Dispossessed
#1
Because the house is empty,
all that can be heard
is a buzzing fly, tapping on
an image kept by dusty glass
as if it was real enough
to live in, even if the sill
will be where it rests
with the others. So,
I'll leave the window open
and tear the screen.




Minor edit:


Changed the word "in" in L4 to "by"

Reply
#2
Hi Alexorande,

Been reading this over both yesterday and this morning.  It grows on you.  In a good way.  It also has a very nice beat to it.

I have a bit of trouble with the fly obsessing over a framed photo, if I'm reading this right.  Just because I've never seen one do it and that's how my overly literal mind works.

Tim

p.s. I have cut a screen myself.  Something there is about trapped flies.
"Take what you need and leave the rest"
Reply
#3
(02-16-2021, 04:40 AM)alexorande Wrote:  Because the house is empty, An empty house
all that can be heard a buzzing fly
is a buzzing fly, tapping on  ...
an image kept in dusty glass 
as if it was real enough
to live in, even if the sill
will be where it rests
with the others. So,
I'll leave the window open
and tear the screen.

Free verse construction: how did you decide on your line ends rather than the end of a natural phrase or clause? Could wordage be cut? - e.g. An empty house, a buzzing (annoying) fly tap, tap, tapping...

Strong imagery. Flies can buzz at anything. And I particularly like the sill covered in dead flies, potentially the resting place of the current subject. Thumbsup

Take what you want, bin the rest. Thumbsup
feedback award A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.
Reply
#4
TranquillityBase,

The trouble with you reading it as a fly tapping on a picture frame is my mistake that can possibly be resolved with a simple fix. Let me know how it reads or if it still reads the same : )

John,

Thank you for the feedback! I wouldn't understand the sentence structure the way you rewrote it. To type it out simply, it would read: "An empty house, a buzzing fly tapping on an image kept in dusty glass as if it was real enough to live in, even if the sill will be where it rests with the others."

I should've made this clear in the OP but the reason I began with "Because..." is because the previous poem in the collection I'm working on ends with a question, and I just wanted to be bold (maybe too bold) to add to the flow of the collection. If there are other ways you would suggest I open the poem as if it were answering a question, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

As for how I decided where to end my lines, it was a combination of listening for the rhythm and deciding which part of the sentence to end on would keep the reader somewhat interested in what the next line would be.

Again, thank you for the feedback,
Alex
Reply
#5
Hey Alexorande, I enjoyed reading your poem. It reminded me of a documentary I watched sometime ago about alternative living and how the ways in which we live is somehow inharmonious with nature. Its a sad little poem, but the last sentiment of opening the window confronts that. It also speaks to migration in general, I'm thinking of the US/Mexican border struggle, or the Syrian refuge crisis, though i'm hesitant to think of these people as flies! Maybe i'm totally off your mark.. but thats where my close read took me. Thanks for sharing, some more comments below. 



(02-16-2021, 04:40 AM)alexorande Wrote:  Because the house is empty,  I'm not sure I have any particular feelings about starting the poem off with because but I suppose you could always try to get it in the title if you decide you don't like it in this line, but want to keep it. 
all that can be heard This poem is pretty tight with its economy, that said, if any line is disposable it may be this one! I think once you give us the sound of the fly it will be all we hear. 
is a buzzing fly, tapping on
an image kept by dusty glass I did read this as a picture frame my first couple of times, then I thought there is a photograph on the window sill? I'm making associations between flies being drawn to decay and how a photograph is of a past event. But actually my current reading is that the image is maybe whatever is behind the window, be that an exterior view or an interior view. Still not entirely sure. 
as if it was real enough
to live in, even if the sill
will be where it rests
with the others. So,
I'll leave the window open
and tear the screen. I like tearing the screen because its more aggressive/active than just opening the window. The narrator really commits to their conviction! 




Minor edit:


Changed the word "in" in L4 to "by"

Reply
#6
I do like this piece. I enjoy the first line, I love jumping into things. If you’re unsure of it you could always have the title add to the actual poem. The reader will read the title like a first line and then your actual first line will technically be your second, but I personally love a beginning that feels like I’m already in the middle of it, like a small snippet of a scene or of a moment...like a photograph.

Line 2: “all that can be heard” is unnecessary. The first line provides the image perfectly.

“...as if it was real enough/to live in” I like the idea behind that. I’ve read your poem numerous times and that line really makes it feels so human because it’s almost about settling and dying where you’re at instead of where you want to be. I really liked that.

I like your line breaks, especially lines 7 and 8. It made the last two lines more bold with the long pause, giving it more time to really sink in.

I really enjoyed your piece. It doesn’t try to be philosophical but it is. It was really a good, clean read that left me thinking about it.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!