Under the night sky
#1
Under the night sky that embraces a
Sleepy, ancient city, an old man sits,
pondering his rather regretful night.
As usual, the cats come to him.
One jumps on the bench, while some sit around.










PS: Would this be considered iambic pentameter?
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#2
(06-17-2020, 07:52 PM)julevin1 Wrote:  Under the night sky that embraces a
Sleepy, ancient city, an old man sits,
pondering his rather regretful night.
As usual, the cats come to him.
One jumps on the bench, while some sit around.



PS: Would this be considered iambic pentameter?

I'd call it free verse - most of the lines contain ten beats more or less, but none reads as five iambs (unstressed followed by stressed).  Nothing wrong with that, though!  Free verse is a perfectly fine form for poetry.

In basic critique, a minor typographic note:  your second line need (should?) not be capitalized since it's a continuation of the sentence on the first line.  (Alternatively, all lines could be capitalized, but some regard this as archaic.)

Generally, each use of the word "the" should be carefully examined.  Unless it accurately refers to the sole instance (*a* priest, *the* Pope) it can almost always be replaced by a more descriptive or immediate word - for example, in your first line "the" could be "deep" or even "this" instead.  Often "the" can be eliminated completely,  improving the flow.

In a similar vein, it's not necessary to always use complete, grammatically correct sentences.  For example, you could eliminate  "a" and "an" in your first and second lines.  This can likewise improve the flow.

While many of your words could be changed to intensify or make them more striking (the first cat could "ascend" the bench... bad example  Tongue  ) the only one about which I have reservations is "rather."  "His regretful night" has so much more punch; true, this is a gentle, slightly sad work, but "rather" seems a bit supercilious where (as I read it) we are meant to be sympathetic rather than dismissive.

You could probably also do without some of the commas, but that will change as you edit and (probably) remove some words.  It's a quiet, amusing poem and there are many ways it could go - more personality in the man, or the cats, or even the city.  Or the night, for that matter.

Have fun with it!  It's a fun image.
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#3
The poem leaves me wanting more of the story. I don't see a clear point or emotion throughout. Was this intentional?
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#4
There is something really unclear about this piece, where is the end to it? I don't see an ending to it. Also you must expand on it.
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