Flower Powered liquid sunshine
#1
Flower Powered liquid sunshine,
warmth floods the boredom of time,
fills all the cracks and empty space,
my heart and mind no longer race.
Time stands still for a while,
as I turn to the world with a smile.
What a pleasant lie to believe,
a fairy tale too wonderful to leave.
You take my fear, make me bold,
without you my life is ice cold.


BUT why when I want to go home,
you don't want me to leave alone.
Why has your face changed so,
my love, leave my hand I must go.
You have taken more than you gave,
now I banish you to your grave,
to the deepest dungeon in my mind,
where I put all your kind.
You forever shout and bang the bars,
and vengefully tear at the scars.
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#2
(09-12-2020, 01:18 AM)Genie Wrote:  Flower Powered liquid sunshine, Cool phrase, but it makes rhyming and rhythm a bit hard. Maybe "liquid sun"?
warmth floods the boredom of time, Good rhyme scheme. Try to stick to a meter, meaning since the first line goes "FLOwer POWered LIQuid SUNshine", the other lines should sort of adhere to that stress-unstressed syllable pattern. That said, this line sounds pretty good.
fills all the cracks and empty spaces,
my heart and mind no longer races. Fantastic rhyme and idea, except that "races" doesn't work with the plural
Time stands still for awhile, "A while" is a noun here, so it should be two words
as I turn to the world with a smile. Great
What a pleasant lie to believe,
a fairy tale to wonderful to leave. Too wonderful to leave - replace "to wonderful"
You take my fear, make me bold,
without you my life is icy cold. A little off meter, but great words


BUT why when I want to go home, Meter
you don't want me to leave alone.
Why have your face changed so, has
my love , leave my hand I must go.
You have taken more than you gave,
now I banish you to your grave,
to the deepest dungeon in my mind,
where I put all your kind.
You forever shout and bang the bars,
and vengefully tear at the scars.

Great work overall! My comments are generally grammar nitpicks and word choice. Your rhyming is great, so the biggest thing to work on will be rhythm (or "meter"). There are tutorials for meter on this site and all over the web. Basically try to stick with the syllable pattern of the first line. By that I don't mean you have to count all your syllables (though that can help), but look at how Shakespeare says " I do LOVE thee. THEREfore GO with ME. I'll GIVE thee FAIries TO atTEND on THEE." Good work.
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#3
(09-12-2020, 02:19 AM)therabbitisme Wrote:  
(09-12-2020, 01:18 AM)Genie Wrote:  Flower Powered liquid sunshine, Cool phrase, but it makes rhyming and rhythm a bit hard. Maybe "liquid sun"?
warmth floods the boredom of time, Good rhyme scheme. Try to stick to a meter, meaning since the first line goes "FLOwer POWered LIQuid SUNshine", the other lines should sort of adhere to that stress-unstressed syllable pattern. That said, this line sounds pretty good.
fills all the cracks and empty spaces,
my heart and mind no longer races. Fantastic rhyme and idea, except that "races" doesn't work with the plural
Time stands still for awhile, "A while" is a noun here, so it should be two words
as I turn to the world with a smile. Great
What a pleasant lie to believe,
a fairy tale to wonderful to leave. Too wonderful to leave - replace "to wonderful"
You take my fear, make me bold,
without you my life is icy cold. A little off meter, but great words


BUT why when I want to go home, Meter
you don't want me to leave alone.
Why have your face changed so, has
my love , leave my hand I must go.
You have taken more than you gave,
now I banish you to your grave,
to the deepest dungeon in my mind,
where I put all your kind.
You forever shout and bang the bars,
and vengefully tear at the scars.

Great work overall! My comments are generally grammar nitpicks and word choice. Your rhyming is great, so the biggest thing to work on will be rhythm (or "meter"). There are tutorials for meter on this site and all over the web. Basically try to stick with the syllable pattern of the first line. By that I don't mean you have to count all your syllables (though that can help), but look at how Shakespeare says " I do LOVE thee. THEREfore GO with ME. I'll GIVE thee FAIries TO atTEND on THEE." Good work.

Thank you! English is my second language so I have a hard time with grammar. I edited some of the grammar mistakes you pointed out.
I have never heard of the term "meter" but am definitely going to read up on it. 
Thanks again
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#4
(09-12-2020, 02:32 AM)Genie Wrote:  
(09-12-2020, 02:19 AM)therabbitisme Wrote:  
(09-12-2020, 01:18 AM)Genie Wrote:  Flower Powered liquid sunshine, Cool phrase, but it makes rhyming and rhythm a bit hard. Maybe "liquid sun"?
warmth floods the boredom of time, Good rhyme scheme. Try to stick to a meter, meaning since the first line goes "FLOwer POWered LIQuid SUNshine", the other lines should sort of adhere to that stress-unstressed syllable pattern. That said, this line sounds pretty good.
fills all the cracks and empty spaces,
my heart and mind no longer races. Fantastic rhyme and idea, except that "races" doesn't work with the plural
Time stands still for awhile, "A while" is a noun here, so it should be two words
as I turn to the world with a smile. Great
What a pleasant lie to believe,
a fairy tale to wonderful to leave. Too wonderful to leave - replace "to wonderful"
You take my fear, make me bold,
without you my life is icy cold. A little off meter, but great words


BUT why when I want to go home, Meter
you don't want me to leave alone.
Why have your face changed so, has
my love , leave my hand I must go.
You have taken more than you gave,
now I banish you to your grave,
to the deepest dungeon in my mind,
where I put all your kind.
You forever shout and bang the bars,
and vengefully tear at the scars.

Great work overall! My comments are generally grammar nitpicks and word choice. Your rhyming is great, so the biggest thing to work on will be rhythm (or "meter"). There are tutorials for meter on this site and all over the web. Basically try to stick with the syllable pattern of the first line. By that I don't mean you have to count all your syllables (though that can help), but look at how Shakespeare says " I do LOVE thee. THEREfore GO with ME. I'll GIVE thee FAIries TO atTEND on THEE." Good work.

Thank you! English is my second language so I have a hard time with grammar. I edited some of the grammar mistakes you pointed out.
I have never heard of the term "meter" but am definitely going to read up on it. 
Thanks again

Happy to help! Even if you haven't heard of meter, you have a head start, since you have a pretty good feel for it in your poem already. No worries about the grammar, it's better than some native speakers I know  Hysterical ! Keep on practicing, this is a great start!
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#5
I really enjoyed the imagery of the last lines! Try and focus on that. I think the first stanza doesn't flow as well as the second.
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#6
(10-15-2020, 08:28 AM)RhythmGuy Wrote:  I really enjoyed the imagery of the last lines! Try and focus on that. I think the first stanza doesn't flow as well as the second.

Thx RhythmGuy, I am going to do a major edit soon, just waiting for the right mood.

Could you figure out what "Flower powered liquid sunshine" is?
And what the essence of the poem is about?
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