What's the Point of Puddles?
#1
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v2
What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been
do you think, since you've sploshed?
And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But, given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not side-stepped with excuses
around the edge of it.

Maybe you've forgotten how
to measure out your sprint,
or blast-off from a standing start,
or quite how good it felt

to feel yourself begin to fly
despite that cumulus of doubt
scudding cross your cloudless sky
a fleeting, faint heart, thought

that, perhaps, this was the one
with all those threats of hidden depths
and you're a Doctor Foster falling
to the antonym of zenith.

But you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap,
standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back.

Proofed against all disapproval
from a wet-tyre traffic hiss
what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?




___________________

What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,
do you think, since you sploshed?
Not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?

Maybe you have forgotten
how to measure out your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart
the earth? You're a child
being born, inexorably rising
past the point of no return.

Do you recall approaching apogee
when a cumulus of doubt
would scud across your sky
a fleeting faint-heart thought

that, perhaps, this was the one?
It had the threat of hidden depths.
That you're a Doctor Foster, falling
toward the antonym of zenith.

But you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back?

Proofed against all disapproval
from the wet-tyre traffic hiss
what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?


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#2
(05-21-2020, 10:06 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,

do you think, since you sploshed?
Not some accidental ankling (What do you mean by ankling? Also is this even a word?)
whilst running for the bus.

But given it both wellies,

decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?

Maybe you have forgotten

how to measure out your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart
the earth? You're a child
being born, inexorably rising
past the point of no return.

Do you recall approaching apogee (Had to google apogee, interesting word,)

when a cumulus of doubt
would scud across your sky
a fleeting faint-heart thought

that, perhaps, this was the one?

It had the threat of hidden depths.
That you're a Doctor Foster, falling
toward the antonym of zenith.

But
you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back?

Proofed against all disapproval

from the wet-tyre traffic hiss
what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?




.
Interesting poem, it seems to be about puddles (judging from the title) I like it, also you have some interesting imagery in here, I think you should revise it a little more.

This is the mild to moderate critique forum, not basic.  If you are going to offer critique in this forum, it needs to be more in-depth.  Please review the guidelines for each forum before posting in that forum.  Thank you! 
-Quix/admin
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#3
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Hi Jagged.

(05-22-2020, 05:34 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  it seems to be about puddles

More a 'seize the day' piece (hopefully).

(05-22-2020, 05:34 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  ankling? Also is this even a word?)
No, I made it up, Smile
in the context it means 'to be up to one's ankles in something (like a puddle)'


Thanks for the read.


Best, Knot


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#4
I'm not sure what the poet was thinking and/or feeling when he/she wore this but this poem has a whimsy to it that I really enjoy. It reminds me of childhood wonder. A reminder to enjoy life and stop to "splash" because life is fleeting.

Hello, Marcolynn, welcome to the Pigpen!  Thank you for leaving feedback.  Please note that our different forums require different levels of feedback. This is the mild to moderate critique forum.  If you are going to offer critique in this forum, it needs to be more in-depth next time.  Thank you! 

-Quix/admin
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#5
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Hi Marco,
thanks for the read.
This poet was thinking about trying to write
(05-23-2020, 01:08 PM)MarcoLynn Wrote:  A reminder to enjoy life and stop to "splash" because life is fleeting.
Smile

Best, Knot


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Reply
#6
(05-21-2020, 10:06 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,
do you think, since you sploshed?
Not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?

Maybe you have forgotten
how to measure out your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart
the earth? You're a child
being born, inexorably rising
past the point of no return.

Do you recall approaching apogee
when a cumulus of doubt
would scud across your sky
a fleeting faint-heart thought

that, perhaps, this was the one?
It had the threat of hidden depths.
That you're a Doctor Foster, falling
toward the antonym of zenith.

But
you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back?

Proofed against all disapproval
from the wet-tyre traffic hiss
what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?


Really like this poem - well done on such an interesting concept, well executed. 
Proofed against all disapproval

from the wet-tyre traffic hiss

– what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?

I think this ending is brilliant. Very thought provoking.

I like the metaphor of needing to sometimes just take the plunge into the unknown, or try something new. Or maybe get back into something again.

Not sure about 

You're a child

being born, inexorably rising
past the point of no return.

I feel it’s a bit over descriptive and clumsy. I would remove it or change it.


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#7
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Hi penned,
thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.
You're right about the born/no return verse: I can't find a way to rescue it so have just removed it.


