Australia Going Viral (was Sketch)
#1
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Australia Going Viral
(was Sketch)


You can hear the rumpus rumbling all the way from aisle four
where some heavyweight contenders are arguing the score.
The champ has got a trolley full, her challenger sod all.
They're going at it toe-to-toe. The writing's on the wall

in these End of Days where shopping is a contact sport
like the footie or the rugger, fisticuffs a first resort.
You wanna buy from Woollies? You best come packing heat,
cos it's feeding time for lions and loo rolls are fresh meat.

Still,
you gotta love the irony, restricting tissue sales
when the news has reams and reams of sphincter loos'ning tales.
But every "death toll rises" coughs up a comic turn
as the great unwashed demonstrate how little we have learned.

The temperature's been spiking like a fever, getting high,
so who here was surprised to see the lemmings at Bondi?
Or just how quick ScoMo flipped on Saturday's big game?
First he's going, then he's not. It's different, but the same.

And I don't mind admitting to be baffled, at a loss,
confused by social distancing, and if it's sneeze, then toss
... then wash?
Am I self-isolated when I lock the dunny door?
3-ply won't wipe this shit away and Coles ain't selling 4-.

Yet despite all my anxiety, this nut ain't hard to crack:
do what the medics tell you, stay at home, sit down, kick back.
This year has been a gut punch, and today they closed the pub.
To drink alone, or not to drink, aye, now there's the rub.









Sketch




You can hear the rumpus rumbling all the way from aisle four

where a pair of well-stocked women are arguing the score

The champ has got a trolley-full, the contender bugger all


and not one will give an inch, now the writing's on the wall.



Shopping in the end of days, well it's a contact sport

like the footie or the rugger, fisticuffs a first resort.

You want to buy from Woollies, you best be packing heat,

cos it's feeding time for lions, and bog rolls are fresh meat.



Still, you gotta love the irony, restricting tissue sales

when the nightly news has reams of sphincter loosening tales.

But for every death toll rising, you can find a comic turn


as Joe Public demonstrates how little they have learned.



The temperature's been climbing like a fever, getting high,


so who here was surprised to see the lemmings at Bondi?


Or just how quick our Scottie doubled back on Sat'day's game,

first he's going, then he's not. It's different, but the same.



I ain't too proud to say that I'm at something of a loss,
not sure what's social distance, and if it's sneeze, then toss
then wash. And is self-isolating to lock the dunny door?
3-ply won't wipe this shit away, and Coles ain't selling 4.



But whatever way you cut it, this nut ain't hard to crack.












Do what the medics tell you, shut your door, sit down, kick back.
It's a challenge, to be sure, as even worse, they've shut the pub:
to drink alone, or not to drink, aye, there is the rub.
































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#2
Knot,


This is a difficult poem for me as I am unfamiliar with most of the Aussie idioms and items. Some I tried to look up without success, such as "Scottie." As far as I know a "Scottie" is a dog, but such a definition makes no sense within the context. Using such colloquialism do tend to limit the readership, but of course that is a personal choice.
The meter seems to be somewhat all over the place. I assume the standard line starts with two unaccented syllables and then four feet of iambs, then the second part of the line also starts with two more unaccented syllables followed by three feet of iambs. Basically a slightly altered form of ballad meter, with the line of four and three on the same line causing rhyming couplets. However many lines do not follow this pattern, which had me having to restart the line on a number occasions.
One other thing that puzzled me was having a "forced contraction" (never seen that before) with the word "Sat'day". It obviously was meant to keep the line in meter, but was such an odd thing it forced me to stop. Maybe this is another idiom?
I'm sure this was meant to be humorous but it generally bypassed me. I did enjoy the 3-ply/4-ply line.
Sorry, I don't think I am a very good reader for this poem.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#3
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Thanks for the read Dale,
this one may be a bit too 'local' to travel well.
Nevertheless, revision posted.


Best, Knot


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Reply
#4
knot,

Good revision much more readable.

These lines still seem off. Generally you have 7 accents per line but these are missing one. (6) for missing accent.

'cos it's feeding time for lions and loo rolls are fresh meat.' (6)

'when the news has reams and reams of sphincter loos'ning tales.' (6)

'First he's going, then he's not. It's different, but the same.' (6) Although missing an accent, the pause between sentences almost acts as one, so this one could probably pass. It was not that disruptive.

'confused by social distancing, and if it's sneeze, then toss
... then wash?' This line is all kinds of weird. Dropping the 'and' would help.

'Yet despite all my anxiety, this nut ain't hard to crack:' This would read more smoothly if you dropped the 'yet'.

'do what the medics tell you, stay at home, sit down, kick back.' (6)

'To drink alone, or not to drink, aye, now there's the rub.' This line has 7 accents, but it stumble because you have to accented syllables together. 'drink-aye'. Maybe dashes or dots between to create a more obvious caesura.
'To drink alone or not to drink... aye now there's the rub.' Could stand to lose some commas.


I still crack up over the 3-ply 4-ply line.

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#5
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Hi Dale,
thanks for sticking with this one. I take it the 'local' references clearer in this version? Or at least, less problematic?
dale


'cos it's feeding time for lions and loo rolls are fresh meat.' (6)
'First he's going, then he's not. It's different, but the same.' (6)
Although missing an accent, the pause between sentences almost acts as one, so this one could probably pass. It was not that disruptive.
- To my mind these both have the same 'pause' (there seems to be a natural break after 'lions').


'when the news has reams and reams of sphincter loos'ning tales.' (6)
would
when on the news are reams and reams ...
solve this one?


confused by social distancing, and if it's sneeze, then toss
... then wash?
This line is all kinds of weird. Dropping the 'and' would help.
- The 'all kinds of weird' is deliberate, I'm happy with the effect. Dropping the 'and' would change the meaning too much).


'Yet despite all my anxiety, this nut ain't hard to crack:' This would read more smoothly if you dropped the 'yet'.
- Ok.


'do what the medics tell you, stay at home, sit down, kick back.' (6)
- I'd like to think that the accumulated pauses build up to one whole beat Smile


To drink alone, or not to drink, aye, now there's the rub.
This line has 7 accents, but it stumble because you have to accented syllables together. 'drink-aye'. Maybe dashes or dots between to create a more obvious caesura.
- what about a colon or semi-colon after drink? (Seems to have worked for Shakespeare Smile )


I still crack up over the 3-ply 4-ply line.
- Smile


Thanks again.


Best, Knot


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Reply
#6
Knot,

I forgot. Maybe on your idioms, if they can't be found in the dictionary maybe a footnote. Just a thought.

dale

ps

Colon or semicolon, anything to create a more obvious caesura.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#7
(03-30-2020, 06:54 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Maybe on your idioms, if they can't be found in the dictionary maybe a footnote. Just a thought.
Any in particular?
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