unmelted - edit
#1
unmelted


ice vitrifies my thoughts this jewel day
  oaks diamond-clad
  streets dimly pearled
  onyx bushes flocked with moonstone wool

bright bitter beauty’s gemstone silences
deep-frozen as your unresponsive heart




original version;
Unmelted


Ice occupies my thoughts this jewel day
  trees diamond-clad
  streets dimly pearled
  jet bushes flocked with moonstone fleece

bright bitter beauty’s gemstone silences
deep-frozen as your unresponsive heart.




feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
#2
Hey dukealien,
First impression is wow! This was really impressive with all the nice strong images. My favorite is the 4th line with “moonstone fleece.” I also really like the alliteration. Also all the different rocks and jewels was a nice touch. I’m trying to find something that I don’t like about it but there’s really nothing because it is an easy read with no hiccups, the words just flowed and worked really well together with a nice twist at the end. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. I’ll definitely come back to it.
Reply
#3
This is marvelous. Would it be better to add punctuation throughout, and not just at the last line (why only the single period?)? I initially thought that it might be better to name a specific type of tree and bush as we are normally told to do, but I'm not sure any specific tree would *sound* as good as the word "tree". Elms diamond-clad? Perhaps. Is "occupy" the best word for what ice is doing to your thoughts? Seem to be consumed or tormented by these thoughts.
Reply
#4
Hey duke-

Texas surely did take an ugly beating.  Thanks for finding some beauty in it. 

I was perplexed by the word "jet", slipped hard on it, and almost busted my eyeballs.  I took it to mean mean "jet", as in jet black.  Then I wondered what "jet bushes" look like.  So, me being me, I had to look it up...

When I googled for further definition, the first thing I came up with was "Jett Bush is a 6-2, 220-pound Inside Linebacker from Houston, TX."  The place is close, but the image not.  Once I'd done that, it froze up the whole thing for me.  Had to look it up and spoil it for myself, didn't I? Damnit!

Of course "jet" also refers to "a type of lignite, the lowest rank of coal, and is a gemstone."  I wish I'd seen this definition first, as it fits perfectly,  contrasting black and white.  If it was "jet outcroppings", I probably would never have sought clarification.

'Cept for my need to define that one, little, three letter word, and mess up its meaning, this was a lovely piece of work for me. 

Thanks,
Mark

ps. never underestimate the unintended consequences on readers who cannot help but look things up. I guarantee that from now on I'll smile whenever I read the word "jet."
Reply
#5
edit 1;

unmelted


ice vitrifies my thoughts this jewel day
  oaks diamond-clad
  streets dimly pearled
  onyx bushes flocked with moonstone wool

bright bitter beauty’s gemstone silences
deep-frozen as your unresponsive heart




Thanks to all critics.  At the risk of trying too hard, I've incorporated just about all the advice in this edit - including removal of punctuation other then hyphens, line breaks, and a bit of white space.  


I had this ready to post when @Mark provided his insight... already had the vague feeling "jet" was too multi.  The result brings the line closer to IP.   "Vitrifies" came hard, and may be a mistake:  "turns to glass" fits dictionary-wise, but could be another lookup trap.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!