Under the night sky
#1
Under the night sky that embraces a
Sleepy, ancient city, an old man sits,
pondering another pretty, wasted night.
As usual, some cats come to him.
One jumps on the bench, while some sit around.


Briefly, he looks up at me passing him by,
but then he looks down, and we both go back
to living our own very distinct lives.
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#2
(08-30-2020, 11:26 AM)julevin1 Wrote:  Under the night sky that embraces a
Sleepy, ancient city, an old man sits,(make sleepy lowercase, without that, it breaks the flow of the poem)
pondering another pretty, wasted night.
As usual, some cats come to him.
One jumps on the bench, while some sit around.


Briefly, he looks up at me passing him by,
but then he looks down, and we both go back
to living our own very distinct lives.

Interesting poem, I wish it were longer though, you could expand on this night sky.


Jagged Edge, please take a moment to read the rules.  This is insufficient critique for this forum.   If you post a comment in the workshops, you must follow the posting guidelines for that forum.   

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#3
Newbie to poetry here and first time writing a critique...

First off, I really loved the imagery in this poem. I could perfectly see this old man. I loved the sky "embracing" the city below. It gave me a sense that it was a warm and comfortable night.

I do agree that you should maybe not capitalize Sleepy in the second line. In my own reading of the poem, it threw off the flow a bit. Also, I'm not so sure of the word choice "pretty" in the second line, though I don't have any specific alternatives. As a reader, I wasn't sure exactly what kind of night to envision. What kind of night are you describing here?

Overall in terms of content, I really enjoyed the poem and was very intrigued by the narrator. I want to know a bit more about this person passing by, but I like that there is also a bit of mystery in each of these two individuals lives. I was left wanting more, but in a good way.
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#4
(08-30-2020, 11:26 AM)julevin1 Wrote:  Under the night sky that embraces a
Sleepy, ancient city, an old man sits,
pondering another pretty, wasted night.
As usual, some cats come to him.
One jumps on the bench, while some sit around.


Briefly, he looks up at me passing him by,
but then he looks down, and we both go back
to living our own very distinct lives.

It’s a nice slice of life poem
I think it would read better sans the double adjective in L2. And both sleepy and ancient are lazy adjectives, almost cliches.
The ending is somewhat flat. There isn’t enough of a buildup of the old man’s world for the ending to be the sort of epiphany that you were probably aiming for.
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#5
It reminds me of waiting for godot just different meanings. Maybe convey his mundane a little more, or the opposite (whimsical city come alive)? Overall very interesting and I like the length.
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#6
hello -

first line with a hanging 'a'
is really unnatural and spoils the thought of night's embrace

the ending might be more original.....
'then he looks down' might be 'he looks in my eye'....be brave and ramp up the drama

'and we both go back' - before we go back ?

lovely thought for a poem
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#7
I Have to agree with others on this, the poem could use some more drama. Perhaps a stanza between the current two could accomplish this. Also, the poem could use a little structure, whether this means following a syllable pattern or rhyme scheme. Even loosely following one would give it a little rhythm or flow.
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#8
julevin1,

Overuse of commas. "Sleepy" should not be capitalized. A bit sophomoric as it is littered with cliches. This leaves the impression that the writer is trying to be profound, yet there is no profundity to be found. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just a stage most of us have to go through. Just keep writing.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#9
A description of life in a city...it's good, and gently funny, yet I don't see the reason why the action scene is in bold and has a different font, it could just be the same as the top stanza, if it were me I would emphasize the "Briefly" by putting a long dash after it like "--". Word processors tend to format that by making it a single dash but theres nothing with the two hyphens. A colon or an ellipsis also works.

I don't really see the point in ever changing the font in the middle of a piece, even though that's certainly an interesting avenue of exploration. In my book of poetry I have a different font for the table of contents, because it's not really something anyone's going to read very carefully unless they already know what they are looking for, it's just a visual flourish.
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#10
(08-30-2020, 11:26 AM)julevin1 Wrote:  Under the night sky that embraces a
Sleepy, ancient city, an old man sits,
pondering another pretty, wasted night.
As usual, some cats come to him.
One jumps on the bench, while some sit around.


Briefly, he looks up at me passing him by,
but then he looks down, and we both go back
to living our own very distinct lives.


I feel like this poem as written creates that sense of surprise that is associated with the occasion. It captures that sense of kind of waking up to the world around you only for a brief second. Awesome poem. The imagery you paint in the first stanza it really solid. I am wondering is this mordern-day or in the past. Either way I feel like that scenario is timeless.
Thanks for the read!
Bunx.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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