Pill x Pill

[Bunx]

Pill x Pill

How many days away from insanity
does it take to be sane?

No voices, hallucinations, or delusions.
Is sanity the illusion?

Working five days a week.
Diagnosis, the secret I keep.

No more days, I cannot sleep.
No more days wandering streets.

Pill by pill, I swallow the truth.
Despite stigma I can be of use.

How many years does it take
before you claim what was?

Realizing, you rather be you.
Then the boy society had.

Far down the rabbits hole you fell.
No one believed you'd climb so far.

[dukealien]

This is great.  It explains (if explanation were needed for any human being) how escaping addiction is so difficult:  it's one damn day after another, one act from sleep to sleep with all the scenes inbetween, and the whole bottomless rabbit hole is always right there behind you with gravity as an excuse.

Notable:  addressing self in both first and second/third person.  A little schizoid?  Understandable.

That one line, "Then you boy society had," is so poignant:  the speaker can still backslide, is not completely there. (And never will be.)

(I take the pill of the first part to be the speaker's meds, the second his drug of choice.  Neat and insightful.)

[Bunx]

Thank you Duke! It is funny because this poem is reference my relationship with my mental illness (schizoaffective) your right on the nose. Your connection with addiction is really interesting to me and the more I re read the poem the more I see so many overlapping themes between the two. A schizophrenic episode has so many parallels.

I plan on using this poem in my first EP with my solo project "Rob Travolta". It was important to have neuro-divergent representation on the album. It sums up alot of what I feel in the instrumental songs I write. Thanks so much for the feed and thoughtful feedback.

[Knot]

.
Hi Bunx,
might you not end on
I am proud of who I am ?

Best, knot

.

[Bunx]

Knot, agree I just cut out the line. I don't think it is needed and does mess with loose structure.

[Knot]

.
That works

Best, Knot

.

[rowens]

Haven't you heard, madness is all the rage. Pain is coming back in style. We're putting the band back together. Got a ouija board?

How many days away from insanity
does it take to be sane?

No voices, hallucinations, or delusions.
Is sanity the illusion?

Working five days a week.
Diagnosis, the secret I keep.

No more days, I cannot sleep.
No more days wandering streets.

Pill by pill, I swallow the truth.
Despite stigma I can be of use.

How many years does it take
before you claim what was?

Realizing, you rather be you.
Then the boy society had.

Far down the rabbits hole you fell.
No one believed you climb so far.



I boldly set in bold what boldly seems to me the poem.

It proves more powerful when you cut out the stuff about what all the other bastards might think, including me.

[Bunx]

rowens, thank you for this insight. The bold edit as it reads could serve the purpose of putting it to music better than the entire poem. I'll definitely take it to heart and try a few renditions when it is time to record.

sending you my best

[rowens]

How do you record your music? And, if you don't mind me asking, how do you record your music? Rob Travolta is really you? Is it a concept EP; or an autobiography?

[Bunx]

rowens, I am going to a music studio callled Attack and Release sound out of MT. He recorded a few albums I played on (Tormi: Self Titled / FUULS: Blood Mouth, and our TBA full length). Rob Travolta is a solo project, featuring drums and bass. You could called it a instrumental concept EP, I write all the compositions on bass performed with a drummer. I want to add neuro-divergent representation within one of the songs (hence the poem).

As for how we recording. We perform to a click to record the drums with multiple takes to layer and pick choice fills ect. Then I'll overdub layers of bass typically with one take that is dry (w/o effects) then mix in other layer with effects for mixing. Last thing is added missing pieces like, keys to add some counter melodies to shake up things a little.

Sorry to ramble I get very excited about this stuff

[rowens]

What about album art? That was always what I liked to do when first listening to something, study the album art and liner notes. I think you should write some liner notes. But, then again, you might want to keep it more abstract. What do you think?

[Bunx]

I got an artist working on the art right now. The art depicts an awesomely depicted abstract bird with a lil tracking anklet. The artist is a local MT with a unique cubistic style. I definitely play on doing an insert with "thank you's" and what the music means to me.

[rowens]

A doctor said I had schizo-affective disorder once. It was based, his opinion, if we can call it that, on the answer to one of his diagnosis questions. All questions doctors ask you are based on some criteria; if you think you have some original disorder nobody's had before, don't quit your day job.
Anyway, he said I had schizo-affective disorder, he wrote it down somewhere, and all that; based on my response to the question: whether or not I believed that other people could hear my thoughts. I said, Yes. But, What I really said was, I wanted people to be able to hear my thoughts, because there's currently not a law against telepathic harassment.
When I used to go to doctors, I'd get a different diagnosis with each knew doctor I went to, based on whatever mood I happened to be in at the time. Maybe a girl had just broken my heart, or I was drunk. Stuff like that.

