Relief of Amsterdam
#1
Once it occurred, in relief of amsterdam
the assembly chorus hollered
fusion beats bumping hollow moons
playing the time with rusted horns
bleating night-mares into prescient comedy
or rolling up smoke from trees of maple
burnt into sallow inchoate, ashen eyes and sombre
before, they time and times
and half a time
with coal rivers burning up the land
and ghetto dragons breathing crystal
like London fog
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
Reply
#2
(11-14-2020, 04:10 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote:  Once it occurred, in relief of amsterdam  why not capitalized, when "London" is?  relief paint, perhaps?
the assembly chorus hollered  "hollered" a little informal, though alliteration with the next line noted
fusion beats bumping hollow moons
playing the time with rusted horns
bleating night-mares into prescient comedy
or rolling up smoke from trees of maple
burnt into sallow inchoate, ashen eyes and sombre "ashen" should modify face rather than eyes, particularly with "sallow"
before, they time and times
and half a time
with coal rivers burning up the land  a notable image!
and ghetto dragons breathing crystal
like London fog  dragons breathing crystal, or fog - fine.  Crystal fog, though... ice fog, perhaps?

I can't shake the suspicion that this is a randomly-generated poem which uses some fairly strict (but not strict enough) rules to make words and phrases seem to relate to each other.  It contains some memorable phrases such as "smoke from trees of maple" and "coal rivers burning up the land" which, on further consideration, don't quite make sense.

"[T]hey time and times/and half a time" has an interesting vibe from the "thousand nights and a night," but remains grammatically opaque.

My suggestion would be to go back and fit these interesting phrases and images together in a manner that s not just striking (they already are) but, if you will, coherent.  Doesn't have to be simple declarative sentences, you're not necessarily telling a story.  But, in showing rather than telling, the picture you're painting could be improved with a flow readers could follow, or hints as to an underlying organization.

That's all I've got.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
#3
Hello Thunder,

An engaging poem but the message and meaning is lost on me.
There are some nice phrases, but I don't get their meaning because they don't seem to relate or connect with anything else - like separate thoughts that are unresolved.

The first line is a bit awkward and unnatural - keep it simple for the opener.
Have to say, I'm not sure about the 'times' couplet - over-stressed?
I get the 'crystal' reference - but again, another detached concept.

Use imagery to drive the narration/mood/message into something grounded enough for the reader to grasp-
remember when the pits were open / with coal rivers burning up the land

just my thoughts...........Philip
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!