Sincerity (NaNoPo)
#1
Dare I
Fall in love with
The nature of all things where
The woods keep me warm and quite sheltered
With sincerity.
Reply
#2
(04-21-2020, 10:38 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Dare I
Fall in love with
The nature of all things where
The woods keep me warm and quite sheltered
With sincerity.

I really like the mood you're setting here with this poem. It's really serene and calming, and it gets straight to the point which is really hard to do.

The use of quite in the second last line feels like it's bloating the poem a bit, and reducing the weight of sheltered. I'd just remove it and let the line stand as is.

I also find the beginning a little choppy, in that the first three lines don't quite flow together the way they're currently broken up. I'd turn them into two lines instead, breaking at love/with and things/where. This might be intentional but if it is I feel it undermines the imagery you're going for of calmness and being at peace.

Definitely on the way here
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#3
(04-24-2020, 04:54 PM)Put_Matt Wrote:  
(04-21-2020, 10:38 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Dare I
Fall in love with
The nature of all things where
The woods keep me warm and quite sheltered
With sincerity.

I really like the mood you're setting here with this poem. It's really serene and calming, and it gets straight to the point which is really hard to do.

The use of quite in the second last line feels like it's bloating the poem a bit, and reducing the weight of sheltered. I'd just remove it and let the line stand as is.

I also find the beginning a little choppy, in that the first three lines don't quite flow together the way they're currently broken up. I'd turn them into two lines instead, breaking at love/with and things/where. This might be intentional but if it is I feel it undermines the imagery you're going for of calmness and being at peace.

Definitely on the way here
It's supposed to be a cinquain, I can't change it as that would ruin the form, I have a question, could you critique my poem Mistress of the Dark? Thank you!
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#4
(04-24-2020, 04:54 PM)Put_Matt Wrote:  
(04-21-2020, 10:38 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Dare I
Fall in love with
The nature of all things where
The woods keep me warm and quite sheltered
With sincerity.

I really like the mood you're setting here with this poem. It's really serene and calming, and it gets straight to the point which is really hard to do.

The use of quite in the second last line feels like it's bloating the poem a bit, and reducing the weight of sheltered. I'd just remove it and let the line stand as is.

I also find the beginning a little choppy, in that the first three lines don't quite flow together the way they're currently broken up. I'd turn them into two lines instead, breaking at love/with and things/where. This might be intentional but if it is I feel it undermines the imagery you're going for of calmness and being at peace.

Definitely on the way here
How's this? Does this work?

Dare I fall in love with the
nature of all things where
the woods keep me warm
and sheltered with sincerity?
Reply
#5
(04-21-2020, 10:38 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Dare I
Fall in love with
The nature of all things where
The woods keep me warm and quite sheltered
With sincerity.
Well this is one noobie's opinion. Great topic and mood and feeling. I'm noticing that you have several subordinate clauses. Perhaps you could break the lines like this

Dare I fall in love with
The nature of all things where
The woods keep me warm and
sheltered with
sincerity.

Maybe this is horrible, we'll have to get an experienced opinion on this one.
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