Nature
#1
Nature

I take my friend to see the field of flowers,
Because I love her.
My sad friend, her life lacking pleasure.
In nature our stories become small and the sky becomes large.
Her body, too broken to dance with another human,
Now bends gracefully to caress a yellow blossom.
This is how she loves.
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#2
(05-12-2020, 03:00 PM)ComposerMike Wrote:  Nature

I take my friend to see the field of flowers,
Because I love her.
My sad friend, her life lacking pleasure.
In nature our stories become small and the sky becomes large.
Her body, too broken to dance with another human,
Now bends gracefully to caress a yellow blossom.
This is how she loves.
Interesting, I love the rhyming of her and pleasure but you lose that with the rest of the lines, why? You should continue it, also I love the descriptive language in your poem, perhaps you should get rid of caress and change that to palpate instead. That may work. Anyway thank you for sharing.
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#3
I certainly like the mental image this piece conjures up. A very beautiful thought indeed.
It's always amazed me how beautiful most people are when they are in a "loving" moment, whether that be watching a sunset or caressing a yellow blossom....
Very nice job on this write
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#4
Love the title of the this poem, I went to expecting one thing and came out with the title reflecting the nature of love. Thanks for the read. I would agree that would could try and play around with wording and rhymes, though it is not needed it could take a different tone.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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#5
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. One bit of feedback I've gotten in several places is to be more clear about the back story. How I met this friend, why I love her, etc. I'm just thinking out loud. Thanks, again.
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#6
I liked reading this. I don’t think you need to go about explaining how or why you love your friend. In fact, I already feel you maybe explain a bit much. Personally I think you could remove “because I love her”. You don’t need to tell us that you love her, you can show us through the imagery in your poem. Which you already do to an extent, but I think you could push this further.
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