The Divine Confusion of a Spin
#1
I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass.
But that didn’t happen for too long.
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
I need a nap from all this spinning.
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.
She was pretty and she inspired me
to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her.
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed.
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder.
I am left wondering if I should spin again
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do.
Would I begin to feel blessed by god.
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.
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#2
There’s some ideas I really like here: the contrast of “fucked with brute force, but really I am blessed” and the ending line of suffering at the hands of the ex girlfriend or yourself. It opens up a fairly good question about who is responsible for our suffering, other people or ourselves. The symbol of spinning feeds into this idea as well. It’s not as clear to me exactly what behaviors the spinning represents...I get the connection between the spinning and the insomnia, so as it stands it seems like manic behavior in general. I wouldn’t mind seeing this idea fleshed out a little more, just a single allusion really. What were you spinning on? Cocaine? Mania? Are the tall blades of moonless grass a clue? There’s a connection to the insomnia but I’m not sure what it is. What was this behavior that the ex-girlfriend seemed to make you stop that you are reconsidering returning to? There’s another potential paradox there if she saved you from yourself and then gutted you.

A favorite image for me: I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core. Also: All the pain I faced was something removed.

Conversely, the line “I don’t want anything to do with her“ strikes me as oddly prosaic. You often walk a line between prose and poetry (so I think I’ve noticed anyway) which is not a general problem for me as a reader. It gives a conversational and immediate tone. But here, the other lines are so charged with emotion, this one really falls flat for me. It’s my biggest complaint.

I am interested to see what you do next with this.
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#3
(07-25-2020, 08:17 PM)Valerie Please Wrote:  There’s some ideas I really like here: the contrast of “fucked with brute force, but really I am blessed” and the ending line of suffering at the hands of the ex girlfriend or yourself. It opens up a fairly good question about who is responsible for our suffering, other people or ourselves. The symbol of spinning feeds into this idea as well. It’s not as clear to me exactly what behaviors the spinning represents...I get the connection between the spinning and the insomnia, so as it stands it seems like manic behavior in general. I wouldn’t mind seeing this idea fleshed out a little more, just a single allusion really. What were you spinning on? Cocaine? Mania? Are the tall blades of moonless grass a clue? There’s a connection to the insomnia but I’m not sure what it is. What was this behavior that the ex-girlfriend seemed to make you stop that you are reconsidering returning to? There’s another potential paradox there if she saved you from yourself and then gutted you.

A favorite image for me: I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core. Also: All the pain I faced was something removed.

Conversely, the line “I don’t want anything to do with her“ strikes me as oddly prosaic. You often walk a line between prose and poetry (so I think I’ve noticed anyway) which is not a general problem for me as a reader. It gives a conversational and immediate tone. But here, the other lines are so charged with emotion, this one really falls flat for me. It’s my biggest complaint.

I am interested to see what you do next with this.

Thanks Valerie, so you think this needs some revising? I will re-visit the piece, also I might need to fix that passage (the "I don't want anything to do with her" line) so thanks again.
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#4
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass. ... 'moonless' is a throwaway adjective here. Can do better. Also, spinning on the grass is ok, but spinning on grass blades....
But that didn’t happen for too long. ... no link between dancing here and the rest of the poem
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt. ... this is the only good line in the poem
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.  
I need a nap from all this spinning.
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone. .... unusual choice of adjective
She was pretty and she inspired me ... the poem goes downhill from here on. The rest is just a woe-is-me pity fest that no reader would be interested to read.

to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.                 
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her.
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed.
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder.
I am left wondering if I should spin again
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do.
Would I begin to feel blessed by god.
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.
Reply
#5
(07-26-2020, 04:30 AM)busker Wrote:  
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass. ... 'moonless' is a throwaway adjective here. Can do better. Also, spinning on the grass is ok, but spinning on grass blades....
But that didn’t happen for too long. ... no link between dancing here and the rest of the poem
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt. ... this is the only good line in the poem
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.  
I need a nap from all this spinning.
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone. .... unusual choice of adjective
She was pretty and she inspired me ... the poem goes downhill from here on. The rest is just a woe-is-me pity fest that no reader would be interested to read.

to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.                 
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her.
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed.
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder.
I am left wondering if I should spin again
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do.
Would I begin to feel blessed by god.
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.
So what should I do Busker? Should I re-write this poem, or get rid of the rest of the lines to make it better?
Reply
#6
I feel bludgeoned by this. I suppose one could call it confessional, but it generally lacks anything that would leave one to recognize it as a poem; it needs at least some rhythmic quality to move it along. This reads primarily as prose with truncated lines.

