When Winds are High
#1
When Winds are High

When winds are high and clouds are low
we do not venture from our base.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and seethes that it must simmer slow
and dare not touch a human face.
When winds are high and clouds are low

a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and bides its time. And we don't know
with what the gloominess is laced
when winds are high and clouds are low.

So look to spy a coloured bow
however darkened is the case.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and so should we. And boldly go
Nowhere. Not now. Shelter in place
when winds are high and clouds are low
and sun assumes a muted glow.
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#2
(03-27-2020, 09:19 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  When Winds are High

When winds are high and clouds are low
we do not venture from our base.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and seethes that it must simmer slow
and dare not touch a human face.
When winds are high and clouds are low

a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and bides its time. And we don't know
with what the gloominess is laced
when winds are high and clouds are low.

So look to spy a coloured bow
however darkened is the case.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and so should we. And boldly go
Nowhere. Not now. Shelter in place
when winds are high and clouds are low
and sun assumes a muted glow.

Enjoyed this very much. Elegant use of the form, and good choice of it.

(03-27-2020, 09:19 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  When Winds are High

When winds are high and clouds are low
we do not venture from our base.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and seethes that it must simmer slow
and dare not touch a human face.
When winds are high and clouds are low

a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and bides its time. And we don't know
with what the gloominess is laced
when winds are high and clouds are low.

So look to spy a coloured bow
however darkened is the case.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and so should we. And boldly go
Nowhere. Not now. Shelter in place
when winds are high and clouds are low
and sun assumes a muted glow.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(03-28-2020, 06:47 AM)dukealien Wrote:  
(03-27-2020, 09:19 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  When Winds are High

When winds are high and clouds are low
we do not venture from our base.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and seethes that it must simmer slow
and dare not touch a human face.
When winds are high and clouds are low

a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and bides its time. And we don't know
with what the gloominess is laced
when winds are high and clouds are low.

So look to spy a coloured bow
however darkened is the case.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and so should we. And boldly go
Nowhere. Not now. Shelter in place
when winds are high and clouds are low
and sun assumes a muted glow.

Enjoyed this very much.  Elegant use of the form, and good choice of it.

(03-27-2020, 09:19 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  When Winds are High

When winds are high and clouds are low
we do not venture from our base.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and seethes that it must simmer slow
and dare not touch a human face.
When winds are high and clouds are low

a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and bides its time. And we don't know
with what the gloominess is laced
when winds are high and clouds are low.

So look to spy a coloured bow
however darkened is the case.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and so should we. And boldly go
Nowhere. Not now. Shelter in place
when winds are high and clouds are low
and sun assumes a muted glow.

Thanks Duke. The meter and "natural flow" falls apart in the final tercet, but the awkwardness seemed appropriate to the subject matter. 
Appreciate the read and comments,
Paul
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#4
.
Hi Tiger,
also enjoyed the piece (trying to tie each verse to an old sci-fi film/show added an extra layer.
Star Trek (original series) and Forbidden Planet being the most obvious candidates).

Couple of minor nits/niggles. Lots of 'ands' - the two in S2 and the first lines of S4 and S6,
as well as those in the last two lines of S6.

I also thought 'however darkened is the case' (S5) was a bit weak (comparatively).
Would S3 work as a zombie's appetite could grow / so much he'd gobble Time and Space ?

Just a thought for the final verse

and so should we. To boldly go -
Nowhere. Not now. None leave this place
when winds are high and clouds are low
when sun assumes a muted glow.

Best, Knot


.
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#5
Paul,

This is poetry for fun, so if you don't want a critique (more of a rambling commentary), feel free to ignore as I doubt I've said much useful anyway.

dale


'The meter and "natural flow" falls apart in the final tercet'

I don't find that to be the case at all. The pattern is iambic tetrameter, and those lines fit the pattern. However the third line from the end, although technically correct seems a bit stilted, or maybe stiff would be a better word.

I assume this is a villanelle, specifically the 19th century form which uses iambic tetrameter or trimeter, instead of iambic pentameter of the 20th century. I have never been a fan of these types of Italian song poems (outside of practice), as they force one into awkward and often unsolvable situations, although you seemed to handle it well enough. Still it seems long on form and short on depth.

I have a problem with these two lines, maybe it has some depth after all, except I have no idea what they mean.

'a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.'

I have no idea how this relates to the poem as a whole, simple seems ad hoc.

Still this is about as good as any I've seen.

best,


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#6
(03-27-2020, 09:19 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  When Winds are High

When winds are high and clouds are low
we do not venture from our base.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and seethes that it must simmer slow
and dare not touch a human face.
When winds are high and clouds are low

a zombie's appetite could grow
so he might gobble Time and Space.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and bides its time. And we don't know
with what the gloominess is laced
when winds are high and clouds are low.

So look to spy a coloured bow
however darkened is the case.
The sun assumes a muted glow

and so should we. And boldly go
Nowhere. Not now. Shelter in place
when winds are high and clouds are low
and sun assumes a muted glow.
I like the repetition and the singsong like structure of the piece, really nice writing, you have something here that is beautiful and in depth, keep writing.
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#7
I like the repetition. I agree with the comment above, maybe an overuse of and
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