I'd like to know more about this neurodiversity idea you're talking about. For once, it's something I've actually been personally condemned, sorry, 'labeled' with, so I have the refreshing sensation of being able to discuss this matter openly, without being convicted of social appropriation. Often I talk about things I have no right to talk about, being, as I am, insane, and not Jewish. . . . People tend to bow out whenever I come around. I cannot be sure, living where I do, if that's them being rural confederate flag wagging rednecks, or me having tourettes syndrome. I have actually been diagnosed with tourettes syndrome,; so I have that little bit more leverage here, too. Though, it's debatable whether or not the doctor at the time confused tourettes syndrome with a sense of humor.
Once, in a session, I bursted out: Who's Tourette.    And the doctor and his whole family died.

[rowens]

If someone tells me I have Tourette's Syndrome, I say, Oh yeah, well, who has my syndrome? Maybe there was a mix-up at the airport.

I think consciousness, as we know it, itself is abnormal. Every human being is a crazy animal. Most are good at locking their thought patterns into the status quo, which is helpful, but who wants to settle for that when we can bust out of it, right?

Besides, whatever troubles you have, they probably make your music more exciting.

[Bunx]

I see mental illness in a pretty different light, then even alot of folks that have a cogitative disability. For me I have no question about my diagnosis, it has claimed so much of my early life. When I did get diagnosed it was less of a condemnation and more of, why didn't anyone mention this weeks ago.

Though I will say schizoaffective for me is constant compromise, self check-ins, accountability within my family, friends, bands, and job. Though I will say I 100% agree with you that we need to fight mental illness stigma across the board. Though it is not a sentence, I believe I am a better worker, writer, musician, friend, and family member because of my individual growth, and the lessons I've learned / learning.

The societal weight of mental illness is (to me) complete and utter bullshit. I see so many problems that can be solved with communication. Though even communicating about coping and living strategies within a diagnoses makes people uncomfortable. You never hear about accomplishments involving individuals working with cogitative disabilities, at the best media, and Hollywood only highlight how "weird or trippy" characters with schizophrenia are (AnYtHiNg iS PoSsIbLe just call is schizophrenia). I feel like it is an artistic cop out. I want to see a superhero with Schizophrenia, that has a job, accountability, and help people find there inner worth when society says "your not worth the help" you deserve to get to an all time low before we help. I firmly believe the dramatization of the illness is straight up disrespectful, and upon getting a diagnosis it is often a perceived sentence of personal paranoidia and distrust targetedwithin yourself.

This post became hella winded. To sum it up I feel like cognitive-diversity / illness, should be treated with the same grace and respect that anyone with a psychical-disability / illness gets. Because it is literally the same in my mind. I didn't ask for this, its apart of my genetic coding, and its something that alters my life, but doesn't define me as a person or how I treat others, or limit my hopes and potential. Its treatable and with discipline and practice you can even excel.

[rowens]

It's good that you replied. Because I was about ready to continue on, despite silence.

I'm that way.

I was going to say about the excitement of your music, for you, and for others, and the dynamic.

How you want it to be roundabout the same.

But now I'll, go and say something else, about something Fate has laid on me, in THE world, this one. And come and engage with you.
If the world allows it, fore I get back.

---

I think, or rather feel, that mental illness, as portrayed in culture, is very Romantic. I think, and, know, that socially, it's rather scary, and then painful. I stick with the Romance of it, and, for me, the beauty of it. I don't think I'm crazy. But my whole life, people have told me I'm crazy. And they keep doing it.
And I was angry for a long time. I was also ashamed. : I can't help it.
Now, I have no anger, no resentment, no sense of a need for revenge or instruction. I love being treated badly. It makes me feel like a professional wrestling heel. I'm The Phantom of the Opera who never breaks kayfabe. Even when I seem to be. For all you musicians.

I might die tomorrow. Good.
Good.

I don't want respect. I'm irreverent. It would be hypocritical for me to want to be respected myself. And if I ever mess up, I have a shrine in my room dedicated to the god Hypocrite, who blesses me every time I fuck it all up.


I'm not denigrating your problems, and your sufferings. I'm making use of them, in the way we all, sometimes want to be useful.
And I'm saying that your art, your music, to me in my crazy Romantic existence, is more glorious to me than your well-being. Which isn't to say that your well-being isn't more valuable than your worth. I'm saying we all die and suffer, and our worth is a gloriousness we're merely toying with here.



