Murmurings of Rainfall's Ghost (Rondelet)
#1
We rain through time
congealed in memory's malaise.
We rain through time
and steel, on carcasses and slime,
with secrets washed from yesterday's
forever. In this methane-haze,
we rain through time.








Below is the version I'm using in my collection


                        ...washed through time congealed

in memory's malaise and carcasses 
 
                       we rain on steel and slime forever

through methane-haze with secrets washed

                                    from yesterday's forever

            in memory's malaise, we rain through time

congealed in slime and secrets,

            washed from carcasses and steel

in memory's methane-haze, secrets, washed

                                    from yesterday's malaise and slime,

            rain on carcasses congealed in time

                        from slime, we rain through steel

and memory's carcasses, congealed forever in...

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#2
WOW!!! I love this; especially the second version. It feels dark, but it's also giving me a cyclical seasonal fall feeling. I think it is artfully done. 

In the first version, the repetition of "we rain through time" hits pretty strongly. The first person pleural of "we" and the active verb of "rain" feel so different from the rest of the poem. By the last repetition, it starts to get pretty jarring to me. I know part of that may come from the formal structure, but have you considered softening that line a little? Perhaps "washed through time" instead? 

Beautiful work.
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#3
This one's perfect, don't change a thing. The imagery here is ideal by my standards, which I generally can't achieve which is why my poetry tends to be more philosophical and prosey. The one in the spoiler is even better with all the zig-zags.
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#4
We rain through time
congealed in memory's malaise.
We rain through time
and steel, on carcasses and slime,
with secrets washed from yesterday's
forever. In this methane-haze,
we rain through time.

Such a direct simplicity and elegance, it is difficult to find anything blaringly weak or incorrect about the poem.


Perhaps you could mess around with punctuation in order to give a different look at the body of the text---to disrupt some of the ideas.

The ideas are juxtaposed well and are differentiated by the metronome.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#5
Hello Alex,
a nice shorty I enjoyed reading - and the recurring motif worked well for me, giving the poem a circular resolution.

The title is a bit unwieldy - 'murmurings' seems too passive and vague for me, and is the ghost important?

congealed in memory's malaise. - I'm not fond of 'congealed', it cuts against the idea of rain - wet/soaked/drenched ?
and steel, on carcasses and slime, - do you mean 'on steel' ?

'washed' sounds too weak for me, I know it ties in with the rain - drained would make a nice in-rhyme.
yesterday's forever - bordering on the bombastic here...

methane haze - I'm thinking global warming and droughts?

just my thoughts, thanks for sharing.............Philip
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#6
Thanks everyone for the feedback so far! The first sentence is structured so that it's saying that "time" is the thing that has congealed, not the rain. I don't think wet, soaked, drenched convey the image of something solidifying. If it wasn't adequately expressed, I'd love to hear other ways to rewrite while still keeping to the meter and rhyme scheme.

philip,

I'm going to shorten "murmurings" to "murmurs", but I'm a bit unclear about what is passive or vague about the term. And if it is, is that necessarily bad about a title? Could the issue be that it doesn't evoke much for you? And "ghost" in the title is important, because the poem isn't representing the sound of rainfall from the sky to the ground.

Since the poem isn't representing the sound of rain falling from the sky to the ground, "we rain on steel" wouldn't work either. It rains through steel and onto all that nasty stuff mentioned.

"Secrets drained" would give me a nice in-rhyme, but again, I don't think it matches up with what I'm trying to say.

Finally, could you let me know what borders on bombast about the phrase "yesterday's forever"? Is there another way you'd suggest I write it?

XD please believe me, I'm not trying to discard your feedback, just trying to get a clear point to begin editing from.



"Haze" actually isn't the word I'm looking for in that 6th line. Will rewrite.
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#7
Hello Alex, thank you for responding, and I'm happy give further explanation.

'Murmurs' - is only weak in comparison to the confident statement of the opening line - 'whispers' might serve better? And I'm still lost on the ghost - a metaphorical stretch too far?

Congealed - entwined, caught, captured, stranded, entangled etc

There seems to be a confusing logic regarding the rain, not falling. Raining through steel, which is mysterious to me, yet on carcasses and slime.

Yesterday's forever - 'forever' is the snag, too wide-reaching and ambiguous maybe. I'm not totally clear on the meaning, but perhaps-
Yesterday's utopia/ambition/promise etc.

If you are not happy with 'haze', then swap it with 'malaise' ?

Hope this helps.............P
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