Cattle
#1
Cattle (a Haibun)

not the odor
but skilled tails
disseminate flies
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#2
(08-28-2020, 11:59 PM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Cattle (a Haibun)

not the odor   This is a bit confusing, flies wouldn't be disseminated by odor. They are drawn to it.
but skilled tails
disseminate flies

The first line needs reworking. Otherwize this is strong poem.

Thanks for the read, sc
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#3
it's a haiku and definitely not a haibun
i agree with semicircle about the first line
also - it's nearly two years old so the chances of getting a... ooh doorbell
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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#4
(08-28-2020, 11:59 PM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Cattle (a Haibun)

not the odor
but skilled tails
disseminate flies

I might have said "dissipate," though it may not be quite as ripe.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#5
(05-23-2022, 11:19 PM)Semicircle Wrote:  
(08-28-2020, 11:59 PM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Cattle (a Haibun)

not the odor   This is a bit confusing, flies wouldn't be disseminated by odor. They are drawn to it.
but skilled tails
disseminate flies

The first line needs reworking. Otherwize this is strong poem.

Thanks for the read, sc

Thank you, SC.  You're right, of course.  I might have to trash this one and just move on to the next, as there is not much else a cow could do.  "Mooing" might work (it fits the syllables), although is a quite a stretch for believability--but could make it kind of funnier though:

not the mooing
but skilled tails
disseminate flies

Meh, I don't know.  Thanks for the catch.
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