And being a heel, I have no responsibility whatsoever. You, as a face, or hero, or whatever you are, have only to join me, or ignore me, or kick my pathetic ass.

[Bunx]

Rowens- Haha no ass kicking needs to be done. I feel like I have a love-hate relationship with the romantic elements of something like schizoaffective. I admit every time I got lost in the deep end of visual / auditory hallucinations / down the delusion rabbit hole; it was meaningful, romantic, enlightening in ways, and spiritual. To say that the perspective doesn't affect my writing, and music would be very narrow minded, just wrong.

I feel like my rub with it is for all that time living in that surreal reality, you lose sight of yourself, and your peers. It creates this dissonance within yourself; when your mind alters perception it is challenging (for me) to carry the weight of assumption based on subjectivity. All of this is within the contexts of a diagnosis, that is a cogitative irregularity, and can often be treated. For me that concept blurs the potential romantic element, when surreal encounters are (kind of / very loosely) explainable.

I ended up having to construct-deconstruct-rebuild from the ground up more then a couple times in multiple circumstances and contexts. I feel like for me there is a line of choosing what to internalize, and accept from these experiences. In a way they can open your mind, and enforce positive traits (ex: empathy, open-mindedness, artistic ideas, expression, modesty). There sometimes truths within my schiozaffective experiences, and lessons to learn. Though I feel like I apply them in hindsight, and overtime I apply those truths on how I interact internally and my community.

To sum up yet another mental-illness or neuro-divergent opinion. I think the perspective of a nuero-divergent artist / writer should be honored and validated. All inspiration can empower and shape art, and art without diversity is stale. I truly feel like all sides of a neuro-diverse perspective should have less stigma, and be approached on a more human level; not a condemnation but a layer of the human experience. Where there is acknowledgement for societal stability, accountability, and growth. As well as artistic appreciation for art in where mindset nurtures the idea.

Anyways, sorry if this reply is totally off topic or basis, and all of this is very very biased and my opinions.

also rowens, you get my wheels turning I like that about you and your writing aton. I had to look up kayfabe
"In professional wrestling, kayfabe, as a noun, is the portrayal of staged events within the industry as "real" or "true"
--if pigpenpoetry was the WWE, I'd just hope I'm not Brett Hart

[rowens]

It's difficult to get off basis on your own topic.


If you were Bret Hart, you'd have to, first of all, be Canadian. That's the first rule in Bret Hart. Everything else in Bret Hart is secondary, except those things that are thirdly . . . and so on.

---

I don't know if being schizo-affective somehow makes it easier or more difficult to get off topic of your own topic. I declare both and more.

I don't know if my schizo-affective diagnosis is still in the books. I've been diagnosed with all the popular things, and been on all the popular drugs as of 2010.

Now I run wild. No drugs, only booze, and the occasional thing I take while drinking with drug addicts.

I let them put me on drugs in the past, because I felt bad for the people who were offended by me. Now I don't feel bad. . . .

[rowens]

I'd like to have something against Canada. But then, there's Kacey Rohl.

[Thunderembargo]

Pill x Pill
Try this:
How many days away from insanity
does it take to be sane?

No voices, hallucinations, or delusions.
Is sanity the illusion?                            provactive line here

Working five days a week.
Diagnosis, the secret I keep.

No more days, I cannot sleep.
No more days wandering streets.

Pill by pill, I swallow the truth.
Despite stigma I can be of use.

How many years does it take
before you claim what was?

Realizing, you rather be you.
Then the boy society had.                 I completely concur, this line is cumbersome. perhaps a following stanza to set                                                       up the very last stamza, these complexities might be examined further: however, I like the simplicity of the poem.   perhaps it is this very simple and direct phrasing - throughout the poem - which suggest s the kind of subtle development in character that you're aware of within your self, thus and hence, "the secret I keep."    the relationship between society and it's expectations on the youth "the boy society had" are the very crux of the psychological dilemma and aptly suggested, insanity.   It is by dealing with the broader questions of society that the raging feelings which may burn within you can be called in to question.   What is your duty to society?   What aught you to feel about other idiots running around?   How can you cope with the questions and, indeed, problems of society if you, your self, have not sought to understand the common ailments of humanity that belie and poison each and every one of us.

On the whole a dynamic and soothing poem.   Damn Therapuetic actually.

Far down the rabbits hole you fell.
No one believed you climb so far.

---

I'd like to have something against Canada. But then, there's Kacey Rohl.

 friend.