To a White Woman Masturbating (Mature Content)
#1
Does it look right? I want to know whether I should re-work it or not. Let me know. 

How dare you touch yourself
to this savage music.
The sound of the Ride of the Valkyries.
You touch yourself and climax
when the drop of percussion
plays and you huff and puff
You touch yourself for hours
inside a room where pink and
white nineteen-sixty bathrooms
glisten and flick light into your eyes.
You constantly wink with your eyelid
and make me lose patience when
you take my hand and make me
fall victim into kissing it. Why?
It smells of your fishy cunt.
Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!


previous version:


How dare you touch yourself
to this savage music, meaning
the sound of the Ride of the Valkyries.
Richard Wagner may lose sleep
because of you, for death was his
end.
You touch yourself for hours
inside a room where pink and
white nineteen-sixty bathrooms
glisten and flick their light through
your eyes.
You constantly make winks with
your iris and make me lose
patience when you take my hand
and make me fall victim into kissing
it, why? It smells of your fishy cunt.
who do you think you are?
Listen to me, I cannot stop you from
masturbating but do it in a way that
will make you graceful and beautiful
when flicking your porcelain white fingers.
You make me lose my mind when I see
you touching yourself in and out with
your hands, it is astonishing to see
so, put on that dirty face of yours
and continue to gyrate that body
when you masturbate.

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#2
Revision
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#3
(06-19-2020, 09:22 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Does it look right? I want to know whether I should re-work it or not. Let me know. 

How dare you touch yourself
to this savage music.
The sound of the Ride of the Valkyries.
You touch yourself and climax
when the drop of percussion
plays and you huff and puff
You touch yourself for hours
inside a room where pink and
white nineteen-sixty bathrooms
glisten and flick light into your eyes.
You constantly wink with your eyelid
and make me lose patience when
you take my hand and make me
fall victim into kissing it. Why?
It smells of your fishy cunt.
Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!

Cool Poem. I love taboo stuff like this, and I love the descriptions at the beginning of the poem:

How dare you touch yourself

to this savage music.
The sound of the Ride of the Valkyries.
You touch yourself and climax

idk why I love the image of someone cumming while listening to ride of the valkyries, but I really do! I feel like you repeat yourself when you say you touch yourself. I would revise the fourth line of your poem so that you're not repeating it. 

You touch yourself for hours

inside a room where pink and

white nineteen-sixty bathrooms
glisten and flick light into your eyes

I really like the imagery here, but once again, I feel like you keep repeating the fact that you touch yourself. Try to find a more descriptive way of showing the reader that you're touching yourself. Don't just say it; paint the image for the reader with your words. The other 3 lines are really cool though!

I think that you're ending could use a bit of work. I kind've get what you're doing; it seems like the narrator has personified their vagina and is almost separating themselves from their sexual desire, which I think is really cool; the lines before that are great for that reason, but then you say:

Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!


I believe the narrator is frustrated that they can't control what arouses them, and I think that the last line is interesting, but it feels like you could end this poem in a much stronger way. I just feel like these two lines don't really do much. You're just stating things, and I've always been told that ending a line in an explanation point is a big no-no.
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#4
(06-25-2020, 08:31 AM)Introspector Wrote:  
(06-19-2020, 09:22 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Does it look right? I want to know whether I should re-work it or not. Let me know. 

How dare you touch yourself
to this savage music.
The sound of the Ride of the Valkyries.
You touch yourself and climax
when the drop of percussion
plays and you huff and puff
You touch yourself for hours
inside a room where pink and
white nineteen-sixty bathrooms
glisten and flick light into your eyes.
You constantly wink with your eyelid
and make me lose patience when
you take my hand and make me
fall victim into kissing it. Why?
It smells of your fishy cunt.
Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!

Cool Poem. I love taboo stuff like this, and I love the descriptions at the beginning of the poem:

How dare you touch yourself

to this savage music.
The sound of the Ride of the Valkyries.
You touch yourself and climax

idk why I love the image of someone cumming while listening to ride of the valkyries, but I really do! I feel like you repeat yourself when you say you touch yourself. I would revise the fourth line of your poem so that you're not repeating it. 

