Slow Motion: A Sequence
#1
My bedroom is a quiet, dirty place.
I see a maid moving slowly through my eyes.
Everything is in slow motion.
I see she is cleaning up my bedroom with her
ugly anime eyes dressed in some maid-outfit.
Everything is in slow motion.
When I am alone all I can hear is this sound
of people having sex. They are pounding the wall
with their kneecaps and moans can be heard.
Everything is in slow motion.
When I am alone all I can do is sleep, watch TV.
And eat something healthy when my body wants nutrients.
Everything is in slow motion.
Do you see something? I hear the sound of the TV.
Flicking blue light bouncing across my eyes.
Do you hear that?
I hear the sound of porn being played in the other room.
Everything is in slow motion.
I get up and the rain starts to pour out from outside.
Iridescent rain-water dribbles from the clouds.
Everything is in slow motion.
Just wait when I get outside from this lockdown.
Since everything is in slow motion.
Do you see something? I see the sparrows flocking
to my window sill and things are insipid 
when the next day arrives.
Everything is in slow motion.
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#2
.
Hi Jagged,
overall I think it is too repetitive and list-like. You can hear 'people having sex' and, later 'the sound of porn' - what's the difference?
You 'watch TV' hear 'the sound of the TV', a maid (in a 'maid-outfit') is moving 'slowly' while 'everything is in slow motion'.
It feels like the same idea is being repeated throughout. I don't think a piece about ennui (which this seems to be) can afford to be
quite as listless as the N of the poem


I thought this was interesting, and had potential


My bedroom is a quiet, dirty place.
alone I hear this sound
of people having sex pounding
on the wall Everything
is in slow motion.

a maid with ugly anime eyes
(what is she doing?)



Best, Knot



.
Reply
#3
(05-26-2020, 12:27 AM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi Jagged,
overall I think it is too repetitive and list-like. You can hear 'people having sex' and, later 'the sound of porn' - what's the difference?
You 'watch TV' hear 'the sound of the TV', a maid (in a 'maid-outfit') is moving 'slowly' while 'everything is in slow motion'.
It feels like the same idea is being repeated throughout. I don't think a piece about ennui (which this seems to be) can afford to be
quite as listless as the N of the poem


I thought this was interesting, and had potential


My bedroom is a quiet, dirty place.
alone I hear this sound
of people having sex pounding
on the wall Everything
is in slow motion.

a maid with ugly anime eyes
(what is she doing?)



Best, Knot



.
So what should I do? You mentioned the line about "people having sex" and "the sound of porn?" should I replace them with some other line? Also is the repetitiveness a bad thing? Should I make it less repetitive? What's wrong with it being list-like?
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