Dear Bed
#1
My love, 
So warm,
so soft, 
so inviting.
 
Thou art there for me my love, 
When times are hard and trying. 

Thou art better than any other spot, 
Thou so well do preform, 
Sun or storm. 

Thou arms of soft fabric do entangle, 
How they rap me in a tight hug, 
My stress and sorrow they do strangle, 
And break those that at my mind do tug. 

How your body does weigh me, 
Until at last I should fall, 
Unto the plush haven of thee, 
And sleep no longer stall. 

Thou art the strong temptation, 
In the room named just for you, 
And spoils my concentration, 
Thou beautiful siren through and through. 

Thou art my truest love, 
What keeps my truly sane, 
And I thank the stars above, 
That you I do retain. 

Thou can see it in how quickly I run, 
Into Thou’s embarrass at night, 
And struggle so intensely to be done, 
Come the morning light. 

About thou I could go on forever, 
At least eternity or more, 
But I must stop however, 
Lest I become a bore. 
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#2
.
Hi BHF,
an ode to a bed, I see the appeal.

It might work better with a more consistent meter, especially at the beginning,something like

My love, so soft, thy sweet invite is in all ways enticing

How oft to thee I turn, my love, when times are hard and trying.

perhaps? But really it needs to be in pentameter, I think.

It might be worth considering consistently addressing the bed as though it were a lover, so avoiding words

like 'any other spot' (S3) which rather break the spell. 'the plush haven of thee' works very well in this context.

In quite a few places, starting in S4, you are using thou when you should be employing thy, and you instead

of thee. I think you need to be consistent, whichever way you go with those pronouns.

(I'm not sure to what the 'those' of S4 refer. Also you're repeating 'soft' in this verse).

I think you could combine verses six and seven, reworking these elements

Thou art the strong temptation, spoils my concentration, Thou beautiful siren
Thou art my truest love, What keeps my truly sane,

perhaps?

(S8, I think you mean 'embrace'?)

Not sure about the ending (forever and eternity?). I like the humour, but that last word is a hostage to fortune.

(Never invite the reader to consider that boredom is an appropriate reaction to a poem Smile )

I would your charms forever sing

yet in this moment I must no more
my thoughts alas come to nothing
which happens when my husband/good wife snores.


Best, Knot



.
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#3
Hi Knot,

Thank you so much for your thorough critic, you offer a lot of great pointers and I will definitely take them into consideration! 

Wishing you good health,
BHF
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#4
(10-31-2020, 01:02 AM)Baby_Hand_Feilds Wrote:  My love, 
So warm,
so soft, 
so inviting.
 
Thou art there for me my love, 
When times are hard and trying. 

Thou art better than any other spot, 
Thou so well do preform, 
Sun or storm. 

Thou arms of soft fabric do entangle, 
How they rap me in a tight hug, 
My stress and sorrow they do strangle, 
And break those that at my mind do tug. 

How your body does weigh me, 
Until at last I should fall, 
Unto the plush haven of thee, 
And sleep no longer stall. 

Thou art the strong temptation, 
In the room named just for you, 
And spoils my concentration, 
Thou beautiful siren through and through. 

Thou art my truest love, 
What keeps my truly sane, 
And I thank the stars above, 
That you I do retain. 

Thou can see it in how quickly I run, 
Into Thou’s embarrass at night, 
And struggle so intensely to be done, 
Come the morning light. 

About thou I could go on forever, 
At least eternity or more, 
But I must stop however, 
Lest I become a bore. 

Interesting. Well, I do love your constantly rhyming. Most poets start rhyming, then go off-key, which is okay, but I feel if you start, you should finish.

It's obvious that you just love your bed.

'Sleep no longer stall' -- that line confuses me. The word 'stall,' I notice that if you correct it with 'stalled,' it would ruin the rhyming. Maybe that's something to think about?

Also, sirens are known to be evil and manipulative. Keep that in mind.

Those are my thoughts. You did an amazing job! Smile
"I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on inside my head." -- M
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#5
(10-31-2020, 01:02 AM)Baby_Hand_Feilds Wrote:  My love, 
So warm,
so soft, 
so inviting.
 
Thou art there for me my love, 
When times are hard and trying. 

Thou art better than any other spot, 
Thou so well do preform, 
Sun or storm. 

Thou arms of soft fabric do entangle, 
How they rap me in a tight hug, 
My stress and sorrow they do strangle, 
And break those that at my mind do tug. 

How your body does weigh me, 
Until at last I should fall, 
Unto the plush haven of thee, 
And sleep no longer stall. 

Thou art the strong temptation, 
In the room named just for you, 
And spoils my concentration, 
Thou beautiful siren through and through. 

Thou art my truest love, 
What keeps my truly sane, 
And I thank the stars above, 
That you I do retain. 

Thou can see it in how quickly I run, 
Into Thou’s embarrass at night, 
And struggle so intensely to be done, 
Come the morning light. 

About thou I could go on forever, 
At least eternity or more, 
But I must stop however, 
Lest I become a bore. 

Thou is the subject and thee the object form of “you”
“Thy” is the possessive 
Needs a rewrite with the correct grammar
Reply
#6
Baby_Hand_Feilds,

One of the problems with using archaic language is, well...it's archaic, and most people do not know how to use it grammatically and of course bumble the grammar. But, then one has to ask why do it anyway? The people who wrote like this did it because that is the way they spoke, not because they thought it made the poem seem poetic. To use it today is just affectation, however it still matter of taste and there certainly plenty of bad taste in the world Smile

Anyway, it appears someone has been sniffing the English Romantics again, or maybe even a sip of Donne. The rhyme pattern (abab) screams for iambic tetrameter(one generally expects to find metered lines with a strict rhyme, ie., formal poetry, I'll not go into why, that is a sermon for another day). I'll use your first line to illustrate (please forgive)


'My love, so warm, so soft, inviting,'
you are the haven for my rest,
your love for me is so inspiring,
you are the crown upon my Crest.

Do you see how this gives it form as the meter compliments the thyme?

To me this seems what you may be aiming for, but without a good understanding of meter. I won't go into the demarcation between formal poetry and informal verse but here is a good reason for the separation.Just know that a static rhyme pattern needs a metered line, so it's something you might want to try.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#7
We all love our beds dont we?
Enjoyed reading this, read it 3 times and tried to speed up reading it so that i could sense the rhythm.
Poetry is love, so why not a bed instead of a person.
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