Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens
#1
Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.
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#2
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Is this supposed to be a love poem?
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#3
(07-31-2020, 07:23 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Is this supposed to be a love poem?

poem love a be to supposed this is?
Reply
#4
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

'You'll read like a book with a beautiful month' - wow! I thought. That's an original metaphor...type...thing. But it says 'mouth'. 
Rhyming 'rhyme' with 'time' is a crime.
And it gets mouthy at the end. The 'l' in the 'clock' is easy to miss.
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#5
(07-31-2020, 08:44 AM)busker Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

'You'll read like a book with a beautiful month' - wow! I thought. That's an original metaphor...type...thing. But it says 'mouth'. 
Rhyming 'rhyme' with 'time' is a crime.
And it gets mouthy at the end. The 'l' in the 'clock' is easy to miss.


this is my favourite house renovation. They pu t the toilet in the kitttchen.
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#6
On second reading, I think the forced nature of the rhymes works, given that the narrator could be a plumber from Sutherland with marital problems. Not that plumbers from Sutherland can't have read Classics at Balliol.
But seriously, I like the choice of the title, and the wish fulfillment nature of the text.
The second 'beautiful' is rather bland, even if deliberate.
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#7
(07-31-2020, 09:40 AM)busker Wrote:  On second reading, I think the forced nature of the rhymes works, given that the narrator could be a plumber from Sutherland with marital problems. Not that plumbers from Sutherland can't have read Classics at Balliol.
But seriously, I like the choice of the title, and the wish fulfillment nature of the text.
The second 'beautiful' is rather bland, even if deliberate.

Where's the forced rhyme?
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#8
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.

Love on it’s knees, a gardener, ripping out the excess. I like the image and the inherent contrast there of creativity versus destruction, which goes along with the title. It sounds like a double burial.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Rhyming kisses again suggests symmetry, doubling up. The stanza is filled with symmetries. A book is inherently symmetrical. The repetition of the word beauty.

It is so pretty. I still wouldn’t mind seeing you ruin it and take it in a darker place since it is too perfect and exquisite. There is a wind up quality to the feel of it and I want to hear the little song wind down and go out of tune.
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#9
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Fascinating poem! I love the rhyme scheme you created here, if I could give some advice on how to make the poem much stronger, I would get rid of "and" on S1 L2, just a thought! Thanks for sharing.
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#10
(07-31-2020, 10:54 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.

Love on it’s knees, a gardener, ripping out the excess. I like the image and the inherent contrast there of creativity versus destruction, which goes along with the title. It sounds like a double burial.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Rhyming kisses again suggests symmetry, doubling up. The stanza is filled with symmetries. A book is inherently symmetrical. The repetition of the word beauty.

It is so pretty. I still wouldn’t mind seeing you ruin it and take it in a darker place since it is too perfect and exquisite. There is a wind up quality to the feel of it and I want to hear the little song wind down and go out of tune.

thanks for reading. And yeah, this is pretty straight down the middle... I can do that sometimes Smile  but you want it to unravel at the end... I kinda like it ravelled, though. 

thanks again.

(07-31-2020, 01:51 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Fascinating poem! I love the rhyme scheme you created here, if I could give some advice on how to make the poem much stronger, I would get rid of "and" on S1 L2, just a thought! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for reading and commenting. Once again I'm lost for words with regard to how to respond. I mean, there is no "and" on S1 L2. So although I would gladly change it to make the poem stronger for you it seems impossible. Unless you are counting L2 & L3 as a single line (for reasons I can't quite fathom). But, if that be the case, I'm not sure removing the "and" would strengthen the poem, at all. Could you elaborate on why you think it would?
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#11
(08-01-2020, 01:19 AM)Exit Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 10:54 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.

Love on it’s knees, a gardener, ripping out the excess. I like the image and the inherent contrast there of creativity versus destruction, which goes along with the title. It sounds like a double burial.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Rhyming kisses again suggests symmetry, doubling up. The stanza is filled with symmetries. A book is inherently symmetrical. The repetition of the word beauty.

It is so pretty. I still wouldn’t mind seeing you ruin it and take it in a darker place since it is too perfect and exquisite. There is a wind up quality to the feel of it and I want to hear the little song wind down and go out of tune.

thanks for reading. And yeah, this is pretty straight down the middle... I can do that sometimes Smile  but you want it to unravel at the end... I kinda like it ravelled, though. 

thanks again.

(07-31-2020, 01:51 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  
(07-31-2020, 05:21 AM)Exit Wrote:  Silence Doubles As The Well Deepens


I’ll dig up the garden,
remove the dead flowers 
and trees.
And once it’s all done,
or better undone,
I’ll love you like love’s on its knees.
 
And you’ll read like a book
with a beautiful mouth, 
and all of our kisses
will rhyme.
And then you’ll unlock
the safe to a clock
that tells the most beautiful time.

Fascinating poem! I love the rhyme scheme you created here, if I could give some advice on how to make the poem much stronger, I would get rid of "and" on S1 L2, just a thought! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for reading and commenting. Once again I'm lost for words with regard to how to respond. I mean, there is no "and" on S1 L2. So although I would gladly change it to make the poem stronger for you it seems impossible. Unless you are counting L2 & L3 as a single line (for reasons I can't quite fathom). But, if that be the case, I'm not sure removing the "and" would strengthen the poem, at all. Could you elaborate on why you think it would?

Because it would make the line stronger thus making the poem stronger, it would flow better.
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