A Child Cries (Depression)
#1
A child cries

The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich
Time turns and options narrow
Choices made
She is found  
Hope shines
Others are given
 
A child cries
 
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone
 
A child cries
 
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying 
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
 
A child cries
 
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light
 
A child cries
 
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
 
A child cries
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#2
(09-01-2020, 06:16 AM)Iamrj Wrote:  A child cries

The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open "Subside and open eyes" would be weird grammar, but sounds 100x better to me rhyme- and style-wise
Colors light the world Nice
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich Nice!
Time turns and options narrow Fantastic line
Choices made
She is found  
Hope shines
Others are given This doesn't match the intensity, clarity, or "density" of the surrounding lines
 
A child cries Love this refrain style, it is underdone in 21st century poetry
 
Promises lost Something about this doesn't work. Either "Promise lost" or "Promises broken" would work and flow better
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark This makes me feel like the whole poem would be stronger with some loose rhyme scheme, rather than none
Will to fight ignites Nice
I teach myself to see The tense of this, and the usage of the word "I" sort of changes the mood abruptly
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold Great line, but it could be split into two
Colors gone and sounds muted Just fantastic
Path unclear
I tremble alone Excellent
 
A child cries
 
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying 
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved Basically perfect stanza, save for lack of rhyme
 
A child cries
 
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures The "and" is off-rhythm
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light All great
 
A child cries
 
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black substantially divergent from the meter
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait need comma
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates excellent
 
A child cries

This could seriously be in one of the more serious critique fora. Truly fantastic overall. You seem to be consciously using free rhythm, and I'm a huge proponent of that. My only advice on that front would be to think more about how people will actually read it. Try and strike a balance between the changing rhythms and the underlying pulse (sorry if that's an opaque description, but I get the feeling you have a feel for this stuff). The power of free verse is in the "atoms" of dense rhymes and rhythms among varying feels, so try reciting this out loud and feel where your heart wants it to flow more naturally. Once again, this is something to be quite proud of.
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#3
The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open 
Colors light the world 
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich 
Time turns and options narrow 
Choices made
She is found  
Hope shines
Others are given 
 
A child cries 
 
Promises lost 
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark 
Will to fight ignites 
I teach myself to see (use either she or I)
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold 
Colors gone and sounds muted 
Path unclear
I tremble alone 
 
A child cries
 
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray 
Keep trying 
Another broken heart (perhaps go a little deeper into the color imagery in the stanza before this line. It may provide a smoother transition from the theme of color to being heartbroken)
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved 
 
A child cries
 
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures (Love this line)
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone 
And I am no farther from the dark 
Or closer to the light 
 
A child cries
 
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black 
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait 
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates  Thumbsup
 
A child cries



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I really enjoyed this poem. I think that it is almost perfect as it is but there are very few things that could be changed. Great work! 
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#4
I think the relentless intrusion of 'a child cries' works well, brings the sound and an unsettled tone.

In the body of the poem, I found only one concrete image - a book. I wonder if you could build further on that, maybe make pages from it part of the litter?

Show me joy, etc., rather than tell me of them.

The poem uses present tense, except for 'trod' in line 5 stanza 1.

Thanks for the chance to read and comment on your poem.
Actually, it’s only really poëtry if it comes from the Poët region of France. Otherwise, it’s just sparkling whine. -- Traditional
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#5
I like the dramatic cadence of the verses which add to the mysterious atmosphere. Who is the child? Why is the child crying? Is it the cry that happens at birth? Is the speaker the same child as a grownup remembering the events of his or her life? Or is it someone else?

What is exactly is the darkness? It the cause of the child’s weeping. What is the book that is being read about? The poems ending seems to indicate an inevitable outcome of death. Does the child represent us all as mortal humans? We arrive on this world crying and perhaps leave it in a mournful state. What is the switch that is reached for? All of these help in creating a very interesting poem.

Suggestion:

The expression “others are given” is too vague and made me pause for too long to try to unravel its meaning.

I like the rhyme of the words fear and appear and wait and penetrates.

The first stanza would sound more dramatic without the conjunction “and”.

Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
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