Constellations - edit
#1
Constellations



Have you walked into a darkened room
of your house and been surprised
elated by its many tiny lights
all glowing blue or green, perhaps a few
in red or solar yellow?

Some are numbers - clocks - and some
flash like the infamous
twelve AM and please.set.time
but most are simple telltales
each confirming that its host
is drawing juice.

So coal burns, and gas, and nuclei
are split so you may see
your appliances are keeping time
your tech is charging
and your smoke alarm’s alert.

Are they worth it
all these winking stars of light?
Even if each spark drew life
from wind or water interrupted
in its rushing flight?

Well, some might say
those greater constellations up above
are wasted on us, too–
but still they shine.




original version;

Have you walked into a darkened room
of your house and been surprised
elated by its many tiny lights
all glowing blue or green, perhaps a few
in red or solar yellow?

Some are numbers - clocks - and some
flash like the infamous
twelve AM and PLEASE SET TIME
but most are simple telltales
each confirming that its host
is drawing juice.

So coal burns, and gas, and nuclei
are split so you may see
your appliances are keeping time
your tech is charging
and your smoke alarm’s alert.

Are they worth it
all these winking stars of light
even when their power comes
from wind or water interrupted
in its rushing flight?

Well, some might say
those greater constellations up above
are wasted on us, too–
but still they shine.

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#2
(06-15-2020, 04:29 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Constellations


Have you walked into a darkened room
of your house and been surprised
elated by its many tiny lights
all glowing blue or green, perhaps a few
in red or solar yellow?

Some are numbers - clocks - and some
flash like the infamous
twelve AM and PLEASE SET TIME
but most are simple telltales
each confirming that its host
is drawing juice.

So coal burns, and gas, and nuclei
are split so you may see
your appliances are keeping time
your tech is charging
and your smoke alarm’s alert.

Are they worth it (Put a question mark here.)
all these winking stars of light
even when their power comes
from wind or water interrupted
in its rushing flight?

Well, some might say
those greater constellations up above
are wasted on us, too–
but still they shine.
Beautiful! I love what you have written here! Love the imagery! Love the passion on this particular topic, I think it's fine, there isn't really to revise nor really edit except for the question mark you should have put there. Anyway thanks for sharing!
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#3
I haven't walked into my house and seen the constellations beaming down, but I have walked outside and felt them beaming down upon me, there, in the night sky, so close, you can almost touch them.
"It will be done, oh yes, it will be done."
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#4
(06-15-2020, 01:15 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  
(06-15-2020, 04:29 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Constellations


Have you walked into a darkened room
of your house and been surprised
elated by its many tiny lights
all glowing blue or green, perhaps a few
in red or solar yellow?

Some are numbers - clocks - and some
flash like the infamous
twelve AM and PLEASE SET TIME
but most are simple telltales
each confirming that its host
is drawing juice.

So coal burns, and gas, and nuclei
are split so you may see
your appliances are keeping time
your tech is charging
and your smoke alarm’s alert.

Are they worth it (Put a question mark here.)
all these winking stars of light
even when their power comes
from wind or water interrupted
in its rushing flight?

Well, some might say
those greater constellations up above
are wasted on us, too–
but still they shine.
Beautiful! I love what you have written here! Love the imagery! Love the passion on this particular topic, I think it's fine, there isn't really to revise nor really edit except for the question mark you should have put there. Anyway thanks for sharing!

Have to think about that edit (while mulling others).  A question mark there would make the rest of the stanza a sentence fragment; on the other hand, placing commas after both "it" and "light" would break my present practice of avoiding punctuation at line-ends in free verse (letting the natural pause do the work).

But if it's a problem, perhaps em dashes at the ends of both those lines would work; parentheses would make the second line too subordinate.

Have to think about it.  Other suggestions, anyone?
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#5
(06-15-2020, 04:29 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Constellations


Have you walked into a darkened room
of your house and been surprised
elated by its many tiny lights
all glowing blue or green, perhaps a few
in red or solar yellow?

Some are numbers - clocks - and some
flash like the infamous
twelve AM and PLEASE SET TIME (not a big fan of the capital letters here - I see what you are trying to do, but maybe try italics instead? Just feels jarring to the flow)
but most are simple telltales
each confirming that its host
is drawing juice.

So coal burns, and gas, and nuclei
are split so you may see
your appliances are keeping time
your tech is charging
and your smoke alarm’s alert.

Are they worth it (I agree with Jaggededge, you need a question mark here or on the next line)
all these winking stars of light
even when their power comes
from wind or water interrupted
in its rushing flight?

Well, some might say
those greater constellations up above
are wasted on us, too–
but still they shine. Great ending, beautiful

Overall I like this. Especially the final verse. Just a couple of edits, but really I wouldn’t change much. Nice poem.
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#6
edit1;

Have you walked into a darkened room
of your house and been surprised
elated by its many tiny lights
all glowing blue or green, perhaps a few
in red or solar yellow?

Some are numbers - clocks - and some
flash like the infamous
twelve AM and please.set.time
but most are simple telltales
each confirming that its host
is drawing juice.

So coal burns, and gas, and nuclei
are split so you may see
your appliances are keeping time
your tech is charging
and your smoke alarm’s alert.

Are they worth it
all these winking stars of light?
Even if each spark drew life
from wind or water interrupted
in its rushing flight?

Well, some might say
those greater constellations up above
are wasted on us, too–
but still they shine.


I bow to the critics on need for a question mark, and to avoid ALL CAPS.  A few minor changes near that question mark, also.

Thanks for the good critiques; glad it was otherwise appreciated.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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