Please, stay away.
#1
My mind
is
a drawbridge.
I
can lure people
in
and give
them
the promise
to pass,
but I
always put up
a wall
when
they get
too close.
"I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on inside my head." -- M
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#2
I like the development towards a payoff in the final two lines. It works.
Could do with fewer line breaks perhaps
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#3
I like the line breaks, gives it a mechanical romance.
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#4
(10-30-2020, 07:27 AM)MelaniaStarHans Wrote:  My mind
Is
A drawbridge.  --- Good opening, I like the metaphor
I
Can draw people  --- use a different word to 'draw' to avoid the repetition
In,   --- don't need comma here
And give
Them
The promise
To pass
By, --- don't need 'by' 
But I
Always put up
A wall
When
They get
Too close.  --- I like the ending, but if you were to continue the drawbridge castle analogy then perhaps you would shut the gate or portcullis

Hi M, neat little poem here, I'm unsure about the line breaks but I see how they can give a juddering effect like a drawbridge going up and down. Also don't need to capitalise every line, just the beginning of sentences.

Cheers for the read,

Mark
feedback award way aye man
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#5
(10-30-2020, 08:42 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  
(10-30-2020, 07:27 AM)MelaniaStarHans Wrote:  My mind
Is
A drawbridge.  --- Good opening, I like the metaphor
I
Can draw people  --- use a different word to 'draw' to avoid the repetition
In,   --- don't need comma here
And give
Them
The promise
To pass
By, --- don't need 'by' 
But I
Always put up
A wall
When
They get
Too close.  --- I like the ending, but if you were to continue the drawbridge castle analogy then perhaps you would shut the gate or portcullis

Hi M, neat little poem here, I'm unsure about the line breaks but I see how they can give a juddering effect like a drawbridge going up and down. Also don't need to capitalise every line, just the beginning of sentences.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

Thank you for the feedback! I edited my poem and used your suggestions. The drawbridge in this poem, though, I'm picturing a bridge less like a medieval drawbridge and more like the Tower Bridge in London.

(10-30-2020, 05:24 PM)busker Wrote:  I like the development towards a payoff in the final two lines. It works.
Could do with fewer line breaks perhaps

Thank you for the feedback!

(10-30-2020, 06:34 PM)Kingsausage1778 Wrote:  I like the line breaks, gives it a mechanical romance.

Thank you for the feedback!
"I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on inside my head." -- M
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#6
Hi Melania,

Posssibly have your title do more work for you:

Drawbridge as a title would allow you to start with "I can lure..."

(10-30-2020, 07:27 AM)MelaniaStarHans Wrote:  My mind
is
a drawbridge.
I--Not a personal fan of these extremely short one word lines. It's a subjective choice. I think the lines work better with at least a subject and verb "I lure" would be better for me than "I"
can lure people--Don't know if you need the "can"
in--Prepositions are almost always incapable of holding down a line. You could do some rearrangement "in people"
and give
them
the promise
to pass,
but I
always put up
a wall
when
they get
too close.
It's a nice conceit. I think it would be stronger if you tightened it up and chopped unneeded words.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#7
(10-31-2020, 04:28 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Melania,

Posssibly have your title do more work for you:

Drawbridge as a title would allow you to start with "I can lure..."

(10-30-2020, 07:27 AM)MelaniaStarHans Wrote:  My mind
is
a drawbridge.
I--Not a personal fan of these extremely short one word lines. It's a subjective choice. I think the lines work better with at least a subject and verb "I lure" would be better for me than "I"
can lure people--Don't know if you need the "can"
in--Prepositions are almost always incapable of holding down a line. You could do some rearrangement "in people"
and give
them
the promise
to pass,
but I
always put up
a wall
when
they get
too close.

It's a nice conceit. I think it would be stronger if you tightened it up and chopped unneeded words.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for your feedback! Smile
"I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on inside my head." -- M
Reply
#8
MelaniaStarHans,

This poem is cute. Cute is not necessary good. It is however a clean poem, just rudimentary.


There seems to be a disconnect around the idea of 'letting people into your mind' and if "they get
too close." Getting to close generally connotes an emotion, not a thought.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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