Water-Down
#1
Sprinkler-made shallow seconds
changes it’s surface to sunken
ships to sand-smothered splinters.

From smooth skin to sour-scrunched 
shallow grooves. Sip to sweat sun 
and shadows, to stale seasons like
second-hand smoke succumbs to 
sentimental grooves of sunken stone. 

Sloppy seconds changes its surface 
to story spoiler specks of should
and would to sand-smothered splinters.
Reply
#2
"sour-scrunched" I just don't like, can't explain why, maybe because it adds nothing understandable to me in what it's modifying

"second hand smoke" and "sloppy seconds" really feel out of place compared to the rest of the imagery.

I'm assuming you set yourself some kind of challenge related to the alliteration which I think is a fun read.

Really, really like that last stanza (except for, as mentioned, "sloppy seconds")
"Take what you need and leave the rest"
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!