The Tempest (Haiku)
#1
Sunshine, then dark clouds--
Slanted rain, thunder, lightning.
Then, sunshine again.

Adam DH Torkelson
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#2
(07-31-2020, 12:11 AM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Sunshine, then dark clouds--
Slanted rain, thunder, lightning.
Then, sunshine again.

Adam DH Torkelson
Nice! I like the slanted rain, was an interesting image.
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#3
(07-31-2020, 12:11 AM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Sunshine, then dark clouds--
Slanted rain, thunder, lightning.
Then, sunshine again.

Adam DH Torkelson

There’s too much happening in there for a haiku
It reads like prose
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#4
(07-31-2020, 12:11 AM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Sunshine, then dark clouds--
Slanted rain, thunder, lightning.
Then, sunshine again.

Adam DH Torkelson

I wish all poems were this short. I like it. Although, it is pretty cliche, good weather—bad weather—good weather, and it doesn't do much else with that sentiment; but, I think that's why I like it, it cuts the concept back to its root. It's not trying to dress this familiar idea up in flowery language and tediously drawn-out metaphors. And that simple directness makes you forget you've probably heard it a million times before. 
Having said that, I do agree with Busker that it has too much going on to be Haiku.
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#5
(07-31-2020, 12:11 AM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Sunshine, then dark clouds--
Slanted rain, thunder, lightning.
Then, sunshine again.

Adam DH Torkelson

I agree with both Busker and Exit. The problem with English Language Haiku trying too hard to adhere to a 5-7-5 format is we have too much opportunity to become verbose, when brevity is our objective. That is not to say that ELH cannot be effective with 17 syllables, but it's not a format we need to regard as gospel. If you said...

sunshine
storm
more sunshine

you wouldn't lose anything but descriptors, and the reader would be no less informed. That is not a specific suggestion, only a paring down to the absolute bones of the thing. 

Thanks for posting and welcome to the Pen.
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#6
Thank you all for the feedback! I understand what you are saying and will try and make the next one better, or choose a different form to suit the language better. Thanks again. I haven't studied poetry formally, so you all helped me learn something today.
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#7
Sun, dark clouds--
Slanted rain thunder lightning,
sunshine

And get rid of the The in the title.  Where do people learn this word, 'formally'?

The trick, and it is a trick, is to aggressively arrange the words and feeling tones gently into sound. And then you'll have a gentle magic in your makeup.

Or if you insist on being asian about it.


Sun, clouds--
rain thunder lightning,
sunshine

……...………...……...…………...…......

The new weather has finally cleared here for a few hours, Torkelbuger. I wonder if you've seen it, differently.

There's also


Shine, clouds--
rain thunder lightning,
sun


if you're in the mahamudra mood.
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