular rhythm that courses through you's songs and your writing?



I think the hipsters refer to that coursing as personal style.

(08-23-2021, 12:19 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Do you think I think about the poetry I write? You guessed right.
I'm not allowed to post in the Practice Thread. can you not, really?  If it fits the thread I don't see a problem  I understand that. My own wife would 



When there is a yellow bar at the bottom of a post. A bar the color of the yellow when you get a private message. You are not allowed to post in that thread. All of the Poetry Practice threads have that bar for me.
I don't plan on posting there anyway.

How many songs do I sing along to and know the words? Most.

I like live albums. I get a kick out of people singing their owns songs differently and adlibbing.

Jimi Hendrix, Isle of Wight:

Aint no redneck    gonna put a rope around me

Aint nobody gonna find me  Aint nobody gonna find fuck with me either



Jim Morrison:

Fuck me baby! Fuck her in the ass!

Robert Plant:

Remember laughter
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#9
(08-23-2021, 12:59 AM)rowens Wrote:  Do you think when you write? Do you organize? Do you study?
Do you have a singular rhythm that courses through you's songs and your writing?

[quote="rowens" pid='254274' dateline='1629647973']

Do you have a singular rhythm that courses through you's songs and your writing?



I think the hipsters refer to that coursing as personal style.



I do not have a singular rhythm and almost make it a point to change it up every time.  But I'm always thinking.  No drug has stopped the thoughts.  My version of 'not thinking' is letting the river of thoughts flow endlessly
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#10
Do you think drugs stop thoughts?
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#11
Drugs cause more of a conversion, drugs supposedly can do anything, there is a drug for everything

What's happening here is you are critiquing my intensive critique through conversation, leading me to find your intensive thoughts. It's a difficult way to critique on a forum where people can drop out for days
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#12
I can sit at my desk and read and write poems and stories and novels and essays, I can get drunk and behave as an ignorant buffoon.

I used to have anxiety hangover, trying to reconcile the two.

I no longer do. I don't try to reconcile. I AM Legion.

I'm an optimistic Cynic. Cynic in the old greek sense.

Drugs do open up things for me. Like dreams. I've just had to train myself to hold a pencil whilst it. I have horrible handwriting. The bad coordination. But the words are there.

I speak directly to the living tender self. I think some asshole posted something about that a few weeks/days? ago.

It was me.

In order to critique the way I am good at requires a separate discussion.

That was a double entendre.
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#13
Can't even tell what I did there, modding myself out here breaking rules and fixing them just for something to do...
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#14
Do you play guitar and sing better or worse when you're high?

High on anything. A crowd. A good day. Drug. Anger. Lust. Fear.

Anything?

I like live performances. I like when you can sense mood differences.

It's Romantic, isn't it?

Jimi Hendrix. Kurt Cobain.

People look back, and say, this performance is special because the End Is Nigh.

I guess you can say that for every Elliott Smith performance.

It's a narrative. It makes for good biop narratives. It is art in itself.
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#15
Playing live is an absolute thrill, I can do it sober but I shake uncontrollably, 2 beers I'm usually par on and comfortable, 3 or more I'm missing notes and forgetting words. Marijuana doesn't count I can't even feel it . I did one show on mushrooms and can't believe I survived, it was a microdose but almost a disastor
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#16
When you look at your own life/work and consciously make it art, YOU HAVE TO make it really WORK, ala Andy Kaufman, or your bio is not art but contrived bio.

I, when I was a teenager, used to imagine trailers to movies about me. I always ended in a madhouse at the end of the actual movie. It was very Romantic. I bet the trailer would be a great movie in itself, regardless of my life, if I could make my mind of it project on screen.

Do you do stage banter?
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#17
Not really stage banter, I may say a few words between songs but I really like to get in get out and get to the point.  If it's an open mic I start with 'i have three songs to get through for you today' or 'im just going to play until someone tells me to stop'. Cause I usually have a mission when I go in
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#18
I've only had one poetry reading. I read To Hart Crane and Leopardi's Complaint.


I'm looking forward to more poetry readings. But none are an option at the time. Don't you hate when someone uses the phrase "it's not an option at the time." ?

I've been told that I can't be scheduled to have a poetry reading because no one is interested. There's a monthly poetry reading in town, but you have to be black or write about black american issues. I have a character named South Boston Williamson, who writes black poetry, from a black point of view. And the people who do the poetry readings say that that is offensive. I told them that it's supposed to be funny, it's a comedy routine, based on my obsessive fandom and study and synchophancy of Redd Foxx and Rudy Ray Moore. That's part of what makes it funny. But they disagree.
Race is a very serious matter. That's why people go out of their way to incite violence and divisiveness over it. Racism only exists where race exists. White bigots and black activists is one factor of reality. I say shut the fuck up to both them.

And that goes for all bigots and activists.    Why don't you all Yang your own Yins, you dickunts.

Now I want a donut. 

Bad.
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