Begin not the Beguine
#1
Begin not the Beguine

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem
about the minutia of my life
it’s all been better said before
in monotones of black and white.
Writing in tomes of reminiscence
where there’s no room for gray
and only Hemingway sharp edges
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise things then
most surely would be tossed about
making it seem so uncertain
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that for uncertainty
is now the greatest sin
and always padded for our safety
the Beguine cannot begin.
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique
under pretense of sweaty sex
though really it’s the dance they seek!
Listen, and I’ll tell you true
for surely it’s a mortal sin
they take your freedom from you so
the Beguine will not begin.


©2020 revised erthona
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#2
(06-05-2020, 04:32 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Begin not the Beguine

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem
about the minutia of my life
it’s all been better said before
in monotones of black and white.
Writing in tomes of reminiscence
where there’s no room for gray
and only Hemingway sharp edges
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise things then
most surely would be tossed about
making it seem so uncertain
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that for uncertainty
is now the greatest sin
and always padded for our safety
the Beguine cannot begin.
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique
under pretense of sweaty sex
though really it’s the dance they seek!
Listen, and I’ll tell you true
for surely it’s a mortal sin
they take your freedom from you so
the Beguine will not begin.


©2020 revised erthona
Let me take the time to give my thoughts for this presentation.

What is Martinique? It seems to be in French? Is that a place? (I am learning french but when I was young used to learn it in a country where French is the official language) also this seems to be a soliloquy of sorts, though it feels inconsistent though, you say it's black and white but I am not sure where this is going and although I find that there is something about it I like I find that the French words are not making sense in the poem. That is my two cents. Thanks for sharing.
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#3
Hey Dale. I need a little more time with this as I know I still have much to digest after the first sitting. For now, I think the poem would benefit from some strategic punctuation and maybe white space. I know those are writer's choices, but I think there are spots where the reader could be helped along. See below...

(06-05-2020, 04:32 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Begin not the Beguine

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem love the conversational tone. "Yes," is a strong start 
about the minutia of my life (semi-colon, em dash or space feels needed. A comma even)
it’s all been better said before
in monotones of black and white. after "white" seems a good time for white space before the next line
Writing in tomes of reminiscence
where there’s no room for gray
and only Hemingway sharp edges did you mean Hemingway's here? Otherwise I'm reading it as Hemingway-sharp
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise things then these next 3 lines are tricky to read. A few commas might slow it down
most surely would be tossed about
making it seem so uncertain
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that for uncertainty again, I think a comma after "that" would help the reader
is now the greatest sin
and always padded for our safety
the Beguine cannot begin.
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique
under pretense of sweaty sex
though really it’s the dance they seek!
Listen, and I’ll tell you true
for surely it’s a mortal sin
they take your freedom from you so
the Beguine will not begin.


©2020 revised erthona

Sorry for not commenting on the subject matter. Like I said, I haven't quite digested it yet. I especially like the half rhymes and the rhymes mid-line. Just my first impression was that it could almost be broken into quatrains. There is enough here to enjoy in small bites. I know it's in MISC but I wanted to offer a reader's crit, more than a writer's crit.
Thanks for the read, Dale
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#4
JaggedEdge,

Thanks for the red and comments. Sorry to take so long to respond.

Martinique ... is an island which is an overseas territorial collectivity of France, located in the Lesser Antilles of the West Indies in the eastern Caribbean Sea.

Beguine: a dance in bolero rhythm that originated in Martinique. (Dictionary.com)

I was unaware of any French words per se, "Beguine" is the name of a particular dance and Martinique is the name of an island. As far as I am aware neither means anything in French anymore than words such as "New York" or "disco" have any other meaning than names of things.

Black and white was meant facetiously.

best,

dale

Paul,

Thanks for the crit.

"Hemingway sharp edges" is not possessive, but Hemingwaysque. Mainly referring such inherent qualities as short, terse sentences and rigid philosophy.

Yes I agree, it might could use dome breakup, although I am not a big white space kinda guy: I will keep under advisement for future.

Generally I assume a line break as a pause and so I would rarely use commas at the end of a line, plus I wanted it to read more quickly, almost a rushing to get to the end as this seem to better describe the rush and passion of both dancing and freedom.

Thanks again, I always enjoy your critiques.

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#5
Glad this resurfaced. Quite nice, suitably sad. The lapping rhyme scheme fits the topic well.

Just read that, contrary to what one would expect with the lockdowns and all, birth rates are crashing. Apparently safety-paralysis, or just funk, has made the old rhumba succumb.

Who knew people would actually take safety seriously? Disappointing.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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