Best, Knot



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#8
So, I would like to say that I enjoyed the overall tone of the piece (v2). The first thing that does come to mind mid-reading of it, is that perhaps I too have not puddle stomped in far too long. Something that I fully intend on correcting, given the appropriate weather makes itself available. 

Stanza 1, 2, and 3 for me present a clear image. Many a word has been tried to be created by the poet of ages. Most have not stuck, but many have been thrown. That being said, from lack of experience in matters of judging words without yet meaning, I would say that I didn't need Webster's help with this one. I would assume that is a good sign that ankling into the waters of word creation might have been somewhat safe this time. 


Perhaps we would remove the comma in S2L3 - “not side-stepped, with excuses,” as the line feel too broken up.


Now, in stanza 4, I am brought up to the clouds in line of the poem 2 and then dragged down to scuttling in L3, which I would love if it were not for the fact that for some reason I am 'scuttling cross a cloudless blue'. The overall sense of being lost in this stanza despite knowing exactly what you intended. What I am trying to say is that the thought presented in S4 is not a complete sentence. The flowing would be a complete thought:

You feel yourself begin to fly, despite that moment of doubt crossing your mind, a fleeting faintheart thought. 

However, your cloudless blue is an abstract thing and in the context of the poem and for the reader is not well-grounded. This leads to an issue in line 4 of the stanza: where it feels like words just hanging there. Also, faint-heart does not make sense, fainthearted? Also do not forget the elision of across to 'cross. 


Stanza 6. plashing is an amazing word, and we must find a way to work it into the meter, without—however child like-sounding making up a third word. I fear there is little hope for three new words to survive the ages. I both enjoy this stanza and have it let me down just a bit at the end with its overly action carrying descriptiveness. If you could dial back the last line a little bit on the movement it might help, at least for me. 


Stanza 7. why the hyphen between wet and tyre?




Again enjoyed it very much and thanks for posting.
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#9
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Hi Jp,
thanks for the read, and the detailed crit. Much appreciated.
I salute you intention to puddle stomp. Shame on you for not having done so in far too long Smile

I only invented one word. Ankling, which as you seem to suggest, is comprehensible through its context.
I fear that you've misread scudding and all the rest are in the dictionary (I've just (re)checked Smile )

No problems about removing the comma (S2L3).

Would 'cloudless sky' be less abstract? (S4L3)
(there was/is a rhyming issue, but I think I'm ok with that.)
It should have been 'faint heart' (S4L4), mea culpa.
(I was trying to reference 'faint heart never won fair lady')

(S7/L4), hyphen, UK usage for compound adjective.


I both enjoy this stanza and have it let me down just a bit at the end with its overly action carrying descriptiveness
And is there a solution this conundrum? Smile


Best, Knot


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Reply
#10
(05-27-2020, 03:19 AM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi Jp,
thanks for the read, and the detailed crit. Much appreciated. You're welcome.
I salute you intention to puddle stomp. Shame on you for not having done so in far too long Smile

I only invented one word. Ankling, which as you seem to suggest, is comprehensible through its context.  It is comprehensible. Sorry, I was nitpicking the tense and the reference that is out of tense
I fear that you've misread scudding and all the rest are in the dictionary (I've just (re)checked Smile ) Ah yes, so I did. Too bad I really wanted that to be where you were going. Oh well, it makes much more sense now. 

No problems about removing the comma (S2L3).

Would 'cloudless sky' be less abstract? (S4L3) Since I stumbled on the first read, or something sounding like it, I do realize that a simple 'sky' helps clarify things. 
(there was/is a rhyming issue, but I think I'm ok with that.) Despite knowing it's a reference, and now understanding the reference I cannot bring the brain to see it. It is a matter of reference points, there is nothing other than two words to lead me to this conclusion. Rather much like the evolution of easter eggs in the gaming industry. Once these had to be actual things from other games well hidden within the new game to be considered such, and nowadays pretty much anything with no context and bearing to what came before is accepted as such.
(I was trying to reference 'faint heart never won fair lady')

(S7/L4), hyphen, UK usage for compound adjective. I assumed it had to do with that, but was not sure. 


I both enjoy this stanza and have it let me down just a bit at the end with its overly action carrying descriptiveness
And is there a solution this conundrum? Smile To the 'stamping flat-foot slap? Standing, plashingly triumphant, swashing waters swooshing' issue, most likely i'd go lighter on them in a re-write  tongueincheek .



Best, Knot


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