Where I’m from
#1
I decided to try rewording Where I’m from by George Ella Lyon, the original can be found here http://www.smithsonianeducation.org/educ...a_lyon.pdf 


I’m from the lighthouse,
From paraffin, and salty air.
I’m from the patter of the tenements,
(a generation removed,
It overwhelmed my senses).
I’m from the sidecar.
The tethered freedom,
Whose renown was traded for my peers.
As if that alone was our uniqueness!!

I’m from Sunday roasts and rebellion,
From old friends and new beginnings.
I’m from tea-time drinks,
And late-night listening.
From own up and are you happy?
I’m from the book of family,
With a humble plate of plenty,
And an altar I can call my own.

I’m from the Askew and the MacLeod clan,
From mackerel and rogan josh.
From the battery Dad used to fix his clippers,
And GG’s mystic tea leaves.
I’m from the living room wall.
Across the cabinet,
New generations are added.
A gallery of happy rogues.
I’m from all of this and more.
Rooted in family,
I cultivated an independent branch.
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#2
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Hi Emac,
lots to like here, the third stanza in particular, and the excellent end line.
I don't find the second stanza that interesting, it feels rather generic (Sunday roasts, old friends, late-night listening) - nothing the seemed specific to the author. Dig a bit deeper Smile
The first stanza starts well (but I found it a bit confusing from line 5 onward) and it doesn't need the exclamation marks.


A couple of thoughts ...


I’m from the lighthouse,
From salt air and paraffin.
I’m from the patter of tenements,
(one generation removed,
...


Possibly my favourite part - particularly tying Yorkshire (Askew) to rogan josh (though is there something you could add to Askew to pair with clan?)
This level of detail is what's missing in S2,


I’m from the Askew and the Macleod clan,
mackerel and rogan josh.
(If you're following the original, no From in this line)
From the battery Dad used to fix his clippers,
And GG’s mystic tea leaves.
(It gets a little weaker after this, until the solid ending)
...


Best, Knot


.
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#3
I like this! First stanza is the strongest, and parts of the third.
I feel some of the imagery in the second and third stanza's is a little generic.

I’m from Sunday roasts and rebellion,
From old friends and new beginnings.
I’m from tea-time drinks,
And late-night listening.

This is a little cliched - could you find some more original, specific imagery - similar to in paragraph 1?

I’m from the lighthouse,
From paraffin, and salty air.
I’m from the patter of the tenements,
(a generation removed,
It overwhelmed my senses).

I really liked this. Your voice can be clearly heard.

Personally I would remove this line in the last stanza - A gallery of happy rogues. Its a little descriptive, I feel it would be stronger without it.

Keep up the good work.

BW

Sarah
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#4
(05-24-2020, 01:05 AM)Emacskye Wrote:  I decided to try rewording Where I’m from by George Ella Lyon, the original can be found here http://www.smithsonianeducation.org/educ...a_lyon.pdf 


I’m from the lighthouse,
From paraffin, and salty air.
I’m from the patter of the tenements,
(a generation removed,
It overwhelmed my senses).
I’m from the sidecar.
The tethered freedom,
Whose renown was traded for my peers.
As if that alone was our uniqueness!! (Interesting lines! I like the imagery!)

I’m from Sunday roasts and rebellion,
From old friends and new beginnings.
I’m from tea-time drinks,
And late-night listening.
From own up and are you happy?
I’m from the book of family,
With a humble plate of plenty,
And an altar I can call my own. (Interesting but the first three lines are boring to me)

I’m from the Askew and the MacLeod clan,
From mackerel and rogan josh.
From the battery Dad used to fix his clippers,
And GG’s mystic tea leaves.
I’m from the living room wall.
Across the cabinet,
New generations are added.
A gallery of happy rogues. (What do you mean by rogues?)
I’m from all of this and more.
Rooted in family,
I cultivated an independent branch.
Overall I found this poem to be fascinating but it's a little cliché in parts and there is a sense of fulfillment in this piece, thanks for sharing.
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