Doggerel:Storm in a Teacup
#1
Smile 
Hi, It's my first piece here. Any critique or comment is welcome. Thank you in advance!  Smile

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Storm in a Teacup (doggerel)

In the last blooming season
A tempest burst out of the blue
when the slave driver pulled rank
stopping me seeing his poker face
finally showed me who's boss
Once in a blue moon not the case
I didn't freak out albeit in hot water
The kangaroo trio added insult to injury
In no sense fair and square to me
No one would react by stamping his foot
unless putting yourself in my shoes

After initial tearless howling
I figured to get a grip on myself
rather crying over spilled milk or going nuts
I chose to face the music being resilient
to stay as cool as cucumber and
to make a virtue out of necessity
through thick and thin of life cycle
Always it's easier said than done
All I can do is to break my neck
With this stand I was off the hook
or out of the woods before long

Meanwhile a counterattack kicked off
The silence of the lambs not my style
Reject biting the bullet before white hoods
Don't fight fire with fire nonetheless
Bingo, unlike flogging a dead horse
The event turns into a blessing in disguise
A little bird told me hearsay news
which was not through the grapevine
It arose really like music to my ears
nevertheless didn't knock my socks off
Ok, let the fluffy cat out of the bag now

The SS were kicked out of the tower
cleaned up what they weren't bargained for
The fat cat killed twin birds with one claw
Two heads better than one flopped here
Vassal techies glad to see the back of
one devil and one devil in disguise
biting the dust in Dutch hand in hand
gained a perfect epic fail that
the racially tinged wholly deserved

Two pain in the butt bossy no more
Oh pardon my French folks
The double big cheese thus melting away
Enjoying their turn to go bananas,
hit the ceiling and feel blue, even
got a golden handshake from their dumper
Hope they learned some idioms by the case
One will pay the piper sooner or later
to get a taste of your own medicine
What goes around comes around

Tough cookie hence KO'd sharp cookie
I have the last laugh when the clash is over
although it isn't a thoroughly clean sweep
Don't be proud as a peacock, a rooster
or put yourself on cloud nine over the moon
It's silly acting like a dog with two tails
Stop buttering yourself up like a child
Furthermore, make a clean break
mull over the vital lesson of life
Let bygones be bygones

All thanks, glory and honor to our Lord
saving my skin each and every time
This isn't a dog-eat-dog-world after all
Every cloud has a silver lining moreover
Hang in there, sit tight, only time will tell
Storm in a teacup is now water under the bridge
What a lesson no pain, no gain, no blessing
It's time to shake it off moving forward
doing something phenomenal to suit yourself

Ever since I've turned over a new leaf
Despite no longer being spring chicken
as keen as mustard, as sharp as a tack
Still having bigger fish to fry and bite
In addition a number of irons in the fire
Life is up and running as usual
till pushing up daisies in the end
Grace is by no means a pie in the sky
Don't assume its coming when pigs fly
Lose sight of once bitten twice shy
instead take the bitter with the sweet
Follow your nose without pussyfooting around
A place in the sun will be surrounding you forever
#2
Hey sunlover-

Nice try for a first attempt, though relying completely on cliches is a dubious way to start. If the point was to churn out a stream of said cliches, you have succeeded. But why?

That said, keep at it!
Mark
#3
SL,

Generally in a doggerel the rhythm is awkward for a purpose and the incidental rhyme holds the form together (that is when there is very little rhythmic form). As there is little punctuation to denote what is or isn't a sentence, this still seems to have a lot of free floating dependent clauses which I would not consider a good thing. Try giving it a more consistent rhythm, add rhyme and punctuation and make sure you're dependent clauses are within a sentence. I think this might give more clarity to the piece and give you more clarity about the piece. You also might try working with accentual verse a little to give you more of a sense of rhythm.

Welcome to the site, glad to have you aboard,

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
#4
Hi Mark,

Nice to have your critique, sincerely. It's true nothing unique here in terms of poetic demonstration. As an attempt, the adoption of sentences filling with common idioms is to be sarcastic or funny in a vulgar way. Is this explanation acceptable?

Regards,

Hi Dale,

Nice to have your critique, sincerely. Your rhythm theory is too profound for me. Simply speaking, is this "poem" readable in regard to English grammar you think?

Regards,
#5
Could use some periods. To delineate the sentences. If you take the caps at the beginning of each line as a sign of a new sentence, it is problematic.

In the last blooming season. Dependent clause

A tempest burst out of the blue
when the slave driver pulled rank
stopping me seeing his poker face
finally showed me who's boss. Not really a sentence, just dependent clauses linked together.

Once in a blue moon not the case (cliche)
I didn't freak out albeit in hot water. "I didn't freak out." is a sentence, but the words around it don't make semse.

The kangaroo trio added insult to injury. dependent clause

In no sense fair and square to me. Dependent clause

No one would react by stamping his foot
unless putting yourself in my shoes. Two dependent clauses.

Is it readable? Is it grammatical? As the rest of the stanzas follow suite; no it isn't. Dependent clauses by themselves do not make sense. It is good to write out each sentence as a single line, to make sure it is in fact a sentence; such as.

'A tempest burst out of the blue when the slave driver pulled rank stopping me seeing his poker face finally showed me who's boss.'

Sorry,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
#6
As per my pm, please take a moment of your time to provide actual valid feedback on other member’s poetry.   Feedback is our currency.  It is the only sacred rule of this site.  It is not negotiable.  Please catch up. 


If you are new to critique, there are many many threads and helpful hints right here on the site that can walk you through giving a critique.  Our basic forum is for beginners, so really the only wrong answer there is not to try.  Also, reading through critiques left by other members is a good way to get a feel for what makes a valid critique, and also is a good way to measure how much/what kind of critique is required in each forum.  

You can always pm me or any of the mods or admin if you have questions. 


Thank you, 
Quix/admin
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 




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