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Until you see us
life makes no sense,
our circle of dread and ill-omen
tails intertwined into a clock
its hands thirteen desiccated bodies
mummified bites of rage and empty eyes
looking outward into the dark.
This accident of our kingdom
haunts the wise and hunts down
the peasant inside his internet.
We are the collective of your future,
dead or alive, we conceal and reveal
the hoax of your existence.
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(05-12-2021, 02:39 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Life makes no sense
until you see the rat king, (Whos is this rat king? And why a rat?)
a circle of dread and ill-omen
our tails intertwined into a clock of death, (What is a clock of death? Elaborate?)
thirteen dedicated bits of rage
looking outward into the dark. (Why the dark? What does this mean?)
The accident of our kingdom
haunts the wise and hunts down
the peasant inside his television. (This is a weird image, I feel like peasant is associated with the middle ages and television is a technological achievement, why mix the two? This stanza doesn't work!)
We are the collective of your future,
dead or alive, we conceal
the hoax of your existence. (I'm getting 1984 vibes, was that intentional? I like it regardless.)
So this poem to be is about surveillance, something about being controlled by this rat king. An interesting concept but needs more clarity.
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Hi TqB
bit of a poem of two halves for me.
Liked
Life makes no sense
until you see the rat king,
a circle of dread and ill-omen
our tails intertwined into a clock of death,
thirteen dedicated bits of rage
looking outward into the dark.
the rest, not so much.
L4 - could really use some work, it just doesn't flow that well out of L3.
(a thirteen handed clock with echoes of 1984 is nice)
L6 - a perfect end line.
Best, Knot
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Hi TqB,
I'd heard of the rat king, and I like that sort of thing, so I'm pleased to see a poem about it.
Just a few suggestions:
L2: the rat king --> our circle of dread [merging lines 2 and 3]
L5: bits of rage --> rodents of rage
L7: The accident --> This accident
L9: Sorry; I don't quite understand this line.
I find the final three lines a bit tricky and I think that might be due to the punctuation. Also, 'we conceal' seems to contradict the seeing at the beginning of the poem.
I'm a bit tired at the moment, which might account for not understanding everything about the poem. But I enjoyed it very much 
All best,
Leaf
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Thanks Majestic, Knot and Leaf for the read and the valuable comments.
I actually had something a lot more dire than 1984 in mind at the end. When I finally looked up Rat King after starting the poem, I was amazed at the list of pop culture references. That's where the flip to television came from.
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I did some editing based on your comments. Ending wasn't changed much at this point. It says whatever I mean as best I can make it.
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I like it, TqB.
For the future, should my comments on your poems take heed of what's in your signature line?
All best,
Leaf
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(05-14-2021, 02:17 AM)Leaf Wrote: I like it, TqB.
For the future, should my comments on your poems take heed of what's in your signature line?
nope. i think my new signature line (by member of the Donner party) is maybe a bad one. Need something else I think.
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Hi TqB,
I think you might have a bit more success if you cut the 'rat king' out of the piece, and concentrated on the speaker, as in
until you see us
Life makes no sense ............................. alternatively once you see us / life makes sense ? (Or an even more imperious In our presence / ...
our tails intertwined
into a clock that calculates ................... do clocks 'calculate'? (into a mortal clock?)
your death,
thirteen dedicated bits of rage............. 'bits' is a bit (ahem) poor
looking outward into the dark.
This accident of our kingdom ............would a 'king' admit to an 'accident'?
haunts the wise and hunts
down the peasant inside
his internet. ........................................ might just be me, but I think the tone/voice changes at this line
We are the collective of your future,
dead or alive, we conceal or reveal.... any way to avoid the repeat of 'or'?
the hoax of your existence.
Best, Knot
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(05-14-2021, 02:35 AM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi TqB,
I think you might have a bit more success if you cut the 'rat king' out of the piece, and concentrated on the speaker, as in
Knot, yes. I like this.
Would "bites of rage" get me past the ahem?
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Hi TqB,
no I don't think it would, for me it doesn't connect the thoughts 'clock' and 'looking outward' (possibly it's the word looking?
maybe 'staring' or 'facing'?) - but also, how does 'dedicated' work with either bits or bites?
thirteen contortions of rage ?
I must apologise for disrupting your 13 line format (one line for each rat?) - too slow on the uptake there, unless ... 
Best, Knot
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I'm only familiar of the concept of the "rat king" from an episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon bemoans the loser nature of her ex-boyfriend who is back in her life. So it is a humorous image for me rather than sinister or deep. But the way you write about it is creepy. Well done on the creep aspect of it. As for the message you are intending to get across, it is a little unclear. Are you warning people about becoming isolated little drones at their laptops or television? If so, maybe you can flesh it out to imply that even stronger.
Matthew
(05-12-2021, 02:39 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Until you see us
life makes no sense,
our circle of dread and ill-omen
tails intertwined into a clock
its hands thirteen desiccated bodies
mummified bites of rage and empty eyes
looking outward into the dark.
This accident of our kingdom
haunts the wise and hunts down
the peasant inside his internet.
We are the collective of your future,
dead or alive, we conceal and reveal
the hoax of your existence.
Posts: 743
Threads: 139
Joined: Jan 2021
"As for the message you are intending to get across, it is a little unclear. Are you warning people about becoming isolated little drones at their laptops or television? If so, maybe you can flesh it out to imply that even stronger."
Thanks for reading and commenting NM. I think I was trying to say that in the future humans will be so intertwined (unhappily so) that they will be like rat kings. That's if I had to explain it. I really had no coherent message in mind, just words, lovely words. End definitely needs work I guess, but right now I like it too much.
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