I'll just agree with Busker and not revisit what he has written.

This sounds like the intro to a bad "hard boiled dick" novel:

"I once was crying from all the pain I felt when I got fucked over by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn. " ...when she walked into my office...

Sorry, I just don't see much to recommend this poem. What you attempt to say has all been said many times before and better. I generally stay away from love poetry as it is one of the hardest types to write as it is difficult to find a unique (fresh) way to say something about this subject.

Sorry to be a downer...

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#7
(07-27-2020, 01:24 PM)Erthona Wrote:  I feel bludgeoned by this. I suppose one could call it confessional, but it generally lacks anything that would leave one to recognize it as a poem; it needs at least some rhythmic quality to move it along. This reads primarily as prose with truncated lines.   

I'll just agree with Busker and not revisit what he has written.

This sounds like the intro to a bad "hard boiled dick" novel:

"I once was crying from all the pain I felt when I got fucked over by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn. " ...when she walked into my office...

Sorry, I just don't see much to recommend this poem. What you attempt to say has all been said many times before and better. I generally stay away from love poetry as it is one of the hardest types to write as it is difficult to find a unique (fresh) way to say something about this subject.

Sorry to be a downer...

best,

dale

Ok first of all it isn't a love poem, it's about spinning, and also would it be better if it was written in a ballad or a sonnet? I removed the pity-me lines from a previous edit and thought it was ruining the poem. I will show it here.

Here is the revision

I spun around while believing I was happy
on the moonless grass.
But that didn’t happen for too long.
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my leg out for myself to see it melt.
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
I need a nap from all this spinning.
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.
She was pretty, she inspired me
to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. That way I wouldn’t have
to worry about living life in such a demented
way.
Reply
#8
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass.
But that didn’t happen for too long.
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
I need a nap from all this spinning.
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.
She was pretty and she inspired me
to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her.
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed.
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder.
I am left wondering if I should spin again
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do.
Would I begin to feel blessed by god.
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.

What do you mean by "I should"?
Reply
#9
(07-29-2020, 03:07 AM)Exit Wrote:  
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass.
But that didn’t happen for too long.
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
I need a nap from all this spinning.
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.
She was pretty and she inspired me
to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her.
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed.
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder.
I am left wondering if I should spin again
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do.
Would I begin to feel blessed by god.
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.

What do you mean by "I should"?

It's just like how I wrote it "If I should spin again"
Reply
#10
I like your work on this site, this poem included.  I imagine your work really sounds good being read aloud.  Wish I could hear you read it.  Since I am required to critique something, I would just say "like a mad man" might be a little cliche.  I am just an amateur though so take with a grain of salt.


This is insufficient critique for this forum.  In the future, please be sure to check the guidelines for the forum you are in before posting.  Thumbsup

Thank you
-Quix/admin.
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#11
(07-31-2020, 12:00 AM)Torkelburger Wrote:  I like your work on this site, this poem included.  I imagine your work really sounds good being read aloud.  Wish I could hear you read it.  Since I am required to critique something, I would just say "like a mad man" might be a little cliche.  I am just an amateur though so take with a grain of salt.


This is insufficient critique for this forum.  In the future, please be sure to check the guidelines for the forum you are in before posting.  Thumbsup

Thank you
-Quix/admin.

Thanks Torkelburger, I appreciate your feedback.
Reply
#12
JaggedEdge,

Yes, I like the original better, although it also could do with some editing for clarity.

These are the lines that made me think it was a love poem.

"I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her."

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#13
(07-31-2020, 04:15 PM)Erthona Wrote:  JaggedEdge,

Yes, I like the original better, although it also could do with some editing for clarity.

These are the lines that made me think it was a love poem.