You touch yourself for hours

inside a room where pink and

white nineteen-sixty bathrooms
glisten and flick light into your eyes

I really like the imagery here, but once again, I feel like you keep repeating the fact that you touch yourself. Try to find a more descriptive way of showing the reader that you're touching yourself. Don't just say it; paint the image for the reader with your words. The other 3 lines are really cool though!

I think that you're ending could use a bit of work. I kind've get what you're doing; it seems like the narrator has personified their vagina and is almost separating themselves from their sexual desire, which I think is really cool; the lines before that are great for that reason, but then you say:

Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!


I believe the narrator is frustrated that they can't control what arouses them, and I think that the last line is interesting, but it feels like you could end this poem in a much stronger way. I just feel like these two lines don't really do much. You're just stating things, and I've always been told that ending a line in an explanation point is a big no-no.
Thanks Introspector, but how are the lines? Are the line breaks ok? I thought the lines needed some fixing.
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#5
To a White Woman Masturbating (Mature Content), the title and warning together are informatively humorous in a few different ways.

I assume the poem itself is a comment on privacy and personal desires. On the questionable morality of art and figures in the artworld, and lifestyles, and the haves and have nots.

The actual lines: Some pruning could work. Some playing around with phrasing and sound. The normal stuff. Creating an overall tone, getting the tensions and the releases and the risings and the fallings, the harmonies and the dissonances.


You constantly wink,
make me lose patience
when you take my hand, make me
fall victim to kissing. Why?
It smells of your fishy cunt.


That's one way I'd think about it.


Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!

Those last two lines work well together. The Listen to me! feels like both an angry demand and a desperate plea.
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#6
(06-30-2020, 04:44 AM)rowens Wrote:  To a White Woman Masturbating (Mature Content), the title and warning together are informatively humorous in a few different ways.

I assume the poem itself is a comment on privacy and personal desires. On the questionable morality of art and figures in the artworld, and lifestyles, and the haves and have nots.

The actual lines: Some pruning could work. Some playing around with phrasing and sound. The normal stuff. Creating an overall tone, getting the tensions and the releases and the risings and the fallings, the harmonies and the dissonances.


You constantly wink,
make me lose patience
when you take my hand, make me
fall victim to kissing. Why?
It smells of your fishy cunt.


That's one way I'd think about it.


Who do you think you are?
Listen to me!

Those last two lines work well together. The Listen to me! feels like both an angry demand and a desperate plea.
Thanks Rowens! I'll be sure to play with the phrasings and sounds. Thanks again!
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#7
I like it that it’s a white woman masturbating
Belonging as she does at the apex of the socio-economic pyramid, and being universally prized for the beauty of her bold sexuality, a reputation that cuts across cultures, a white woman masturbating is the ultimate finger to the world.
Because she doesn’t need to masturbate, unless she’s a small whale. A moderately attractive white woman of normal girth and childbearing age can draw penises of all colours. Because she doesn’t need to masturbate, and yet she chooses to, because her white male partner is too busy trying to run the world.
A white woman masturbating challenges the status quo.
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#8
I said the poem seemed a comment on something. But a poem is a poem, and if a comment, not necessarily a comment in general. And some people don't emphasize sound in the way I would. Some prefer a more stark style.
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#9
(06-30-2020, 08:42 PM)busker Wrote:  I like it that it’s a white woman masturbating
Belonging as she does at the apex of the socio-economic pyramid, and being universally prized for the beauty of her bold sexuality, a reputation that cuts across cultures, a white woman masturbating is the ultimate finger to the world.
Because she doesn’t need to masturbate, unless she’s a small whale. A moderately attractive white woman of normal girth and childbearing age can draw penises of all colours. Because she doesn’t need to masturbate, and yet she chooses to, because her white male partner is too busy trying to run the world.
A white woman masturbating challenges the status quo.
Cool! Is that how you feel about this poem?

(07-01-2020, 12:15 AM)rowens Wrote:  I said the poem seemed a comment on something. But a poem is a poem, and if a comment, not necessarily a comment in general. And some people don't emphasize sound in the way I would. Some prefer a more stark style.
Ok, thanks for your insight on it.
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