Burble

[Miley]

Dinosaurs predate 
grass. Angels have
perfect attendance 
speaking softly
like televisions in the background:
      
       light, compassion,
      rigor mortis, snow
     ineffable dirt, speckled 
     cosmos. 

This river 
                shall not be seized. 

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Miley,

The more times I read this, the more I want the first line to go away.  Then it seems almost perfect.  At least it all fits together into a message that has nothing to do with that first line.

It would also be cool to center align the italicized section.

With or without that line, it's a striking poem.  Perfect attendance indeed!

Tim

[alexorande]

Hi Miley!

This is a nice little poem I'll go into more detail below

Dinosaurs predate Interesting opener, but it seems like you could omit it from the poem without losing anything
grass. Angels have
perfect attendance 
speaking softly
like televisions in the background: nice simile, but I can't see what the image contributes to the poem. I'd suggest fleshing out this idea you were trying to convey more when you redraft and you're reconsidering the use of some words
      
       light, compassion,
      rigor mortis, snow
     ineffable dirt, speckled What is ineffable about the dirt?
     cosmos. "speckled cosmos" could maybe be a whole line. not sure why the word "cosmos" is isolated. So far I take it that this stanza describes the journey of some life form from before birth to after death.

This river 
                shall not be seized. Why the space between lines? Aside from the title (which I like by the way), again, I'm struggling to see what the image of a river contributes to the poem.

Thank you for the read! Despite my comments, I did enjoy the flow of the poem, but I find it struggling with coherency. Angels, rivers, dinosaurs, televisions, how is the N binding these things together under one sharply focused concept? And how are they doing this in one short poem?

Warm regards,
Alex