.....
#1
iced in and cut off

powerless in winter’s grip

rain like razor wire
Reply
#2
(02-15-2021, 02:36 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  iced in and cut off

powerless in winter’s grip

rain like razor wire

Having just braved an ice storm (yes, that one, but on 35E instead of 35W) this definitely resonates, sitting at home today and (obviously) tele-writing instead of doing anything useful. "[C]ut" and "razor" work nicely. I must say that "rain," though rhyming aptly with "razor," seems a bit off; "sleet," however, is hard to pronounce ahead of "like." You may have the best of it there.

Cut-grip-razor raises suitably unpleasant images of isolation-engendered suicidal thoughts - stay with us, Mark! Spring is just around, well, two or three corners.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
#3
Hey Duke-

Thanks for the comments.

This short one applies to the ice storm that we experienced in Virginia.

"... unpleasant images of isolation-engendered suicidal thoughts - stay with us, Mark! Spring is just around, well, two or three corners."

Though I must admit to some self-destructive behaviors, I have never considered suicide.  I definitely see your interpretation, but I have every intention of keeping my blood in my veins.  I am already tweeking a couple pieces for Spring, because it will surely come, and I plan on being part of it.

The razor wire image was more literal than metaphorical- the freezing rain from my porch actually looked like razor wire to me. Though we didn't lose power (underground utlilities) there are plenty of folks who were literally (temporarily) iced in, cut off, and powerless due to the storm.

Hope all is well in the great state of Texas,
Mark
Reply
#4
(02-15-2021, 02:36 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  iced in and cut off

powerless in winter’s grip

rain like razor wire

Hey Mark, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with this poem. I love the word choices and the interplay between them. It is the interplay that allows the poem to convey so much in just 13 words. You know how I feel about brevity, so for me this is a very strong short poem. The part that I hate, is that it's a very strong short poem dressed as a haiku. I read what you said about syllable counts on your other thread and I agree they have their place. But to me your poem does things that are not usually asked of a haiku (which for me is the charm of the piece) but it also does not really check all the boxes of what a haiku usually  is built on. I am guilty of the same thing ALL THE TIME which is why your poem fascinates me. I wouldn't offer any specific suggestions but you might try kicking some of the haiku out of this and see what you end up with. 

(at least 40% of me disagrees completely with my comments above) 

Enjoyed,
Paul
Reply
#5
Hey Paul-

Thanks for the comments.  In real life conversations I am a person who will talk around an idea as I formulate an opinion, often leading people to say, "just shut up."

So, when it comes to poetry, I employ what may seem to be foolish "rules" upon myself in order to stay concise.  This poem is no exception, and it went through many iterations until I landed on a 5-7-5 structure.  My main goal was to offer up a short observation that could have multiple interpretations.  I  leave it readers to react however they want.

As I review (edit) many of my poems, I find that most of them follow a very specific form.  This adherence to form has led me to abandon many poems along the way.  It has also helped me convey certain ideas, sort of like using a jello mold. (In criticising myself, cookie cutter also comes to mind).

I have been using this method for so long now that, love it or leave it, it has become my style.

To your point, if I tried " kicking some of the haiku out of this" I would probably wind up with a five syallable poem, as I always edit down, not up. Those five syllables would be "rain like razor wire" which are the only five original to this piece.  And yes, I had to look up "wire" to make sure it is a single syallable word.

See how I can go on, and on?  'nough said, and enough is too much...
Mark 




Hey Mark, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with this poem. I love the word choices and the interplay between them. It is the interplay that allows the poem to convey so much in just 13 words. You know how I feel about brevity, so for me this is a very strong short poem. The part that I hate, is that it's a very strong short poem dressed as a haiku. I read what you said about syllable counts on your other thread and I agree they have their place. But to me your poem does things that are not usually asked of a haiku (which for me is the charm of the piece) but it also does not really check all the boxes of what a haiku usually  is built on. I am guilty of the same thing ALL THE TIME which is why your poem fascinates me. I wouldn't offer any specific suggestions but you might try kicking some of the haiku out of this and see what you end up with. 

(at least 40% of me disagrees completely with my comments above) 

Enjoyed,
Paul
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!