The Arrival
#1
This is an old poem of mine that I dug up from three years ago. I know this needs some tweaking and re-writing but what did you think of it? Tear it apart please.

Candlelight fair upon far banks of glossy brown shores.
A beach of dark waters over I implore.
Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
A time I’ve seen some sweet porcelain hands.
 
You unravel to me as I am a charming bloke.
Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke.
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
Blissful hours with gold stars sheeting the night sky.
I am waiting patiently as I see you arrive.
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#2
Candlelight fair upon far banks of glossy brown shores.
A beach of dark waters over I implore.
Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
A time I’ve seen some sweet porcelain hands. Can you think of a more interesting descriptive word than “sweet”?. It’s odd and doesn’t fit with the image. Even “cold” would be better, and would tie in with the porcelain image.
 
You unravel to me as I am a charming bloke. This is quite awkwardly juxtaposed compared to verse 1 which has a lyrical feel to it. “Charming bloke” is wrong in so many ways. Try and come up with something more original and better fitting with the lyrical, dreamy lines in verse 1.
Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke. (Not actually sure what this even means? Had to bespoke? Do you mean hard? Very odd? I would remove it and try and come up with some more original descriptive imagery)
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
Blissful hours with gold stars sheeting the night sky.
I am waiting patiently as I see you arrive. This final

Verse fits better with verse 1 and continues in the more lyrical vain. I quite like the ending. Maybe come up with a better word simply “gold” to describe the stars? It brings to mind the gold stars children get given in school!
Overall there is potential here, but needs a fair bit of tweaking.
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#3
(06-14-2020, 03:07 AM)penneddown Wrote:  Candlelight fair upon far banks of glossy brown shores.
A beach of dark waters over I implore.
Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
A time I’ve seen some sweet porcelain hands. Can you think of a more interesting descriptive word than “sweet”?. It’s odd and doesn’t fit with the image. Even “cold” would be better, and would tie in with the porcelain image.
 
You unravel to me as I am a charming bloke. This is quite awkwardly juxtaposed compared to verse 1 which has a lyrical feel to it. “Charming bloke” is wrong in so many ways. Try and come up with something more original and better fitting with the lyrical, dreamy lines in verse 1.
Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke. (Not actually sure what this even means? Had to bespoke? Do you mean hard? Very odd? I would remove it and try and come up with some more original descriptive imagery)
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
Blissful hours with gold stars sheeting the night sky.
I am waiting patiently as I see you arrive. This final

Verse fits better with verse 1 and continues in the more lyrical vain. I quite like the ending. Maybe come up with a better word simply “gold” to describe the stars? It brings to mind the gold stars children get given in school!
Overall there is potential here, but needs a fair bit of tweaking.
Thanks Penneddown, and yes this poem will be revisited for tweaking and improving on, I thought there was something wrong with it. Thanks again.

(06-14-2020, 03:07 AM)penneddown Wrote:  Candlelight fair upon far banks of glossy brown shores.
A beach of dark waters over I implore.
Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
A time I’ve seen some sweet porcelain hands. Can you think of a more interesting descriptive word than “sweet”?. It’s odd and doesn’t fit with the image. Even “cold” would be better, and would tie in with the porcelain image.
 
You unravel to me as I am a charming bloke. This is quite awkwardly juxtaposed compared to verse 1 which has a lyrical feel to it. “Charming bloke” is wrong in so many ways. Try and come up with something more original and better fitting with the lyrical, dreamy lines in verse 1.
Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke. (Not actually sure what this even means? Had to bespoke? Do you mean hard? Very odd? I would remove it and try and come up with some more original descriptive imagery)
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
Blissful hours with gold stars sheeting the night sky.
I am waiting patiently as I see you arrive. This final

Verse fits better with verse 1 and continues in the more lyrical vain. I quite like the ending. Maybe come up with a better word simply “gold” to describe the stars? It brings to mind the gold stars children get given in school!
Overall there is potential here, but needs a fair bit of tweaking.

What do you think now? I made some changes to it, I just want to see how it is now before I revisit this again for further revising.

Candlelight fair upon banks of brown shores.
A beach of dark blue waters over I implore.
The waves hug the shore with such beauty.
Reminds me of you, to remember you is my duty.
 
Come to me with a great step dear woman!
I will fight for you like any true Italian roman.
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t unfurl in the night which then carried.
Blissful hours by celestial stars sheeting dark skies.
Prolonging to be patient as I see you arrive.
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#4
It has a touch of the alchemy about it, however the evasiveness of the narrator's identity leaves one with little to latch on to for fear of mis-grabment.


