Mist Encounters
#1
Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.
Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.

I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.

EDIT: Thank you for the thoughtful comments and suggestions! Draft 2 is below. I have partially abandoned the formal iambic hexameter structure. Let me know which version you prefer. Thanks! 

Mist Encounters - Second Draft

Another misty morning
Blends to afternoon
Until a haunting figure
Finds me in the gloom.
Too shy to step much closer
Or to step away
I'm frozen in decision
Still enough to pray

For inner turmoil vanquished
Act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile
Through mist, a wink
Of comprehension
Parted lives can be rejoined
And solitude upended
Put to rest a mind

Of missed intentions
Actions cleaved from thoughts
Unread designs, unopened notes
Instead: unwrought. 
My smile a beat too tardy
Glance remains unseen
Fragile attempts stay undercover
Fight dissolves to dream.

I blinked and it was over
I couldn't make you stay
The space you filled now empty
Fear has won the day.
My heart's a figure lighter
Hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread
Of mist: unrest.
Reply
#2
Hi mlea Smile I enjoyed your poem.  You did a great job using very vivid imagery.  I can tell you write a lot Smile  

Here's my critique (which is in blue).

Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.

"Maybe it was you" sounds a bit rhymey.  I think rewording it would tighten your poem up a bit and help with the flow.

Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray

I think making "I'm frozen" and "In decision" one sentence would help with the flow of the poem.

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.

In the stanza above you start changing up your flow.  In all the other stanzas, your rhyming line one and line two and in the above stanza, lines 1 and 3 rhyme and lines 2 and 4 rhyme.  I think reworking this to create a consistent rhyming pattern throughout would help with the flow of the poem.

I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.

I loved those lines! Smile 

*I like to add with my critiques that poetry is a work of art and just because I  (or whoever) makes a suggestion, you as the artist should go with your own artistic vision of how you want your poem to be.  I only add that because I've belonged to other writing forums where some members feel conflicted about changing their work because others say so.  Don't do that: Follow your own vision and only use the critique if *you* feel the critique works better in your poem.  I'm off my soap box now  Tongue
Reply
#3
Hi mlea, am new here, so please take this with a pinch of salt or given the shelter-in-place order, a sip of wine. Smile


Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.
Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray

- love this. perhaps you mean, 'indecision'.

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

- maybe joined (instead of adhered)

of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.

- love it. i don't get 'fight dissolves to dream'. what is the meaning here?


I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.

- this is super ending. of mist - unrest.

overall, i like the fragmentation and sweet and sometimes, emphatic, chop.
Reply
#4
I really enjoyed this poem, the imagery is lovely. And the last stanza is just perfection, but something was odd about the second stanza. And I didn't realize the problem until I started counting syllables (using my fingers mind you, so this can be wrong) and realized that this line:

of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered

is the only line in the poem that has 13 syllables.

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. "Parted" lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

I don't know if you meant to work in 12 syllable lines only, but I think reworking this line would make the poem better.
Keep writing, especially during these times.
Reply
#5
Thank you Unpolished and everyone who has given me feedback so far! I really appreciate it and am working on a second draft. The poem is meant to be in iambic hexameter, so 13 syllables instead of 12 is a big deal to me! I was reading "separate" as 2 syllables, but it is good to know that it can also be read as three. 

(04-07-2020, 09:27 AM)unpolished Wrote:  I really enjoyed this poem, the imagery is lovely. And the last stanza is just perfection, but something was odd about the second stanza. And I didn't realize the problem until I started counting syllables (using my fingers mind you, so this can be wrong) and realized that this line:

of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered

is the only line in the poem that has 13 syllables.

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. "Parted" lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

I don't know if you meant to work in 12 syllable lines only, but I think reworking this line would make the poem better.
Keep writing, especially during these times.
Reply
#6
Hello mlea-

Interesting piece, mysterious...

I am a big fan of syllabic poems, and yours has pretty natural end rhymes, to boot. Most of the line breaks work well, too.

Perhaps "a friendship missed..." in the last line, and something to replace "Of mist - unrest".

Cool beans,
... Mark
Reply
#7
I enjoyed the unique rhythm and rhyme combo with this and applaud you for playing with meter so well. I've got a couple thoughts below for your consideration - or not. After all, it's your poem. Wink 

Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.
Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray

I like how fluttery this rhyme is. It makes me feel sort of nostalgic and blue at the same time. If that makes sense. As someone else mentioned, I also think "I'm frozen in decision" works better.

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.

I know someone mentioned not getting the last line of this stanza. I think I do and wouldn't want you to cut it unless your mind was set. I'm getting that the inner fight fades away into acceptance of loss that becomes only a memory or dream.

I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.

Great ending. Love the title and the way it's integrated into the poem. Well done.
Reply
#8
(03-31-2020, 06:53 AM)mlea Wrote:  Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.
Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray

for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years

of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.

I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.
Though this feels a little rhymey, it's feels a little too much, is this a ballad? Also I think for the last stanza second line you should say, "Morning transitioned to day" instead of the latter. Happy Writing.
Reply
#9
You can edit your original post to include the new version so people clicking know to critique the new.version, they may not see the comments. I think I said that right.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Reply
#10
(11-08-2020, 03:23 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  You can edit your original post to include the new version so people clicking know to critique the new.version, they may not see the comments.  I think I said that right.

Thank you! I think I have managed to do so now!
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!