"I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her."

dale

Thank you for your review. I appreciate your comments.
Reply
#14
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass.
But that didn’t happen for too long. To start the reader off with an image, I would probably rewrite this line and the lines above as: "On the tall blades of moonless grass, / I spun around while believing I was happy, / but that didn't happen for too long."
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching I think "hit" makes the pillow seem harder than it is, which does well in contributing to the experience the N is going through
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
I need a nap from all this spinning. I like this whole Nora Jones sequence you have here. It feels naturally colloquial, mostly because it's saying things in a way that sounds original, even if it isnt offering the reader images. In other areas of the poem though, this tone is lost and the phrases border on cliche
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.
She was pretty and she inspired me
to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her. I feel like there's a better way to portray the feelings in this line and the 2 lines above rather than just telling it to your audience
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed. Blessed how
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder. I like this. Maybe consider: "All the pain I faced pushed me / aside like a boulder." or some variation of that because I know the line breaks were off. This is mostly to omit some words that don't do much to contribute to the poem by not offering anything concrete
I am left wondering if I should spin again Instead of "I am left wondering", maybe consider the shorter and more instant "Maybe". If you choose to do so, you would have to adjust the grammar of this sentence accordingly
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do. Period is confusing here, I would just continue the sentence
Would I begin to feel blessed by god. Question mark instead?
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself. I think the poem gives enough evidence to the reader that the subject was a past lover to the N, so "ex girlfriend" should go without saying. It also sounds a little awkward
I think there are a lot of subjects here that are left unexplored due to the N just giving away their feelings to the reader. Overall though it was an entertaining read. Ty for sharing

Kindly,
Alex
Reply
#15
(08-02-2020, 07:52 AM)alexorande Wrote:  
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy
on the tall blades of moonless grass.
But that didn’t happen for too long. To start the reader off with an image, I would probably rewrite this line and the lines above as: "On the tall blades of moonless grass, / I spun around while believing I was happy, / but that didn't happen for too long."
I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching I think "hit" makes the pillow seem harder than it is, which does well in contributing to the experience the N is going through
myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.
I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.
I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones
on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why
I didn’t call. What did that mean?
More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
I need a nap from all this spinning. I like this whole Nora Jones sequence you have here. It feels naturally colloquial, mostly because it's saying things in a way that sounds original, even if it isnt offering the reader images. In other areas of the poem though, this tone is lost and the phrases border on cliche
Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.
She was pretty and she inspired me
to live my life and stop spinning around
like a mad man. I once was crying from
all the pain I felt when I got fucked over
by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with
my heart, damn.
Never again shall I feel that way.
Never again shall I see her.
I don’t want anything to do with her. I feel like there's a better way to portray the feelings in this line and the 2 lines above rather than just telling it to your audience
In my head, I am fucked with brute force,
but really, I am blessed. Blessed how
All the pain I faced was something removed.
It pushed me aside like a boulder. I like this. Maybe consider: "All the pain I faced pushed me / aside like a boulder." or some variation of that because I know the line breaks were off. This is mostly to omit some words that don't do much to contribute to the poem by not offering anything concrete
I am left wondering if I should spin again Instead of "I am left wondering", maybe consider the shorter and more instant "Maybe". If you choose to do so, you would have to adjust the grammar of this sentence accordingly
and go crazy since I am blind to know
what will happen to me if I do. Period is confusing here, I would just continue the sentence
Would I begin to feel blessed by god. Question mark instead?
Or would I begin to suffer in the hands
of you, ex girlfriend, or myself. I think the poem gives enough evidence to the reader that the subject was a past lover to the N, so "ex girlfriend" should go without saying. It also sounds a little awkward
I think there are a lot of subjects here that are left unexplored due to the N just giving away their feelings to the reader. Overall though it was an entertaining read. Ty for sharing

Kindly,
Alex

Thanks Alex, I knew that adding the ex-girlfriend lines would make the poem weird but then again this is a weird poem itself.

By the way what did you mean by other areas in the poem where the tone is lost and borders on cliché? Can you locate where? I'm assuming where I mentioned the ex-girlfriend passages.
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#16
(08-02-2020, 10:07 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy


on the tall blades of moonless grass.