This is insufficient critique for this forum.  Please read the guidelines for each forum before posting in that forum.  

-Quix/admin
"It will be done, oh yes, it will be done."
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#5
(06-15-2020, 04:23 PM)Mayfair Wrote:  It has a touch of the alchemy about it, however the evasiveness of the narrator's identity leaves one with little to latch on to for fear of mis-grabment.


This is insufficient critique for this forum.  Please read the guidelines for each forum before posting in that forum.  

-Quix/admin
Thanks Mayfair! Even though you have made an insufficient post, I will take note of what you said.
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#6
(06-13-2020, 09:33 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  This is an old poem of mine that I dug up from three years ago. I know this needs some tweaking and re-writing but what did you think of it? Tear it apart please.

Candlelight fair upon far banks of glossy brown shores.
A beach of dark waters over I implore.
Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
A time I’ve seen some sweet porcelain hands.
 
You unravel to me as I am a charming bloke.
Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke.
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
Blissful hours with gold stars sheeting the night sky.
I am waiting patiently as I see you arrive.

the rhyming in this poem feels a bit forced, and I feel like it doesn't really add much for the poem. You should try working on punctuation and flow in general in this poem. I feel like the flow feels very forced in some lines. I also feel like what is going on isn't very clear. I believe this poem is about a man who has been sailing for a long time coming home and seeing his lover for the first time, but I'm not positive. I would try to make more clear what exactly is going on. Try to be descriptive, while not getting fixated on the imagery of the situation. Though, the imagery is really powerful in some lines, but in others, I get kinda lost in what exactly you're even trying to describe. I would go back and edit lines like:

Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
you say caramel and brown in the same line, it feels like you're describing the same thing twice. You also say the shores are brown in your first line. I feel like repeating this 3 times really isn't necessary. I think its cool that you say the coast hugs the sand. Shoutout to that!

Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke.
I get that you're trying to describe why she has fallen for the man, but I don't really know what you mean by and had to bespoke.

Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.

these lines really weren't very strong. I feel like you're trying to be overly poetic here, and these lines really don't feel like they're doing much. Try to shorten this into one line and work on what you're doing with the imagery here.

You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
This line doesn't really add much for the poem. I'm not even entirely sure what you're trying to say here.
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#7
(06-25-2020, 08:09 AM)Introspector Wrote:  
(06-13-2020, 09:33 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  This is an old poem of mine that I dug up from three years ago. I know this needs some tweaking and re-writing but what did you think of it? Tear it apart please.

Candlelight fair upon far banks of glossy brown shores.
A beach of dark waters over I implore.
Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
A time I’ve seen some sweet porcelain hands.
 
You unravel to me as I am a charming bloke.
Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke.
Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.
 
An hour of which I wait for you by a wherry.
You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
Blissful hours with gold stars sheeting the night sky.
I am waiting patiently as I see you arrive.

the rhyming in this poem feels a bit forced, and I feel like it doesn't really add much for the poem. You should try working on punctuation and flow in general in this poem. I feel like the flow feels very forced in some lines. I also feel like what is going on isn't very clear. I believe this poem is about a man who has been sailing for a long time coming home and seeing his lover for the first time, but I'm not positive. I would try to make more clear what exactly is going on. Try to be descriptive, while not getting fixated on the imagery of the situation. Though, the imagery is really powerful in some lines, but in others, I get kinda lost in what exactly you're even trying to describe. I would go back and edit lines like:

Coastal edges hugging drenched caramel brown sands.
you say caramel and brown in the same line, it feels like you're describing the same thing twice. You also say the shores are brown in your first line. I feel like repeating this 3 times really isn't necessary. I think its cool that you say the coast hugs the sand. Shoutout to that!

Spry, brave, handsome, and had to bespoke.
I get that you're trying to describe why she has fallen for the man, but I don't really know what you mean by and had to bespoke.

Garments banded which were not simply a suit.
The time I sported white tunics, leather boots.

these lines really weren't very strong. I feel like you're trying to be overly poetic here, and these lines really don't feel like they're doing much. Try to shorten this into one line and work on what you're doing with the imagery here.

You didn’t seem to reveal in the night that carried.
This line doesn't really add much for the poem. I'm not even entirely sure what you're trying to say here.
Thanks Introspector, I will sure I take note of your critique, I will re-visit this piece.
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