The Thing About Night
#1
The thing about night is
that she comes bearing hindsight
and bifocals.
And I never looked at a rearview mirror
without a speckle.

Day is a seamstress.
A loose thread, a lost button,
you bet your pennies her fingers, nimble
will mask them fine.

But night is a ruse.
She sets out dazzling you with the
sparkles on her sleeves
but they shine brighter
on those stitches, undone.
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#2
Hi Savannah, welcome to the site!

On the whole I like what you've done here. I do have areas I'll point out to you so that you can give them some thought.

(03-25-2020, 03:18 AM)savannah Wrote:  The thing about night is--While I like the colloquial tone of this opening, it is a bit flat. "Is" is not a great word to break the line on. The thing about sounds nice but doesn't do much in the line. It's a vehicle to get to the point, but an opening line needs to reach out an pull you in. I think this needs some thought and attention. Even if you decided to keep it. You may be better off doing something like this (using your words here not suggesting alternatives):

The thing about night is that she comes
bearing hindsight and bifocals.

that she comes bearing hindsight
and bifocals.--I like these choices you've made.
And I never looked at a rearview mirror--The more dramatic break here might be after looked
without a speckle.

Day is a seamstress.--When I read this. I think maybe you should be working with a parallel structure. Day is a Seamstress. Night is a Prophetess, a forune-telling machine, a magic 8-ball, whatever just something that holds a similar structure. Your choice obviously to consider.
A loose thread, a lost button,
you bet your pennies her fingers, nimble--I'm not sure the inversion buys you anything. I see no advantage of breaking on nimble over fingers. So, it draws attention to itself and doesn't seem to elevate.
will mask them fine.--Good ideas though here and I like the progression of thought.

But night is a ruse.--Admittingly you do sort of keep the structure here. I don't know if ruse is as good a concrete choice as the profession (seamstress) is above.
She sets out dazzling you with the--please do not break the line on "the" truly unimportant non-thematic word reworking dazzling or sparkles as the end word would be a better choice.
sparkles on her sleeves
but they shine brighter
on those stitches, undone.
Again, while I pointing out things to think about mostly line breaks and structure. I do think this is a good piece. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
savannah,

Welcome to the site.

Todd makes excellent points and I concur with them all.

" I never looked at a rearview mirror (rear-view)
without a speckle."

Question, I'm not really making sense of this line. Do you mean "speckle" as: 'a small speck, spot, or mark, as on skin.' Is there an alternate meaning?

Another problematic line for me is:

"but they shine brighter
on those stitches, undone."

What is undone and if it is 'stitches,' the meaning eludes me.

Anyway a solid effort.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#4
Thank you so much for your comments here Erthona. Todd made excellent points and I still need to respond to his edits as well, but here are are my inputs on what you've asked.
(03-26-2020, 11:00 AM)Erthona Wrote:  savannah,

Welcome to the site.

Todd makes excellent points and I concur with them all. 

" I never looked at a rearview mirror  (rear-view)
without a speckle."

Question, I'm not really making sense of this line. Do you mean "speckle" as: 'a small speck, spot, or mark, as on skin.' Is there an alternate meaning?

It means I have never looked back at my past and found it to be perfect (speckless), meaning I will always have regrets. The first stanza indicates how night casts light on these mistakes.
Another problematic line for me is:

"but they shine brighter
on those stitches, undone."

What is undone and if it is 'stitches,' the meaning eludes me.

I guess S2 and S3 are kind of where I have lost my footing and I have made it hard to understand? I am basically trying to say that "day" glosses over these regrets/worries and you tend to ruminate over them less. Ironing out those worries during the day is what the stitch refers to? I know, I know. It must seem incredibly abstract and I apologize. I may have to seriously re-think my metaphors. 
The poem tries to say that night time is when most people reflect and when their sorrow magnifies. Morning tends to bring some hope. 
I did not want to use the typical sunshine metaphor since I felt it was cliched. I used seamstress because it referred to fixing loose ends, even if temporarily. 

Lastly, thank you for your patience in reading this, and apologies if my work comes across as lazy.
Anyway a solid effort.

best,

dale
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