But that didn’t happen for too long.


I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching


myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.


I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.


I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones


on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why


I didn’t call. What did that mean?


More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.


I need a nap from all this spinning.


Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.


She was pretty and she inspired me


to live my life and stop spinning around


like a mad man. I once was crying from


all the pain I felt when I got fucked over


by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with


my heart, damn.


Never again shall I feel that way.


Never again shall I see her.


I don’t want anything to do with her.


In my head, I am fucked with brute force,


but really, I am blessed.


All the pain I faced was something removed.


It pushed me aside like a boulder.


I am left wondering if I should spin again


and go crazy since I am blind to know


what will happen to me if I do.


Would I begin to feel blessed by god.

Or would I begin to suffer in the hands "Begin" seems wrong. Would "continue" make more sense?


of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.





By the way what did you mean by other areas in the poem where the tone is lost and borders on cliché? Can you locate where? I'm assuming where I mentioned the ex-girlfriend passages.

Mostly the portions in blue. Also, you use the word blessed twice but in different contexts but you never expand on the idea, which imo weakens the evocative power of the ways in which they're used. Like, is the way that the N would feel blessed by god the same as the N acknowledging his state of being blessed? Blessed by whom in the latter? Blessed with what?



Upon revisiting your poem, I also wonder about the significance of the spinning. It seems like a central idea of the poem, but the word is used so many times in connections to a wide range of feelings that I'm not sure if your N even understands what they're trying to do with the word, yet they use it over and over again as if to persuade the audience of its significance.



In short, I think the repeated words and concepts in this poem could be better defined. There's a difference between artistic ambiguity and a writer being unsure of their themes and images. Sorry that I kinda went beyond answering your question and continued giving feedback but I couldn't help myself Hysterical



Warm regards

Alex
Reply
#17
(08-06-2020, 11:56 PM)alexorande Wrote:  
(08-02-2020, 10:07 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  
(07-24-2020, 06:03 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I spun around while believing I was happy


on the tall blades of moonless grass.


But that didn’t happen for too long.


I hit my head on a cotton pillow, watching


myself die out in the mirror, rotting to the core.


I flash my black leg out for myself to see it melt.


I was alone, one day I heard Nora Jones


on my smartphone, I heard don’t know why


I didn’t call. What did that mean?


More like don’t know why I didn’t sleep.


I need a nap from all this spinning.


Yet she spoke with such a precocious tone.


She was pretty and she inspired me


to live my life and stop spinning around


like a mad man. I once was crying from


all the pain I felt when I got fucked over


by my ex, from a rejection, fucking with


my heart, damn.


Never again shall I feel that way.


Never again shall I see her.


I don’t want anything to do with her.


In my head, I am fucked with brute force,


but really, I am blessed.


All the pain I faced was something removed.


It pushed me aside like a boulder.


I am left wondering if I should spin again


and go crazy since I am blind to know


what will happen to me if I do.


Would I begin to feel blessed by god.

Or would I begin to suffer in the hands "Begin" seems wrong. Would "continue" make more sense?


of you, ex girlfriend, or myself.





By the way what did you mean by other areas in the poem where the tone is lost and borders on cliché? Can you locate where? I'm assuming where I mentioned the ex-girlfriend passages.

Mostly the portions in blue. Also, you use the word blessed twice but in different contexts but you never expand on the idea, which imo weakens the evocative power of the ways in which they're used. Like, is the way that the N would feel blessed by god the same as the N acknowledging his state of being blessed? Blessed by whom in the latter? Blessed with what?



Upon revisiting your poem, I also wonder about the significance of the spinning. It seems like a central idea of the poem, but the word is used so many times in connections to a wide range of feelings that I'm not sure if your N even understands what they're trying to do with the word, yet they use it over and over again as if to persuade the audience of its significance.



In short, I think the repeated words and concepts in this poem could be better defined. There's a difference between artistic ambiguity and a writer being unsure of their themes and images. Sorry that I kinda went beyond answering your question and continued giving feedback but I couldn't help myself Hysterical



Warm regards

Alex

Thanks Alex. Did you read my latest revision?
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